2017 Archive

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A company had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Management said, "Someone might steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then management said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people; one person to write the instructions and one person to do time studies.
Then management said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then management said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a timekeeper and a payroll officer; then hired two more people.
Then management said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people; an Administrative Officer, Assistant AdministrativeOfficer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then management said, "We've had this command in operation for one year now and we're $18,000 over budget. We have to cutback on overall costs."
So they laid off the night watchman.
 
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang. "Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you."

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news. Tell me, how big is your army?"

"At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub - that makes eight."

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back." Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on. We have managed to acquire some equipment."

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked. "Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm."

Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks, 14,000 armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Really?" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back." Paddy rang again the next day. "Right, Mr. Hussein, the war is still on. We have managed to get ourselves airborne. We've modified Ted's ultra-light with a couple of rifles in the cockpit, and the bridge team has joined us as well."

Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 10,000 bombers, 20,000 MiG-19 attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to two million men."

"Faith and begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back." Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Right, Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "We've all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."
 
Sam had proposed to young Lisa and was being interviewed by his prospective father-in-law.
"Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?" the older man asked the suitor.
"Yes, sir," replied Sam, "I am."
"Well," said Lisa's father, "think carefully now. There are six of us."
 
Two friends are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married for 35 years.”
 
"How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the blonde waitress walks in the door.
"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank goodness, I took that first aid course -- all my training came back to me in a flash."
"What did you do?" asks the bartender.
"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"
 
Randy, I wanted to "Like" the blond joke a couple of more times, but it wouldn't let me. (PS - I'm blond)
 
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