2020 Archive

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I'm a retired carpenter who also worked selling used cars when work was scarce. One day two brothers that I knew walked into the lot and sked me about real cheap vehicle. After almost a year they landed a long term job and needed a vehicle to get to work. Nothing fancy just reliable til they could afford something better. I asked them how much they wanted to spend. They said they only had $350.00 between them. I told them that the days of real cheap vehicles were gone and even clunkers were over $1000.00, Suddenly I recalled that I did have what they needed.
I said follow me. They got excited when they saw a camel grazing on grass. I told them a Sheik traded the camel in on a new Mercedes Benz. The camel was trained to go on the green, stop and look around on the yellow and stop on the red light. This was a two hump camel that was perfect for them. They bought the camel and I delivered 10 bales of hay and a bath tub for water. The camel cost them #300.00 .
Six months later I saw them again. Now they were looking for a used pick up truck under $10000.00 I asked them how the camel worked out. They said great, camel did everything I said it would do and was cheap and reliable transportation. One day they were stopped at a red light and a pick up truck with long horn steer horns mounted on the hood pulled along side of them. The driver said to the passenger " Beau get a load of them two
a--holes on the camel. They said they got off to look ,light turned green and they never saw the camel again.
 
TOOLS EXPLAINED
DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t'
DROP SAW : A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..
TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR : A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted buckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.
Son of a ***** TOOL : Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a b*tch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
 
Two brothers just got off the boat from Europe and were looking for work. After two weeks of futility they saw a sign in an industrial park that said "Now Hiring" . Joe said to Mike ,I'll see the boss first and if I get hired I let you know.
The boss asked Joe what kind of work do you do? Joe replied that back in the old country he sewed the crotch in ladies underware. The boss that they had an open position for that type of work. He told Joe that you get paid $7.25 an hour and you start in two weeks.
Joe told Mike he got hired and he should see the boss right away. When Mike came back he told Joe that he was hired at $15.00 an hour and he starts the next day.
Joe is angry and goes back upstairs to see the boss. He said " what gives here, you hired my brother at $15.00 an hour and he starts tomorrow."
The boss said your brother has a very important job. Joe said " what exactly did he tell you he did for a living" Boss said that your brother is a Diesel fitter. Joe said that your correct but do you know what that job entails? Boss said not exactly but the job sounds very important.
Joe said let me explain it to you. I sewed the crotches in ladies underware which was the last operation on the assembly line, then handed the finished product to my brother. He inspected the underware and then said , dees il fitter, dees ill fitter.
mike
 
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