Today's Jokes - 2024

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a civil engineer were lounging on the beach sharing a bottle of wine and discussing God.
The mechanical engineer said, "God is a mechanical engineer, all you have to do is look at the human body, the skeleton is the structure, the muscles are the actuators, the joints and ligaments are pivot points, and the tendons are the connecting rods, definitely a mechanical engineer."
The electrical engineer called BS on that, "God is an electrical engineer", he proclaimed, "It all works because of the synapses firing in the brain, sending electrical impulses through the nervous system to the muscles, and the propreaceptors sending spatial information back to the brain, and it all malfunctions when the electrolytes get messed up, only an electrical engineer could have designed something like this."
The civil engineer took a swig of wine and proclaimed, "You're both wrong, God is a civil engineer". The other two engineers disagreed, but he continued, "Who, but a civil engineer, would put a wastewater discharge site right in the middle of a recreational area.
 
A woman brought a very limp duck to a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, Ma’am, but your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”
The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet.
“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100 percent certifiably, a dead duck.”
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$550!” she cried, “$550 just to tell me my duck is dead?!”
The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $50, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $550.”
 
A man finds an old bottle on the beach. Picking it up, he gives it a rub to see what it might have been, and poof, out comes a genie.
The genie says" sorry mate I'm running low on wishes so only one for you."
Bloke thinks for a bit and says "I've always wanted to travel to Hawaii but I'm scared of flying. I wish for a highway from Sydney to Hawaii."
Genie thinks for a minute and say "look mate. That's an impossible wish. The amount of concrete and fill required for a job like that would deplete the earths resources. Not to mention the hazard to shipping it would have. Can you think of something simpler?"
Bloke thinks again and says "Ok. Women. I've never understood them. I want to know why they cry, how to make them laugh. I wish I could understand women in general."
Genie thought for a longer while, and said "Did you want that highway to be 2 or 4 lanes?
 
A guy from Houston dies and goes to hell. The devil assigns him a room and comes by to check on him the next day. The devil asks him, “Well, how do you like it down here?” and gives an evil laugh.

The guy says, “Heck, I’m from Houston, I love hot weather. This is just like a day in June.”

So the devil thinks to himself, “I’ll show him!” and he cranks the thermostat up an extra 10 degrees. He comes by to check on the guy the next day asks him,“Well, how do you like it down here now, wise guy?”

The guy says, “I’m loving it. This is just like a day in July back home.”

So the devil cranks the thermostat up as far as it will go. He comes by to check on the guy the next day asks him,“Well, how do you like it down here now? Hot enough for you yet?”

The guy says, “It just keeps getting better, thank you so much! This is just like a day in August back home. My favorite time of the year.”

So the devil thinks to himself, “So, this guy LIKES the heat, doe he? Let’s see how he likes THIS!!” and he turns the thermostat down to super cool. The next day, it’s so cold that icicles are hanging everywhere. The devil looks in on the guy and sees him dancing a jig, turning flips and yelling, “Woohoo! Yay! Woohoo!”

The devil is furious to see the guy so happy and screams “What’s wrong with you? You love the heat and there are icicles everywhere! How can you possibly be so happy?!”

“The Texans won the Super Bowl! The Texans won the Super Bowl!”
 
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety and every woman needs something to protect herself with, right??

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button…..nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs…..AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit that (for a fraction of a second) I thought about zapping Gracie and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a muscle shirt with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would supposedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, no possible way! What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, “don't do it dummy”, reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and…

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . ... WHAT THE HECK!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative? ….IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs and I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it
 
The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards, claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate.

GOV'T AGENT: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

RANCHER: "Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for three years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life.

"Oh, and he also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

GOV'T AGENT: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one."

RANCHER: "That would be me."
 
RJSakowski said:
Thought for the day.

The human brain it the most sophisticated device which can be mass produced by unskilled labor.
Click to expand...

There are two sides to that...

1), it is a statement of fact
2) it is not a joke.

It is, however, quite funny when you consider certain "familial" blood lines....
 
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