2017 Archive

[brino]

Now I have no clue where I am?

.......or is that "when" you are?

 

[RandyM]

A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

 

[savarin]

I went in to a pet shop last week to buy a goldfish. The salesman said, “Do you want an aquarium?”

I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”

 

[Bill Gruby]

Ebay is useless. I was looking for LIGHTERS and cane up with 13,456 MATCHES, Sheeeesh.

"Billy G"

 

[WMello]

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

 

[savarin]

Cole’s Law: Thinly Sliced Cabbage

 

[jim18655]

Never trust atoms - the make up everything!

 

[RandyM]

So two Irishmen are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle." At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads." "Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the men. "And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too," adds the other.

 

[savarin]

An Aussie pirate walks into a bar with a wooden leg, a hook and an eye patch.
The Barman says 'Sheesh - How'd you lose the leg'
The Pirate says 'Arrrrr - A shark took it off at the knee'
The Barman says 'Thats no good, what about the hand?'
The Piarate says 'Arrrrg - Lost it in a bloody bar brawl'
The Barman says 'Jeez - Well what about the eye then?'
The Pirate says 'Thats easy a seagul crapped in it'
The Barman says 'What?!?!'
The Pirate says 'Arrrrrrr...I'd only had the hook one day...'

 

[savarin]

An Ukrainian migrant to Australia wanted to become a cabbie so he had to go for an eye test for his drivers licence.
He was shown a card with the text CWNSCZYZQOCTAZS.
He looked at it with wide open eyes, looking very surprised.
The examiner said impatiently; well?
And the Ukrainian answered; I know that bloke...