2017 Archive

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A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her "no." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be long." ​
He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out." ​
The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, "Ellen, we'll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap." ​
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen..." ​
The mother broke in, "My little girl's name is Tammy... I'm Ellen." ​
 
A Rabbi who's been leading a congregation for many years is upset by the fact that he's never been able to eat pork. So he devises a plan whereby he flies to a remote tropical island and checks into a hotel.
He immediately gets himself a table at the finest restaurant and orders the most expensive pork dish on the menu. As he's eagerly waiting for it to be served, he hears his name called from across the restaurant.
He looks up to see 10 of his loyal congregants approaching. His luck, they'd chosen the same time to visit the same remote location!
Just at that moment, the waiter comes out with a huge silver tray carrying a whole roasted pig with an apple in its mouth. The Rabbi looks up sheepishly at his congregants and says, "Wow - you order an apple in this place and look how it's served!"
 
After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.
"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. "What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."
The clerk handed him a mirror.
 
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 A.M. by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a ‘push.’
“Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is 3 in the morning!”
He slams the door and returns to bed.
“Who was that?” asked his wife.
“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.
“Did you help him?” she asks.
“No, I did not, it’s 3 in the morning and it’s bloomin’ well pouring with rain out there!”
“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! Even drunks deserve help.
The man, ashamed, does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”
“Yes,” comes back the answer.
“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“Where are you?” asks the husband.
“Over here… on the swing,” replied the drunk.
 
It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon-load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Wilmer!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in and have a bite with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."
"That's mighty nice of you," Wilmer answered. "But I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw, come on." the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Wilmer thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is your Pa?"
Wilmer replied, "Under the wagon."
 
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study & said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little & get your hair cut, & we'll talk about it."​
After about a month, the boy came back & again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!" The young man waited a moment & replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, & even Jesus had long hair ..." To which his father replied, "Yes, & they WALKED every where they went too!"
 
There was a man who worked for the post office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed, in shaky handwriting, to God, with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

“Dear God,
I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check.
Next Sunday is Easter and two of my old friends are coming over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna”

Touched, the postal worker showed the letter to all the other workers.
Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which he put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Easter came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

“Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice evening and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there were $4 missing. I think it must have been those b***ards at the post office.”
 
MEN ARE JUST HAPPY PEOPLE

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another
gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which
way to turn a nut on a bolt. Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress - $5,000. Tux rental - $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are
over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit
for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be
your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes - one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache. You can do Christmas shopping for
25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes .
No wonder men are happier!
 
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