- Joined
- Oct 29, 2012
- Messages
- 1,392
Anyone you hear say the words "toxic masculinity" in earnest, if you ask them for an example of what they're talking about, they'll probably give you an example of a man acting in a way that betrays his insecurity. What they are referring to is toxic insecurity, I think (most times). It's a shame they had to misname it "toxic masculinity" because then it promotes an environment where the very thing (apart from the appendage) that makes a man a man, is thought of as toxic.
I have a relative who is a single mother and who has a 7y/o boy who is in obvious desperate need of a father figure. He has 2 older sisters and a younger sister, plus his mom; poor guy is inundated with estrogen and that's all he's ever known apart from the inconsistent presence of one guy or another that his mom spends time with. The last time I saw him, he was wearing his mom's earrings. I asked him if he was a girl. He said no. I asked him why he was wearing earrings. He turned beet red and fled the room (but didn't remove the earrings, oddly). I heard report later that he went to his room and cried his eyes out into a pillow (still with the earrings on). She told me that she put him in Karate, hoping that some time doing macho stuff with other boys would help. But he got hit when we wasn't ready for it and had a mental breakdown in the middle of the class that was so disruptive and prolonged that the instructor had to end the class early and he told her that if it happens again, he won't be able to train with the other students. He's been doing that lately, when things don't go the way he wanted or someone insults him or his sisters pick on him, he goes ape **** like that. This is a non-corporal-punishment household where outbursts like this are addressed by mom taking him to a "safe space" and coaxing out the details of "what's wrong honey" in a calm and caring way.
She actually asked me for parenting advice; that's never happened before. People never ask for parenting advice and if they do, they don't want to hear what you really think (and God help you if you if you say it), they just want reassurance that they're doing a good job. But this was different. She seemed honestly desperate and ready to accept whatever I said, including criticism. She said that she realizes the problem is that he doesn't have any male role models and she wants to get him exposed to some kind of male influence "without force feeding him toxic masculinity."
Man, what are you supposed to say to that? I said the first thing that came to mind, not sure if it was the right thing to say, but it went something like my first paragraph, prefaced with "Look, first off masculinity is not toxic, and as long as that's part of your vocabulary, your situation is hopeless." I told her "boys need masculinity in their lives, and without a father, the only place he's going to get it is from you. As long as you think of it as something that's toxic, that can't happen. It probably won't happen anyway, but it damn sure won't if you're calling it toxic." I went on to tell her that she had to start playing the role of father. That she needed to take a strong hand with him now, before it's too late. He's still malleable at this age but if you wait for a man to come along and straighten him up, he will have already set up in the shape that he will be for the rest of his life. I told her she had to use the belt on him; not as a punishment for crying, but when he does wrong. I told her she has to start reinforcing gender roles, despite her obviously low opinion of them, they exist and have existed for millennia, for good reason, and she's seeing the result of abandoning them. She can't keep acting so compassionate when he throws a tantrum; all the attention she's giving him in response to that is just encouraging the behavior. She has to start telling him "you're a boy, one day you'll be a man, and these tantrums are not how men communicate." I told her when he goes into that meltdown tantrum mode, send him to his room and tell him that he can't come out until he can explain himself like men do, in real words, without whining, and while making eye contact with you. If when he comes out he whines or sobs to you or stares at the ground, send him back. Keep sending him back until he can talk straight. I told her she can't be sending him mixed signals, telling him "act like a boy" but still letting him wear her earrings and his sister's ballerina unitards. He needs to know what is expected of him of as boy, and where the line is. He needs responsibility, and consequences. Give him chores and discipline him if he doesn't do them, or if he complains. He needs to spend time with other boys; I said karate was a good idea, but he probably shouldn't go back until this meltdown mode thing has been resolved. I don't think she's ever used a belt on him and probably has no intention of doing so but I went on talking as if I assumed she would start, and I told her to get him to tell her what he's getting a spanking for, then he gets the spanking, then he gets a hug, and then once he calms down he has to reiterate why he got the spanking and predict for her what will happen if he does it again. I told her to be consistent; you can't make threats that he knows (or suspects) you won't follow through with. He needs to know that when you say "if you do X, I'll do Y" that he can take that to the bank. And she has to demand that same level of consistency from him. If he says he will do something, he must be held accountable for doing it.
I had a feeling that everything I said would go over like a turd in a punch bowl. After every sentence I was expecting her to interrupt me and spew righteous indignation over "child abuse" but she never did. I don't know if she took any of the advice but she didn't curse my name or hang up on me. She listened to everything I had to say, didn't argue, didn't seem offended, thanked me for the help, and we've spoken again since and she didn't seem upset. So I guess all is well as far as that goes, but I feel like what I said was inadequate. How do you explain to a woman how to be a father over the phone? I feel like I missed a great opportunity to say something really profound, but in 2 weeks of replaying it in my head, I don't know what that profound thing would have been. She only asked me that one time so I shouldn't consider it an open invitation to continue interjecting my opinions about her parenting methods in perpetuity, but I do feel like I have something else to say that maybe I'll just hang onto for later use in case she asks again or it comes up organically in conversation. I just don't know what it is. What am I missing?
