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O’Flaherty fished his piece of toast from the toaster, buttered it, put it on a plate and was turning towards the table when – disaster – the toast slid off the plate and, as if time had gone into slow motion, he watched his breakfast describe a gentle arc as it fell to the floor.
Where it landed butter side up.
Of course, O’Flaherty couldn’t believe his eyes. He bent down to take a closer look. There was the piece of toast, definitely butter side up He stretched a hand to retrieve it, but something stayed him and instead he slowly stood up, tipped his head towards the door and called ‘Mary, would ye come and look at this!’
Mary bustled into the kitchen, tying her dressing gown, ‘What’s yer craik this morning then, O'Flaherty?’
‘Stop there, woman, and just look at that!’ with a dramatic flourish of his arm, O’Flaherty drew her attention to the toast, ‘Oi just dropped me toast and it landed there butter side up!’
Now Mary was as excited as her husband. They both knew that buttered toast – or buttered bread, or a buttered muffin, or buttered anything – never lands butter side up.
‘It’s a miracle!’ Mary declared, ‘It’s a sign from the Almighty, so it is. We need to go and fetch the Priest, right away, so we do!’
Well, the Priest was fetched. And he was just as amazed and had no reasonable explanation as to how such a thing might have occurred. He used his mobile to take a picture, indeed several pictures, showing the piece of toast. Lying there on the kitchen floor butter side up.
‘It’s a miracle!’ Mary yet again insisted, ‘It’s a sign, so it is! It means better times for this village. Oh, I can see it now, Ballindingy will become a place of pilgrimage, so it will. Knock won’t have it all to itself when pious souls need to feel closer to the Lord!’
Swept along by the religious fervour evident on his parishioners’ shining faces, the Priest agrees that the correct course of action, indeed the only course of action, is to make a call to the Bishop and appraise that luminary of the Ballindingy Event.
‘You must leave the scene undisturbed.’ the Priest tells them, ‘This is evidence and needs to be examined by the Proper Authorities, so it does.’
Well, later that morning, the Bishop’s secretary arrives in Ballindingy and holds discussions with the priest, O’Flaherty and Mary. He misses the opportunity to witness the piece of toast lying butter side up on the kitchen floor – Roisin the pet Spaniel has too late been banished to the garden. But that doesn’t matter, given the Priest’s foresight in collecting photographic evidence. Plus of course the earnest testimony of O’Flaherty and his wife.
By the afternoon, the entire village has heard the exiting news. Well, everybody has heard that there has been a miracle in the O’Flaherty house, though the details vary a little with the re-telling. For example, somebody tells O’Mally in the pub that the Virgin Mary herself had appeared that day and cooked O’Flaherty’s toast for him. And that was just one of the more reasonable accounts.
Within days, the story is all over the local press and television. The Primate of Ireland has to step in and sound a careful note of caution, ‘Now, it appears that something highly unusual has indeed happened right in front of Mr O’Flaherty, but we cannot just go declaring Miracles willy-nilly. For a proper investigation, we need Papal authority, so we do.’
And in due course, the Primate of Ireland sends a detailed report to the Vatican. Enumerating the testimony of O’Flaherty, his wife, the Priest, the local Bishop and all others who have expressed an opinion.
There is no need to detail the correspondence that ensues between Primate and Vatican, but in due course, a Papal official is sent to Ireland, with the full authority as the Pope’s Envoy to rule on the matter. After a night in Dublin as the Primate’s guest, the two senior churchmen journey to the palace of the local Bishop. And after a night there the senior churchmen, now three in number, journey to Ballindingy. O’Flaherty’s house is visited, and once more O’Flaherty tells the familiar story. Omitting no detail, you can be sure. 'Just lying there, right there it was. Butter side up!' And Mary is once more able to recount events from her perspective. And once more the photographs are examined.
Papal Envoy, Primate, Bishop and Priest regroup to the Priest’s house for lunch and to consider the evidence. After which, the Envoy emerges to make an official announcement of his findings. A crowd of exited locals has gathered.
‘People of Ballindingy, I am aware that there has been considerable excitement in this village of late, on the question of whether a Miracle happened when O’Flaherty dropped his toast. There has been speculation that a Miracle happened and caused the toast to land Butter side up! But it is my duty, with the Authority of the Vatican, to quash any such idea of Miracles.’
An audible groan of disappointment rises from the crowd. He raises a hand for silence.
‘After a detailed and careful consideration of all the evidence, and taking full account of the protestations of all involved, it appears that what occurred that morning . . .'
and here the Papal Envoy pauses to clear his throat,
‘well, it appears what occurred that morning was that O’Flaherty buttered his toast on the wrong side.’
