2017 Archive

[Groundhog]

An old farmer gets pulled over by a state trooper.
The officer lectures him on how irresponsible it is to be speeding, and does everything he can to get the farmer off-balance.
While the trooper is filling out a form, he keeps swatting at a swarm of flies around him.
The farmer says, “Having trouble with them circle flies, officer?”
The trooper replies, “Yeah – why do call them circle flies?”
The farmer says, “Well, they’re usually seen circling round the back end of horses.”
“Ah, I see,” the trooper replies absentmindedly.
After a minute, the trooper looks up from his paperwork and says indignantly, “Wait a minute. Are you calling me a horse’s ass?”
The farmer says “Oh no officer, I’ve got too much respect for the police to do that.”
“Good,” the trooper says.
The farmer continued, “Hard to fool them circle flies though…”

 

[12bolts]

A man finds an old bottle on the beach. Picking it up, he gives it a rub to see what it might have been, and poof, out comes a genie.
The genie says" sorry mate I'm running low on wishes so only one for you."
Bloke thinks for a bit and says "I've always wanted to travel to Hawaii but I'm scared of flying. I wish for a highway from Sydney to Hawaii."
Genie thinks for a minute and say "look mate. That's an impossible wish. The amount of concrete and fill required for a job like that would deplete the earths resources. Not to mention the hazard to shipping it would have. Can you think of something simpler?"
Bloke thinks again and says "Ok. Women. I've never understood them. I want to know why they cry, how to make them laugh. I wish I could understand women in general."
Genie thought for a longer while, and said "Did you want that highway to be 2 or 4 lanes?"

 

[Groundhog]

OK - just one more.
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, “You should do it because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.”
“No,” the husband replied, “you are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.”
“No, you should do it,” the wife retorted, “and besides, it says in the Bible that the man should make the coffee.”
“I can’t believe that,” the husband said. “Show me.”
So she fetched the Bible, opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages that it indeed says… “HEBREWS.”

 

[RandyM]

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.
The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner people."
A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner... NOW!"
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.
Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"
Pretty good," chuckled the vet, "especially since this is a bus stop."

 

[RandyM]

"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said the teacher.
The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy, confidently. "Means carrying a child."

 

[Dawner]

Its amazing what Galileo managed to achieve considering he was just a poor boy from a poor family.



(Queen?)

I heard the lead singer of queen died of Mercury poisoning ( or something like that)

 

[jim18655]

A woman stood looking at her breasts in the mirror when her husband walked into the room. "I'm thinking about getting implants" she said. Her husband replied "All you need to do is rub toilet paper between them every day and they'll get bigger." "Will that work?" she asked. "Made your butt bigger, didn't it?" he replied.
They think he'll regain consciousness later this week.

 

[RandyM]

When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at 'Mom' and pushed send.
His mother answered, and I told her what happened.
'Don't worry,' she said, 'I'll take care of it.'
A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was 'Mom.'
'Martin,' she said, 'you left your cell phone at the convenience store.'

A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus.
"It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway," he said.
"Actually," said his guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation."
The visitor was astonished. "Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?"
"Yes, indeed," said his guide. "He wrote a check."

 

[RJSakowski]

GOLF & DRINKING...

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."

 

[RandyM]

Used to being the center of attention, Robbie was a little more than jealous of his new baby sister. The parents sat him down and said that now that she was getting older, the house was too small and they'd have to move.
"It's no use." Robbie said, "She's crawling good now and she'd probably just follow us."