- Joined
- Oct 7, 2020
- Messages
- 2,350
Since I haven't checked in to the joke forum for a while, this may have been posted already. Sorry if that's the case.
-
Welcome back Guest! Did you know you can mentor other members here at H-M? If not, please check out our Relaunch of Hobby Machinist Mentoring Program!
That's ***waaayyyy*** out of date. Crapsman is the new Harbor Freight, and Horror Fraught has really upped their game (though they still carry some real garbage as well). Beware anyone advising you to buy Snap-On, unless it's reasonably priced at a garage sale...
GsT
- Joined
- Oct 7, 2020
- Messages
- 2,350
Boy isn't that the truth.
But ya gotta remember..... It's a Joke Son. It wasn't mint to be a real guideline.
But ya gotta remember..... It's a Joke Son. It wasn't mint to be a real guideline.
- Joined
- Feb 1, 2015
- Messages
- 9,984
The best jokes have a grain of truth in them.
- Joined
- Feb 1, 2015
- Messages
- 9,984
Sent to me by my British wife.
BRITISH HUMOUR IS JUST DIFFERENT
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites!
___________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
________________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
_______________________________________________________
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
________________________________________________________
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
_____________________________________________________________
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
___________________________________________________________
And the WINNER is...
FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
(Statement of the Century)
___________________________________________________________
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.
"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,
How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
____________________________________________________________
Children Are Quick
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________
PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH
Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
BRITISH HUMOUR IS JUST DIFFERENT
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites!
___________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
________________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
_______________________________________________________
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
________________________________________________________
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
_____________________________________________________________
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
___________________________________________________________
And the WINNER is...
FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
(Statement of the Century)
___________________________________________________________
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.
"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,
How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
____________________________________________________________
Children Are Quick
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________
PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH
Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
- Joined
- Feb 1, 2015
- Messages
- 9,984
- Joined
- Feb 1, 2015
- Messages
- 9,984
> This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the
> Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan.
>
> This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter
before you
> get to the response letter.
>
> ----------------------------------------- ------------------------
>
> SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm
County
>
> Dear Mr. DeVries
>
> It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental
Quality
> that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above
referenced
> parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner
and/or
> contractor who did the following unauthorized activity Construction
and
> maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of
Spring
> Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of
activity.
> A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been
issued.
> Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in
violation
> of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and
> Environmental Protection Act, Act
> 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to
324.30113 of
> the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
>
> The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams
partially
> failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at
> downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently
> hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders
you to
> cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the
stream
> to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the
dams
>from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no
later
> than January 31, 2002. Please notify this office when the restoration
has
> been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled
by our
> staff.
>
> Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized
activity
> on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated
enforcement
> action.
>
> We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this
matter.
> Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any
questions.
> Sincerely, David L. Price
> District Representative Land and Water Management Division
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> This is the actual response sent back:
Dear Mr. Price,
Re: DEQ File No.
> 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.
>
> Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to
respond
> to.
>
> I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget,
Pierson,
> Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process
of
> constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet
> stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor
supervise
> their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you
call
> their skillful use of nature's building materials "debris." I would
like to
> challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any
time
> and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no
way
> you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness,
their dam
> ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or
their dam
> work ethic.
>
> As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they
must
> first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam
> activity.
>
> My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to
discriminate
> against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers
throughout
> this State to conform to said dam request?
>
> If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers,
through
> the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all
those
> other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we
will
> see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and
> Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act,
Act 451
> of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to324.30113 of
the
Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
>
> I have several concerns. My first concern is -- aren't the beavers
> entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are
financially
> destitute and are unable to pay for said representation - so the
State will
> have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern
that
> either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event
causing
> flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the
Department
> is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring
Pond
> Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.
If
> you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please
contact
> the beavers- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did
not
> pay any attention to your dam letter--they being unable to read
English.
>
> In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to
build
> their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is
green and
> water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live
and
> enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and
Environmental
> Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural
resources
> (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).
>
> So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can
be
> referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait
until
1/31/2002? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and
> there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them
then.
>
> In conclusion, I would like to bring your attention to a real
> environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears!
>
> Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe
you
> should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers
alone.
>
> If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step!
(The
> bears are not careful where they dump!)
>
> Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to
> contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response
to
> your dam office.
>
> Thank You
>
> RYAN DeVries + THE DAM BEAVERS
_
> Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan.
>
> This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter
before you
> get to the response letter.
>
> ----------------------------------------- ------------------------
>
> SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm
County
>
> Dear Mr. DeVries
>
> It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental
Quality
> that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above
referenced
> parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner
and/or
> contractor who did the following unauthorized activity Construction
and
> maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of
Spring
> Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of
activity.
> A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been
issued.
> Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in
violation
> of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and
> Environmental Protection Act, Act
> 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to
324.30113 of
> the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
>
> The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams
partially
> failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at
> downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently
> hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders
you to
> cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the
stream
> to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the
dams
>from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no
later
> than January 31, 2002. Please notify this office when the restoration
has
> been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled
by our
> staff.
>
> Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized
activity
> on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated
enforcement
> action.
>
> We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this
matter.
> Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any
questions.
> Sincerely, David L. Price
> District Representative Land and Water Management Division
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> This is the actual response sent back:
Dear Mr. Price,
Re: DEQ File No.
> 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.
>
> Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to
respond
> to.
>
> I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget,
Pierson,
> Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process
of
> constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet
> stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor
supervise
> their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you
call
> their skillful use of nature's building materials "debris." I would
like to
> challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any
time
> and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no
way
> you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness,
their dam
> ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or
their dam
> work ethic.
>
> As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they
must
> first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam
> activity.
>
> My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to
discriminate
> against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers
throughout
> this State to conform to said dam request?
>
> If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers,
through
> the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all
those
> other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we
will
> see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and
> Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act,
Act 451
> of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to324.30113 of
the
Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
>
> I have several concerns. My first concern is -- aren't the beavers
> entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are
financially
> destitute and are unable to pay for said representation - so the
State will
> have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern
that
> either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event
causing
> flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the
Department
> is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring
Pond
> Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.
If
> you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please
contact
> the beavers- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did
not
> pay any attention to your dam letter--they being unable to read
English.
>
> In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to
build
> their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is
green and
> water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live
and
> enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and
Environmental
> Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural
resources
> (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).
>
> So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can
be
> referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait
until
1/31/2002? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and
> there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them
then.
>
> In conclusion, I would like to bring your attention to a real
> environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears!
>
> Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe
you
> should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers
alone.
>
> If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step!
(The
> bears are not careful where they dump!)
>
> Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to
> contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response
to
> your dam office.
>
> Thank You
>
> RYAN DeVries + THE DAM BEAVERS
_
- Joined
- Sep 22, 2019
- Messages
- 1,044
I sure hope his helper has 911 on speed dial!!
- Joined
- Sep 22, 2019
- Messages
- 1,044
The delivery fee from the merchant would have been much cheaper I believe!Appears to be self inflicted from the trailer I see behind it. I’d say they are very, very lucky. As long as they didn’t have any passengers