I have a relative who is a single mother and who has a 7y/o boy who is in obvious desperate need of a father figure. He has 2 older sisters and a younger sister, plus his mom; poor guy is inundated with estrogen and that's all he's ever known apart from the inconsistent presence of one guy or another that his mom spends time with. The last time I saw him, he was wearing his mom's earrings. I asked him if he was a girl. He said no. I asked him why he was wearing earrings. He turned beet red and fled the room (but didn't remove the earrings, oddly). I heard report later that he went to his room and cried his eyes out into a pillow (still with the earrings on). She told me that she put him in Karate, hoping that some time doing macho stuff with other boys would help. But he got hit when we wasn't ready for it and had a mental breakdown in the middle of the class that was so disruptive and prolonged that the instructor had to end the class early and he told her that if it happens again, he won't be able to train with the other students. He's been doing that lately, when things don't go the way he wanted or someone insults him or his sisters pick on him, he goes ape **** like that. This is a non-corporal-punishment household where outbursts like this are addressed by mom taking him to a "safe space" and coaxing out the details of "what's wrong honey" in a calm and caring way.
She actually asked me for parenting advice; that's never happened before. People never ask for parenting advice and if they do, they don't want to hear what you really think (and God help you if you if you say it), they just want reassurance that they're doing a good job. But this was different. She seemed honestly desperate and ready to accept whatever I said, including criticism. She said that she realizes the problem is that he doesn't have any male role models and she wants to get him exposed to some kind of male influence "without force feeding him toxic masculinity."
Man, what are you supposed to say to that? I said the first thing that came to mind, not sure if it was the right thing to say, but it went something like my first paragraph, prefaced with "Look, first off masculinity is not toxic, and as long as that's part of your vocabulary, your situation is hopeless." I told her "boys need masculinity in their lives, and without a father, the only place he's going to get it is from you. As long as you think of it as something that's toxic, that can't happen. It probably won't happen anyway, but it damn sure won't if you're calling it toxic." I went on to tell her that she had to start playing the role of father. That she needed to take a strong hand with him now, before it's too late. He's still malleable at this age but if you wait for a man to come along and straighten him up, he will have already set up in the shape that he will be for the rest of his life. I told her she had to use the belt on him; not as a punishment for crying, but when he does wrong. I told her she has to start reinforcing gender roles, despite her obviously low opinion of them, they exist and have existed for millennia, for good reason, and she's seeing the result of abandoning them. She can't keep acting so compassionate when he throws a tantrum; all the attention she's giving him in response to that is just encouraging the behavior. She has to start telling him "you're a boy, one day you'll be a man, and these tantrums are not how men communicate." I told her when he goes into that meltdown tantrum mode, send him to his room and tell him that he can't come out until he can explain himself like men do, in real words, without whining, and while making eye contact with you. If when he comes out he whines or sobs to you or stares at the ground, send him back. Keep sending him back until he can talk straight. I told her she can't be sending him mixed signals, telling him "act like a boy" but still letting him wear her earrings and his sister's ballerina unitards. He needs to know what is expected of him of as boy, and where the line is. He needs responsibility, and consequences. Give him chores and discipline him if he doesn't do them, or if he complains. He needs to spend time with other boys; I said karate was a good idea, but he probably shouldn't go back until this meltdown mode thing has been resolved. I don't think she's ever used a belt on him and probably has no intention of doing so but I went on talking as if I assumed she would start, and I told her to get him to tell her what he's getting a spanking for, then he gets the spanking, then he gets a hug, and then once he calms down he has to reiterate why he got the spanking and predict for her what will happen if he does it again. I told her to be consistent; you can't make threats that he knows (or suspects) you won't follow through with. He needs to know that when you say "if you do X, I'll do Y" that he can take that to the bank. And she has to demand that same level of consistency from him. If he says he will do something, he must be held accountable for doing it.
I had a feeling that everything I said would go over like a turd in a punch bowl. After every sentence I was expecting her to interrupt me and spew righteous indignation over "child abuse" but she never did. I don't know if she took any of the advice but she didn't curse my name or hang up on me. She listened to everything I had to say, didn't argue, didn't seem offended, thanked me for the help, and we've spoken again since and she didn't seem upset. So I guess all is well as far as that goes, but I feel like what I said was inadequate. How do you explain to a woman how to be a father over the phone? I feel like I missed a great opportunity to say something really profound, but in 2 weeks of replaying it in my head, I don't know what that profound thing would have been. She only asked me that one time so I shouldn't consider it an open invitation to continue interjecting my opinions about her parenting methods in perpetuity, but I do feel like I have something else to say that maybe I'll just hang onto for later use in case she asks again or it comes up organically in conversation. I just don't know what it is. What am I missing?
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