- Joined
- Oct 29, 2012
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- 1,329
My daughter is 15, turning 16 in a few months. She has asked the past few years if she can join cheerleading, and while I'm not in favor of it, I did not forbid it. Yet each time try-outs come up, she asks again (because "last time you said I couldn't"). And I have to reiterate that I never said she couldn't, and re-hash this conversation:
Me: "Why do you want to spend your time leading praise & worship services in honor of football players? Do the football players come cheer at your basketball games? Does the cheerleading squad even come cheer at your basketball games? Does it not seem a little 'off' to you, that cheerleaders' entire purpose is to pump up the egos of the football team? If you're going to invest that kind of time and effort (that cheerleading requires) into building your high school image, wouldn't you rather be known for something that you're actually interested in and/or good at, rather than for dancing around in a short skirt for someone else who's good at something else that you don't even care about?"
Her: "They do other stuff dad, like go to UIL and cheer competitions"
Me: "Does the football team attend cheerleaders UIL and the cheer competitions to support the cheerleaders? You know, firefighters also go to competitions. They compete climbing ladders and stuff. Why do firefighters exist? Is it to go to competitions?"
Her: "No, it's to fight fires."
Me: "and why do cheerleaders exist?"
Her: "Dad it's not about that, it's just, like, you know, like, just for fun."
Me: "There are other fun things you can do. Things that will benefit you more in life than cheerleading. Are you seriously not interested in any of them?"
Her: "Well all my friends are doing cheerleading and I just want to try it."
Me: "Well, it's not something you 'just try.' They have strict rules and they expect to own your life. Do you remember last year they sent home a handbook with you that was 1/4" thick and detailed every little thing they expect of you, lest you be kicked off the squad? How they expect you to act, talk, dress? How you, and by extension I must obtain permission in writing for you to be excused from practices during summer and spring break if we want to go on vacation? I would have to pay a rather large non-refundable amount for you to join, and if I pay it, you had better believe that you will be at every single practice and event they want you at. I will not have that money wasted on you getting kicked off the squad."
Her: "It's not that much money and they don't even practice that much."
Me: "Until you have a job and your own money, I will decide how much is 'not much money' and I can guarantee that your 'not much practice' will inevitably coincide with whenever it is we have an opportunity to go out of town. That's just how things work."
Her: "..."
Me: "Look, you need to think more about this. You're being flippant, treating it like it's an inconsequential thing, something you're just going to dip your toe into for an opportunity to hang out with your friends. Cheerleading is much more than that. Talk to your friends who are cheerleaders, talk to their coach. Find out what the practice schedule is, find out exactly how often they practice over summer and during the school year. Find out what they actually do, apart from cartwheels during halftime, and decide if it (it = actual cheerleading, not just hanging out with friends) is something that you actually want to do, and if you think it's something you can actually manage in terms of time and being still able to study and pass all your classes. If this is something that you're actually passionate about and feel compelled to do, then I will support you in it. But if it's anything else, if there's any half-heartedness in it at all, then you probably shouldn't do it."
Her: "Ok, I will."
Then I don't hear any more about it until a year later when the "Last time you said I couldn't" accusation comes back around. Had this discussion again Monday night, and this time I said "I'm recording this, so that I don't have to remember my script next year. I can just play it back to you. And I'm going to save it in a secure folder to play back to my grandkids in 20 years when they come and ask me how come I didn't let mommy be a cheerleader." She said OK.
This evening she informed us that she finally signed up. Sigh. Ok, well I hope it's everything you expected and more.
I am self aware enough to know that my opinions are tainted with bitterness and are formed mostly by my own unsatisfactory high school experience, but I don't think that invalidates them. My opinion on high school hasn't changed a bit since I graduated 18 years ago. I think the wholesale worship of football players is unhealthy, most of all for the players themselves. We turn them into living legends at age 17 and by the time they're 19 most of them will be nobodies. How much sense does that make? How does that set these young men up for success in life? And I thought we were supposed to all about empowering women these days; how does that jive with reinforcing the traditional gender hierarchy, making the pinnacle of social status a young woman can hope to achieve, be a tool of exaltation of practitioners of a sport that girls aren't even allowed to play?
