2017 Archive

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We've been having a bit of a heat wave here these last couple weeks. Into the mid-30's which, I know, isn't too abnormal for some places but for the West Coast it's pretty toasty. Anyway, was out for dinner last and walking past a church noticed their sign outside. Right below the times for Sunday mass was simply "If you think it's hot now...."

-frank
 
An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer said, “Ma’am did you know you were speeding?” The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, “What did he say?” The old man yells, “He says you were speeding!”
The patrolman says, “May I see your license?” The woman turns to her husband and asks again, “What did he say?” The old man yells, “He wants to see your license!”
The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman says, “I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.” The woman turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?” And the old man yells, “He said he knows you!”
 
A woman brought a very limp duck to a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, Ma’am, but your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”
The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet.
“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100 percent certifiably, a dead duck.”
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$550!” she cried, “$550 just to tell me my duck is dead?!”
The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $50, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $550.”
 
A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation.
Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?"
The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won't know a thing."
"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man. "He don't know nothing now."

The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."
"What is it, child?"
"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."
The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake."
 
A backwoods family decided that it was time they went to the big city to see what all the fuss was about. They end up at a huge shopping mall and spend hours wandering around just staring at the wonderful sights, all being so new to them. Maw and Sissy decide to look in a boutique and Paw and Sonny wait out by the elevator. As they watch in amazement having never seen an elevator before, two elderly women get on the elevator and the door closes behind them. A minute later, the door reopens and two very attractive young ladies exit the elevator. Sonny says Paw, did ya see that? Paw says stop gawlin' Sonny and run get yer Maw!!
 
Several women appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived.
The women were arguing noisily even in the court.
The judge, banging his gavel to quiet them said, "We are going to do this in an orderly manner. I can't listen to all of you at once. I'll hear the oldest first."
The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.
 
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'
He addressed the man, 'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
 
Kinda long but...

Farmer Steve decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer interrogated Farmer Steve.
“Didn’t you say at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?”‘ asked the lawyer.
Farmer Steve responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Suzie into the…”
“I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted, “just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?’”
Farmer Steve said, “Well, I had just got Suzie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…”
The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”
By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Steve’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say.”
Farmer Steve thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Suzie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Suzie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ol’ Suzie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Suzie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.”
“He said, ‘Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?”
“Now what the heck would you say?"
 
Bill's hair kept falling out and he complained to his barber. "That stuff you gave me," he cried, "is terrible! You said two bottles of it would make my hair grow, but nothing's happened."
"I don't understand it," said the barber. "That's the best hair restorer made."
"Well," said Bill, "I don't mind drinking another bottle, but it had better work!"
 
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.
"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."
When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you." "That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"
 
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