2017 Archive

Status
Not open for further replies.
Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, “I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?”
“Only one kiss per yard, ” replied the smirking male clerk.
“That’s fine,” replied the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.”
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.
The girl snapped up the package, pointed to a little old man standing beside her, smiled and said. “Grandpa pay the man.”
 
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi decided to take the day off and go fishing. The priest took the boat out to his favorite fishing spot and they started to get their gear set up.
"Oh, darn!" exclaimed the priest, "I left the bait on the dock, I'll run back and get it". With that, he jumped out of the boat and ran across the water, retrieved the bait, and ran back.
After a few hours, the Sun was really beating down. The minister said "we could really use some cold drinks I'll go get some" and with that, he jumped out of the boat and ran across the water, grabbed a six pack of soda, and ran back.
Another hour passed and fishing was slow. The rabbi said "why don't I fetch us some sandwiches" and with that, he jumped out of the boat and promptly sank to the bottom.
The minister looked at the priest and said "I guess we should have told him where the rocks are".
 
Caffeina, Goddess of Energy and Clear Thinking
The patroness of coffee, tea, and other caffeinated drinks or foods, Caffeina is the Roman goddess of energy, stamina, and determination. Usually portrayed as a beautiful woman rising from a coffee cup, the goddess Caffeina gives clear thought, energy and creativity.

Here is a legend about the origins of the goddess Caffeina:
During the third century there lived a Roman nobleman named Julianus. A good and pious man, Julianus was a follower of the Great Goddess and spent a great deal of time in meditation and prayer.
Goddess worship had fallen out of favor with the government and worshippers were often persecuted. Consequently, Julianus prayed only at night. Often he would get so weary that he fell asleep without finishing his prayers. He prayed that the Great Goddess would send him a way to stay awake at night to pray.
Artemis-barW.jpg
One day while he was out for a walk Julianus met a shepherd who was surrounded by a frolicking herd of leaping and dancing sheep. Julianus had never seen sheep behave like this.
Julianus asked the shepherd why the sheep were so lively. The shepherd pointed to a bush and explained that the sheep had started cavorting just after eating some of the beans growing on the bush.
Julianus plucked one of the beans and popped it in his mouth. He suddenly felt so energized that he wanted to dance too! The Goddess had answered his prayers!
So Julianus boiled the beans and made a beverage from them. The drink, of course, was coffee. It was quite tasty, and he decided that he would drink it every night. Now he found it easy to stay awake to pray and meditate. He thought "This must be a miracle sent by the goddess."
And so began the Romans' devotion to the goddess Caffeina.
Soon Julianus became the emperor of Rome (Julianus II). Even though he had been educated as a Christian, he worked to restore the paganism.
For this reason he is often called Julianus the Apostate. Following his death in Persia in 363 A.D., no other champion of religious freedom emerged to assume leadership and the empire returned to Christianity, as the only government sanctioned religion.
 
It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on abusiness trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked here-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
PS. Sure is hot down here.
 
Inspecting Mirrors is a job i could really see myself doing.
I had a job tying sausages together, but I couldn't make ends meet.
I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
I couldnt be a sniper. Not by a long shot.
I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
Currently my flower business is blooming.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I tried being a baker but couldnt make enough dough.
I quit my job at the helium gas factory, I refuse to be talked to in that tone of voice!
I get plenty of exercise - jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I have given up comedy routines. Everybody just keeps laughing at me.
 
It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on abusiness trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked here-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
PS. Sure is hot down here.


That’s BAD, I gave you a like anyway!
 
A blonde is speaking to a psychiatrist.
Blonde, "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."

Psychiatrist, "Don't you have a phone in your car?"

Blonde, "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next

best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."

Psychiatrist, "Uh ... How's that working?"

Blonde, "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."

Psychiatrist, "And why do you think that is?"

Blonde, "I figured it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."
 
A great pickup line that can be used on a girl, just ask any woman this question and she she'll fall right into your arms, "excuse me Miss does this cloth smell like chloroform?"
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top