My heart is breaking, I think I'm about to loose my boy....

[great white]

Written for another Swissy by his owner. He lived to age ten:

Happy Birthday to me, today I am 11,
And as you know, I’m up here in heaven.

I lived to the fullest, and I loved till the end,
There wasn’t a person I would not befriend.

I watch over my Mom, whose heart is still broken,
I live in her heart where words are unspoken.

There were no regrets for my time on this earth,
I gave and received love, which made it all worth.

I‘ll live in your memory for a long while,
When you think of me, I know that you’ll smile.

There’s one thing I know as I watch from above,
Together we’re bound by a very deep love.

Happy Birthday to me, It’s my end and release,
I’m happy and pain free, my soul is at peace.

 

[great white]

Well, I guess I’m making at least some progress.

I can now go about 5-10 mins without breaking into a deep body racking sob.

Wife tried to go to work today. She made it to lunchtime and her supervisor told her to go home and don’t come back until Friday. Friday is just a half day for them this week. My missus is usually one of those happy, positive, upbeat people. She’s broken up inside like I am, but handling it much better than me. But I guess some pain and hurt you just can’t hide and everyone at work could see it.

I gathered up Sebastians things today and made a “Sebastian box”. Whenever one of our boys pass, we gather up thier baby teeth, leashes, collars and favorite toys and put them in a box. It all gets “retired”, only to be taken out and appreciated on their birthdays. Sebas was very food driven, so I also put his last meal food dish (unwashed) in the box and wrapped one of his favorite treats (dentastix) in a ziplock and added them to the box.

I hate the world right now. I want it to give my boy back…..

 

[great white]

Woke up this am and rolled over expecting to place a hand on the soft smooth neck of my boy as he was always there, waiting for me when I woke up.

Needless to say, my hand just feel to the side of the bed.

I didn't respond well to that......

 

[jarhead]

so sorry for your loss. We have been through this many times as well.

 

[great white]

Not sure if I’m making progress or if I’m “stuck”. I’m thinking I’m stuck in “denial” and “anger”. I don’t feel like I’m grieving and feel like my mind refuses to accept the reality of it all, even though I was there at the vets office with my boy when it ended.

when I take my morning shower, Sebas used to come in and lay on the bath mat until I was done. He always wanted to be close to me. In fact, he was nearly my shadow most of the day.

This am, I was showering (our shower is a big glass box with a rain head) and as I turned around, I swear I saw him laying on the bath mat.

I know its my minds eye playing tricks on me, but I still broke down a little bit.

”grief is the price we pay for love”….

 

[great white]

OK, been more than a week now. Can't sleep anymore. Close my eyes and I see him. Immediately after that I'm deeply sad and staring blankly at the ceiling.

Last night, my mind played tricks on me and I kept picturing him in the crematory oven as it burned him up. Lets just say that lead to some..."interesting"...micro-sleeps and violent wake ups. It doesn't help that I've seen many burned up bodies (and recovered them) in my 30 years of SAR, so my brain has endless supply of raw material to fabricate realistic looking horrors for me.

Lets just say I'm drugging myself to sleep lately and I seem to get between 4-5 hrs if I'm lucky.

I'm back to using zolpidem, which knocks me on my @$$ within 20 minutes. Sometimes a bit longer if my brain is in a "fighting mood".

THC is no longer effective. I can take up to 5 gel caps and not feel much of anything whereas it used to put me out. I guess I have built up a tolerance to it and I'm not willing to go any higher with it.

Problem with zolpidem is that while it does put me down with "authority", it builds up in my system until I become very light sensitive to the point where I can't even be in a room with a window if it has anything less than blackout blinds. I'll have to see if the psychaitrist can precribe an alternative that will be just as effective at sleep but without the side effects.

I told the wife many times when Sebastian goes I wasn't going to deal with it very well. I guess I wasn't a liar......