Looking for feedback on this. Am I being a stick in the mud? Should I just be blindly supportive of whatever school-sanctioned activity my kids become interested in, no matter my own opinions, and no matter their motivations? Is that what a good parent does? (serious question). I mean, I know this is a small thing in the big picture; I could have much worse problems on my hands. My wife was pregnant at the age my daughter is right now.
Me: "Why do you want to spend your time leading praise & worship services in honor of football players? Do the football players come cheer at your basketball games? Does the cheerleading squad even come cheer at your basketball games? Does it not seem a little 'off' to you, that cheerleaders' entire purpose is to pump up the egos of the football team? If you're going to invest that kind of time and effort (that cheerleading requires) into building your high school image, wouldn't you rather be known for something that you're actually interested in and/or good at, rather than for dancing around in a short skirt for someone else who's good at something else that you don't even care about?"
Her: "They do other stuff dad, like go to UIL and cheer competitions"
Me: "Does the football team attend cheerleaders UIL and the cheer competitions to support the cheerleaders? You know, firefighters also go to competitions. They compete climbing ladders and stuff. Why do firefighters exist? Is it to go to competitions?"
Her: "No, it's to fight fires."
Me: "and why do cheerleaders exist?"
Her: "Dad it's not about that, it's just, like, you know, like, just for fun."
Me: "There are other fun things you can do. Things that will benefit you more in life than cheerleading. Are you seriously not interested in any of them?"
Her: "Well all my friends are doing cheerleading and I just want to try it."
Me: "Well, it's not something you 'just try.' They have strict rules and they expect to own your life. Do you remember last year they sent home a handbook with you that was 1/4" thick and detailed every little thing they expect of you, lest you be kicked off the squad? How they expect you to act, talk, dress? How you, and by extension I must obtain permission in writing for you to be excused from practices during summer and spring break if we want to go on vacation? I would have to pay a rather large non-refundable amount for you to join, and if I pay it, you had better believe that you will be at every single practice and event they want you at. I will not have that money wasted on you getting kicked off the squad."
Her: "It's not that much money and they don't even practice that much."
Me: "Until you have a job and your own money, I will decide how much is 'not much money' and I can guarantee that your 'not much practice' will inevitably coincide with whenever it is we have an opportunity to go out of town. That's just how things work."
Her: "..."
Me: "Look, you need to think more about this. You're being flippant, treating it like it's an inconsequential thing, something you're just going to dip your toe into for an opportunity to hang out with your friends. Cheerleading is much more than that. Talk to your friends who are cheerleaders, talk to their coach. Find out what the practice schedule is, find out exactly how often they practice over summer and during the school year. Find out what they actually do, apart from cartwheels during halftime, and decide if it (it = actual cheerleading, not just hanging out with friends) is something that you actually want to do, and if you think it's something you can actually manage in terms of time and being still able to study and pass all your classes. If this is something that you're actually passionate about and feel compelled to do, then I will support you in it. But if it's anything else, if there's any half-heartedness in it at all, then you probably shouldn't do it."
Her: "Ok, I will."
Then I don't hear any more about it until a year later when the "Last time you said I couldn't" accusation comes back around. Had this discussion again Monday night, and this time I said "I'm recording this, so that I don't have to remember my script next year. I can just play it back to you. And I'm going to save it in a secure folder to play back to my grandkids in 20 years when they come and ask me how come I didn't let mommy be a cheerleader." She said OK.
This evening she informed us that she finally signed up. Sigh. Ok, well I hope it's everything you expected and more.
I am self aware enough to know that my opinions are tainted with bitterness and are formed mostly by my own unsatisfactory high school experience, but I don't think that invalidates them. My opinion on high school hasn't changed a bit since I graduated 18 years ago. I think the wholesale worship of football players is unhealthy, most of all for the players themselves. We turn them into living legends at age 17 and by the time they're 19 most of them will be nobodies. How much sense does that make? How does that set these young men up for success in life? And I thought we were supposed to all about empowering women these days; how does that jive with reinforcing the traditional gender hierarchy, making the pinnacle of social status a young woman can hope to achieve, be a tool of exaltation of practitioners of a sport that girls aren't even allowed to play?
Looking for feedback on this. Am I being a stick in the mud? Should I just be blindly supportive of whatever school-sanctioned activity my kids become interested in, no matter my own opinions, and no matter their motivations? Is that what a good parent does? (serious question). I mean, I know this is a small thing in the big picture; I could have much worse problems on my hands. My wife was pregnant at the age my daughter is right now.
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