2017 Archive

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A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."
 
Sammy the snail was really fed up with life and everyone making fun of how slow he was.
One day he decided to do something about it.
He went to the car dealers and purchased a bright red Ferrari and had the dealer paint his monogram on both doors, the hood and the roof in bright yellow and gold paint.
Sammy was very proud of his new acquisition and drove every where he could to show it off.
One day whilst cruising through the centre of town his foot slid on the accelerator and he hit the pedal to the metal.
Being a Ferrari it did an enormous wheel spin and fishtailed up the road at an amazing rate of knots.
This time everyone who saw him was heard to utter
"WOW, look at that S car go"
 
A termite walks into a bar and says “Is the bar tender here?”
 
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
 
Light bulbs do not emit light but rather they suck darkness.

When the stop working it is because they are full of darkness as indicated by the now dark areas seen from outside the container or bulb.

If you break it the darkness all evaporates into the air as an invisible gas but once broken the container can no longer function.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I337Z using Tapatalk
 
This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?" and George said, "No," and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
 
savarin said:
Memory is what tells a man his wifes birthday was yesterday.
Click to expand...
Do you know how to never forget your anniversary.
You only have to forget the FIRST one.
Don't aske me how I know. But that has been moe than 45 yrs. ago.
Forgiveness comes slowly. Remembrance never goes. At least in some things.
 
This has become my first stop in the morning (unless i see someone has acquired a vintage machine), Nothing like a little humor to start the day, and put life in the proper perspective. Mike


Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only have 10 to live.
Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"

Doctor: "Nine"
 
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