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My experience is that if I had to use logical arguments on the kids, I was toast.
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Cheerleading
- Thread starter strantor
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- Jan 1, 2018
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- 1,207
You asked, so I am going to tell you what I think.
I don't think you had an honest open conversation about the matter with your daughter. You threw out a bunch of superficial negatives due to your past experiences instead of telling her what is really on your mind and listening to her feedback. What do you really not like about cheerleading and football players? Be honest with her. Listen to her feedback. What is she going to do when someone hands her a beer "just to have a sip". What is she going to do when the other cheerleaders start being all catty and gossipy about the other non-"in" girls? What is she going to do when everyone else is taking "just a single" drag on a cigarette. What is she going to do when the captain of the Football starts coming on to her? Listen to what she has to say. Don't trap her, give her a chance to think about it before she replies. Make it a discussion not an argument. If she says she is going to pass on the beer, cigarette and football player is she sure? Is she sure she has the confidence in herself to not be one of the crowd and participate in the activities that she knows isn't right? If she is then it is your turn to ask her what YOU can do to support HER? What can you do to help her to stay out of trouble and be her own person instead one of just one of the "in" crowd? If she does start to get into trouble are you going to be there for her to come to for help without "I told you so!"? If you are planning on being there for support with out the "I told you so" tell her that! Then STICK TO IT! Tell her that you will love her no matter "WHAT"! ...but there are several "what's" that you would really like both of you to steer around and avoid.
I can almost guarantee that the conversation as you described it went in one ear then out the other and probably pushed her into signing up for cheerleading more than making her think twice about it.
I know she is your daughter and you changed her diapers but at some point you are going to have to start thinking of her as her own PERSON and communicating with her as such.
I have told my 17yo daughter that when she wants to start experimenting with drinking that I hope she does it at our house in a safe environment and any of her friends that she wants to have over at that time will have to have their parents give me verbal permission over the phone before I will let them drink. I would rather her be safe in a safe environment than forbid it and have her do these things behind my back and hide it from me.
You're the parent, it is time for you to be the grown up one and establish a line of communication with her rather than being childish, dumping a bunch of crap about how useless cheerleading is on her and starting arguments... or worse yet pushing her away so that she never wants to have REAL conversations with you.
I don't think you had an honest open conversation about the matter with your daughter. You threw out a bunch of superficial negatives due to your past experiences instead of telling her what is really on your mind and listening to her feedback. What do you really not like about cheerleading and football players? Be honest with her. Listen to her feedback. What is she going to do when someone hands her a beer "just to have a sip". What is she going to do when the other cheerleaders start being all catty and gossipy about the other non-"in" girls? What is she going to do when everyone else is taking "just a single" drag on a cigarette. What is she going to do when the captain of the Football starts coming on to her? Listen to what she has to say. Don't trap her, give her a chance to think about it before she replies. Make it a discussion not an argument. If she says she is going to pass on the beer, cigarette and football player is she sure? Is she sure she has the confidence in herself to not be one of the crowd and participate in the activities that she knows isn't right? If she is then it is your turn to ask her what YOU can do to support HER? What can you do to help her to stay out of trouble and be her own person instead one of just one of the "in" crowd? If she does start to get into trouble are you going to be there for her to come to for help without "I told you so!"? If you are planning on being there for support with out the "I told you so" tell her that! Then STICK TO IT! Tell her that you will love her no matter "WHAT"! ...but there are several "what's" that you would really like both of you to steer around and avoid.
I can almost guarantee that the conversation as you described it went in one ear then out the other and probably pushed her into signing up for cheerleading more than making her think twice about it.
I know she is your daughter and you changed her diapers but at some point you are going to have to start thinking of her as her own PERSON and communicating with her as such.
I have told my 17yo daughter that when she wants to start experimenting with drinking that I hope she does it at our house in a safe environment and any of her friends that she wants to have over at that time will have to have their parents give me verbal permission over the phone before I will let them drink. I would rather her be safe in a safe environment than forbid it and have her do these things behind my back and hide it from me.
