2017 Archive

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A man traveling by train asks the ticket collector what time the train stops at Victoria.

"Sir, we don't stop at Victoria."

"But I have to get off there!"

"Well, there might be one thing I can do. I might be able to get the engineer to slow down the train a little. Then I can dangle you out the door and lower you onto the platform."

"Will that work?"

"It's worth a try."

As they approached the platform, the train is slowing from 50 MPH. The collector hangs the man in mid-air out the door. The man starts running in mid-air. "Run faster! Faster!" He lowers the man and the man's feet touch the platform. His shoes start to smoke! His heel comes off! He's running at 30 MPH. He's made it! He starts to slow down! The other passengers stare in amazement.

As the last car goes by, a hand grabs the man by the shirt collar and lifts the man right back into the train! As he's helped back on the train the gent who picked him up says, "Man you're lucky I was here to help! This train doesn't even STOP in Victoria!"
 
Please, take care of yourself out on the roads this holiday season.
A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the
Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.

This means that the remaining 77% are caused by yoyos who drink bottled water,
Starbucks, soda, juice, energy drinks, and garbage like that.

Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents.
 
A group of hikers were being led through the wilderness by a guide. On the third day, the hikers noticed that they had been travelling in circles.
"We're lost!" One of the men complained. "I thought you said you were the best guide in the United States."
"I am," the guide answered, "but I think we may have wandered into Canada."
 
Subject: A Chuckle
A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving
relationship with your husband. The women were asked, "How many of... you
love your husband?" All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you
loved him?" Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't
remember. The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text
their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."
The women were then told to exchange phones with another person, and to
read aloud the text message they received, in response.
Here are some of the replies:
1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's up with you??
4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What the ___ did you do now?
7. You're kidding, right ?
8. Don't beat about the bush; just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day. (my favorite)
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she???
 
Love a good Catholic joke ... (Mother Angelica)
An old nun, who was living in a convent next to a construction site, noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
And so, she decided she would take her lunch and sit with the workers.
She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.
Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked: "And, do you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shook their heads and looked at each other, very confused...
One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steelworkers yelled down , "Why?"
The worker yelled back,
" 'Cause his mom's here with his lunch."
 
On January 9th, a group ofPekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge
So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"

She says, "I'm going to commit suicide."

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
 
Bubba and Billy Bob are walking down the street in Gainesville, and they see a sign on a store which reads, 'Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 each.'
Bubba says to his pal, 'Billy Bob, look here! We could buy gobs of these, take 'em back to Tallahassee, sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin' cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and won't wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so's they don't know we are from Florida.'
They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia drawl, 'I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each,
50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and ......'
The owner of the shop interrupts, 'Ya'll played football for Florida State, didn’t y’all?'
'Well...yeah,' says a surprised Bubba.....'How come you knowed that?'
'Because this is a dry cleaners.'
 
My friend Tom was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business
He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his sickly father died.
Tom wanted two things:
• To learn how to invest his inheritance.
• To find a wife to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.
Two weeks later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men......
 
John and Mabel went for a walk in the park and after awhile they sat down
on a bench to rest. Just then they overheard voices coming from a secluded spot nearby. After listening for a few minutes, Mabel realized that a young man was about to propose to his girlfriend. Not wanting to eavesdrop on such an intimate moment, she nudged John and whispered, "whistle and let that young man know that someone can hear them" John said "whistle, why should I whistle,? Nobody whistled to warn me"
 
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