2017 Archive

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In California Unleaded gas went to $4.00 a gallon last Thursday.
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting home bound patients when she ran out of gas. Fortunately, an Exxon station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow agas can and buy some gas.
The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out,but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait, and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas, and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline,and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptist ladies watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts,I'm turning Catholic.'
 
Late one evening, a woman came home from work after a long day at the office. When she walked into the kitchen, she found her husband walking around wielding a fly swatter.
“Albert, what are you doing?” she asked.
“I’m hunting flies,” he said.
“Oh, I see. Did you kill any?” she asked.
“Yep, three males two females,” he replied in a confident tone.
The woman was intrigued by her husband’s apparent fly knowledge.
She asked, “But how can you tell the difference between males and females?”
He replied, “Easy. Three were on the beer can and two were on the phone."
 
Parent's Dictionary

DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: able to whine in words.
WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.
 
The manager of a grocery store nabbed a shoplifter in the act. He was escorting the suspect to his office, near the cash registers, when the shoplifter tried to run away.
After a brief scuffle the manager was able to wrestle the thief to the floor. He looked up to see a number of surprised customers staring at him.
"Everything's fine, folks," the manager assured them. "This guy just tried to go through the express line with more than nine items."
 
savarin said:
A guy goes into the Public Service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and you might as well plan on starting at 10:00 am every Day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in You coming in for that."
Click to expand...
Man you are a nut! I told that Frog in the Bank joke all day at work yesterday.
 
Two 90-year-old women, Bertha and Betty, had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Bertha was dying, Betty visited her every day.
One day Betty said, “Bertha, we both loved playing softball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favor: When you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s women’s softball there.”
Bertha looked up at Betty from her deathbed and said, “Betty, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.”
Shortly after that, Bertha passed on.
A few nights later, Betty was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, “Betty, Betty.”
“Who is it?” asked Betty, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”
“Betty — it’s me, Bertha.”
“You’re not Bertha. Bertha just died.”
“I’m telling you, it’s me, Bertha,” insisted the voice.
“Bertha! Where are you?”
“In heaven,” replied Bertha. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”
“Tell me the good news first,” said Betty.
“The good news,” Bertha said, “is that there’s women’s softball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here, too. Even better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.”
“That’s fantastic,” said Betty. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”
“You’re pitching Tuesday.”
 
These two golfers were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball?"

He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "You can't lose it."

His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!"

The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it."

Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball?!"

The man replies, "I found it."
 
A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running along side his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him because he was doing 50 MPH.
He accelerated to 60 and the chicken stayed right next to him.
He sped up to 75 MPH and the chicken passed him up.
The man then noticed that the chicken had three legs, so he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm.
The curious man got out of his car and noticed that all the chickens had three legs. He asked the farmer, "What's up with these chickens?"
The farmer explained, "Well, everybody likes chicken legs, so I bred a three-legged bird. I'm gonna be a millionaire."
"How do they tasted?" asked the man.
"Don't know," replied the farmer, "haven't caught one yet."
 
I went to the doctors, and he said "I haven't seen you for ages" I said, "No, i've been ill"! I said "Doctor, I feel like a pair of cutrains" He said "Pull yourself together"!
What do you call a man with a pile of leaves on his head? Russel
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff
What do you call a man with a spade on his head? Doug.
What do you call a man with two beers on his head, playing pool? Beatrix Potter
and finally
What do you call a man with a piece of meat on his head, cutting grass in a passageway Mohammed Ali
 
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