You're the parent, it is time for you to be the grown up one and establish a line of communication with her rather than being childish, dumping a bunch of crap about how useless cheerleading is on her and starting arguments... or worse yet pushing her away so that she never wants to have REAL conversations with you.
Last edited:
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- Nov 14, 2016
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I'm on the same page as you in regards to my thoughts on cheerleaders and football. Seeing you are in Texas you are dealing with high school FOOTBALL which is several steps beyond what we have here.
That said I agree with Mac, pick your battles. Clearly this is something she wants to do if she has asked several years in a row.
Maybe she does it and hates it, maybe she gets kicked off the team for failing to follow the book full of rules but that is on her. She can still say she did it, maybe look back and say you were right if it doesn't go well but at least she won't wonder what might have been.
I get that you are not actually saying no, but by forcefully pointing out why it is a bad idea, you are basically saying no. You are putting her in the position of challenging your judgement and risking having you think badly of her which is tough for a kid.
As far as telling them not to touch a hot stove, its more like saying don't go water skiing. You know a lot of bad stuff could happen water skiing, people die water skiing, but it is fun. As for stay away from that kind of guy, my mother in law was told that about my father in law, in fact she was banished for several years for marrying him. They have now been married 40+ years.
You can't live your whole life wrapped in bubble wrap.
Now as a parent myself I will qualify this by saying I'm off to wrap my kid in bubble wrap. I get it, this parenting thing is tough. All we can do is try and do what we think is right without squashing their independence and their right to make mistakes.
That said I agree with Mac, pick your battles. Clearly this is something she wants to do if she has asked several years in a row.
Maybe she does it and hates it, maybe she gets kicked off the team for failing to follow the book full of rules but that is on her. She can still say she did it, maybe look back and say you were right if it doesn't go well but at least she won't wonder what might have been.
I get that you are not actually saying no, but by forcefully pointing out why it is a bad idea, you are basically saying no. You are putting her in the position of challenging your judgement and risking having you think badly of her which is tough for a kid.
As far as telling them not to touch a hot stove, its more like saying don't go water skiing. You know a lot of bad stuff could happen water skiing, people die water skiing, but it is fun. As for stay away from that kind of guy, my mother in law was told that about my father in law, in fact she was banished for several years for marrying him. They have now been married 40+ years.
You can't live your whole life wrapped in bubble wrap.
Now as a parent myself I will qualify this by saying I'm off to wrap my kid in bubble wrap. I get it, this parenting thing is tough. All we can do is try and do what we think is right without squashing their independence and their right to make mistakes.
Yes, you are being a stick in the mud. It’s our job as a parent to encourage and support our kids in the things they want to do, as long as they won’t endanger themselves. I am honest with my kids about what will happen based on the choices they make, but it is their decision on what they want to do. Just because you don’t like something doesn’t mean they won’t thrive and succeed at it. Cheerleading builds many skills, it’s as athletic as any sport, she will be working in a team, learning how to manage disappointment when things don’t go right. Those are all skills she needs to succeed in life.
My son plays hockey, I used to ski, but my fall and winters for the past 11 years have been tied up with traveling every weekend to games all over the state, not being able to go away at Christmas because of tournaments, many doctors visits, etc. My son is now a senior in high school, his last season ends in a few weeks and I am going to miss it, a lot. I don’t wish for a second we did anything different.
Let her try it, and hold her feet to the fire to learn what a commitment means, be honest with her, but not negative, and you might be surprised. We are all stumbling through this parenting thing, I have made plenty of mistakes and have many times wished I could have done something differently. The hardest part is letting your kids fail, but at some point you need to let them take that risk, and this sounds like the right situation for her.
