2017 Archive

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Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
 
The doctor answered the phone and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"
"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, there are three doctors there already!"
 
As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one.​
'No problem,' I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate.​
'You can’t do that,' argued my four-year-old.​
'Don’t worry. Santa will never know.'​
He shot me a look. 'So he knows if I’ve been bad or good, but he doesn’t know the cookie fell on the floor?'​
 
While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75-year-old farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders.
The old farmer said, “Well, as I see it, most politicians are ‘Post Turtles’.”

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a ‘post turtle’ was.

The old farmer said, “When you’re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a post turtle.”

The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor’s face so he continued to explain. “You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong up there, he doesn’t know what to do while he’s up there, he’s elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of fool put him up there to begin with.”
 
Christopher Columbus was the best deal maker in history. He left not knowing where he was going, and upon arriving, not knowing where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on borrowed money. ​
 
A new young bride called her mother, completely in tears. She cried, "Jason doesn't appreciate the things that I do for him."

Her mother said, "Don't take it so hard, dear, it was probably just a misunderstanding."

"No, mother, I prepared a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed about the cost."

"Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars." her mother said. "Why would he be so upset?"

"He wasn't upset about the price of the turkey," she said. "He was upset about the airline ticket."

"Airplane ticket....? Why in the world did you need an airplane ticket?"

"Well mother, when I went to prepare the turkey roll, I followed the directions on the package. It said: 'Prepare from a frozen state' so I flew to Alaska."
 
Two men are working in a machine shop, one is a grouchy old journeyman of 30 years experience, the other is a 25 year old apprentice.

The apprentice says, "My wife is an angel!"

The journeyman replies, "You're lucky, mine is still alive."
 
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."
The guy obliges and drives away.
The next day, the officer sees the same guy driving around with the truck full of penguins again. This time, though, all the penguins are wearing sunglasses.
The police officer pulls the guy over and says, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"
The guy replies, "I did, and today I'm taking them to the beach."
 
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