Where it landed butter side up.
Of course, O’Flaherty couldn’t believe his eyes. He bent down to take a closer look. There was the piece of toast, definitely butter side up He stretched a hand to retrieve it, but something stayed him and instead he slowly stood up, tipped his head towards the door and called ‘Mary, would ye come and look at this!’
Mary bustled into the kitchen, tying her dressing gown, ‘What’s yer craik this morning then, O'Flaherty?’
‘Stop there, woman, and just look at that!’ with a dramatic flourish of his arm, O’Flaherty drew her attention to the toast, ‘Oi just dropped me toast and it landed there butter side up!’
Now Mary was as excited as her husband. They both knew that buttered toast – or buttered bread, or a buttered muffin, or buttered anything – never lands butter side up.
‘It’s a miracle!’ Mary declared, ‘It’s a sign from the Almighty, so it is. We need to go and fetch the Priest, right away, so we do!’
Well, the Priest was fetched. And he was just as amazed and had no reasonable explanation as to how such a thing might have occurred. He used his mobile to take a picture, indeed several pictures, showing the piece of toast. Lying there on the kitchen floor butter side up.
‘It’s a miracle!’ Mary yet again insisted, ‘It’s a sign, so it is! It means better times for this village. Oh, I can see it now, Ballindingy will become a place of pilgrimage, so it will. Knock won’t have it all to itself when pious souls need to feel closer to the Lord!’
Swept along by the religious fervour evident on his parishioners’ shining faces, the Priest agrees that the correct course of action, indeed the only course of action, is to make a call to the Bishop and appraise that luminary of the Ballindingy Event.
‘You must leave the scene undisturbed.’ the Priest tells them, ‘This is evidence and needs to be examined by the Proper Authorities, so it does.’
Well, later that morning, the Bishop’s secretary arrives in Ballindingy and holds discussions with the priest, O’Flaherty and Mary. He misses the opportunity to witness the piece of toast lying butter side up on the kitchen floor – Roisin the pet Spaniel has too late been banished to the garden. But that doesn’t matter, given the Priest’s foresight in collecting photographic evidence. Plus of course the earnest testimony of O’Flaherty and his wife.
By the afternoon, the entire village has heard the exiting news. Well, everybody has heard that there has been a miracle in the O’Flaherty house, though the details vary a little with the re-telling. For example, somebody tells O’Mally in the pub that the Virgin Mary herself had appeared that day and cooked O’Flaherty’s toast for him. And that was just one of the more reasonable accounts.
Within days, the story is all over the local press and television. The Primate of Ireland has to step in and sound a careful note of caution, ‘Now, it appears that something highly unusual has indeed happened right in front of Mr O’Flaherty, but we cannot just go declaring Miracles willy-nilly. For a proper investigation, we need Papal authority, so we do.’
And in due course, the Primate of Ireland sends a detailed report to the Vatican. Enumerating the testimony of O’Flaherty, his wife, the Priest, the local Bishop and all others who have expressed an opinion.
There is no need to detail the correspondence that ensues between Primate and Vatican, but in due course, a Papal official is sent to Ireland, with the full authority as the Pope’s Envoy to rule on the matter. After a night in Dublin as the Primate’s guest, the two senior churchmen journey to the palace of the local Bishop. And after a night there the senior churchmen, now three in number, journey to Ballindingy. O’Flaherty’s house is visited, and once more O’Flaherty tells the familiar story. Omitting no detail, you can be sure. 'Just lying there, right there it was. Butter side up!' And Mary is once more able to recount events from her perspective. And once more the photographs are examined.
Papal Envoy, Primate, Bishop and Priest regroup to the Priest’s house for lunch and to consider the evidence. After which, the Envoy emerges to make an official announcement of his findings. A crowd of exited locals has gathered.
‘People of Ballindingy, I am aware that there has been considerable excitement in this village of late, on the question of whether a Miracle happened when O’Flaherty dropped his toast. There has been speculation that a Miracle happened and caused the toast to land Butter side up! But it is my duty, with the Authority of the Vatican, to quash any such idea of Miracles.’
An audible groan of disappointment rises from the crowd. He raises a hand for silence.
‘After a detailed and careful consideration of all the evidence, and taking full account of the protestations of all involved, it appears that what occurred that morning . . .'
and here the Papal Envoy pauses to clear his throat,
‘well, it appears what occurred that morning was that O’Flaherty buttered his toast on the wrong side.’