My son plays hockey, I used to ski, but my fall and winters for the past 11 years have been tied up with traveling every weekend to games all over the state, not being able to go away at Christmas because of tournaments, many doctors visits, etc. My son is now a senior in high school, his last season ends in a few weeks and I am going to miss it, a lot. I don’t wish for a second we did anything different.
Let her try it, and hold her feet to the fire to learn what a commitment means, be honest with her, but not negative, and you might be surprised. We are all stumbling through this parenting thing, I have made plenty of mistakes and have many times wished I could have done something differently. The hardest part is letting your kids fail, but at some point you need to let them take that risk, and this sounds like the right situation for her.
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Hang in there and don’t give her a hard time if she drops out.
Go to the games and show interest in anything that she’s interested in.
Do your best to make sure she’s the one on the ground during aerial routines.
Encourage her to excel in her courses and challenge herself academically.
We have one daughter who played volleyball during high school and piano since she was four. Piano was the only thing I told her she had to stick with and I’m glad she did. She is a self driven person who completed high school at the top of her class and went on to complete an engineering degree in four years. She also did half her masters at the same time and graduated with that one year later while working full time.
We’re super proud of her and can’t believe at 23 she’s earning more than either one of us, and moving up in a career she loves
It sounds like you’re doing a good job, just the fact you’re asking opinions shows how much you care.
John
Go to the games and show interest in anything that she’s interested in.
Do your best to make sure she’s the one on the ground during aerial routines.
Encourage her to excel in her courses and challenge herself academically.
We have one daughter who played volleyball during high school and piano since she was four. Piano was the only thing I told her she had to stick with and I’m glad she did. She is a self driven person who completed high school at the top of her class and went on to complete an engineering degree in four years. She also did half her masters at the same time and graduated with that one year later while working full time.
We’re super proud of her and can’t believe at 23 she’s earning more than either one of us, and moving up in a career she loves
It sounds like you’re doing a good job, just the fact you’re asking opinions shows how much you care.
John
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- Oct 29, 2012
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- 1,329
Well I woke up to way more input than I expected. Clearly I am an outlier in choosing the way that I handled this; that is what I was growing fear/suspect, and I'm glad I asked the question. I've read all your replies twice and I wish I had time to individually reply to each thing I want to address but I'm off to work in a bit, so even though it feels like a cop out, I'll issue blanket thanks to everyone who took the time to respond and let you know that I'll be chewing on your words for the next few hours or for the rest of my life, as I come to rest in a new outlook on this. Thanks again for your honest feedback.
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Just want to clarify that this isn't/wasn't about whether or not I should let her join. I told her if she chose to join I would support her, and I meant it, and she joined. So the ship has sailed. I was just reeling a bit from her decision and analyzing my decisions leading up to this, looking for a new perspective; if I should have been more supportive from the beginning, or if I should have actually said "NO" or whatever the case may be. Because I have two more daughters in the pipeline; two more chances to handle this better.
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I also went this route . All of my children (3) played sports . Baseball , soccer , basketball , football , lacrosse to name a few . We traveled the country for tournaments for family vacations for years , met many new friends , went to places we would never had seen , collected many memories . These were the best of times in my view . It has also led to employment for my daughter and contacts across the nation for my sons . My daughter coached her college basketball team for 3 years before working for the Lacrosse Hall of Fame presently . Many of my sons friends are now pro scouts for Major League Baseball teams here as well as the north of the border teams . Cough cough , he lives on Blue Jay Way now up in Toronto . I ended up with my 45 acres up in New York above Cooperstown because of the Dream Park Tournaments we attended every year also . Do I miss these times ? You bet I do . My daughter may have the decision to make if she wants to coach her alma mater once again . I told her she would have my support 110% and she would also have an assistant coach by her side .
This Wednesday night is her final recruited class's senior night at the college , and my entire family will be there . The team which was always at the top of the Centennial Conference for years has basically fallen apart after the entire coaching staff left . It would be fun to turn it back around . 