2017 Archive

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My four year old daughter had a terrible case of the flu, she was achy, had a high fever, and was terribly hoarse. After waiting in the waiting room at the doctor’s office for over an hour we were finally admitted to see the Doctor.

After the usual routine of listening to her breathing and checking her ears, the Doctor looked my daughter in the eye and said, “so what would you say is bothering you the most?”

Without skipping a beat my daughter promptly answered, “Billy, he always breaks my toys!”
 
One of my job is selling second hand car parts, and i get couple of stupid requests over the phone about once a week, i'll share the one, yesterday i sold an window winder handle for manuel window, i ask all the questions, year, model, number of doors, color of the interior, and i got only one question, is it in good condition and working, i replayed yes excellent cosmetic and working condition, today a college gets an angry customer call requesting the manager and his complaint is: i've changed the handle but the windows still doesn't go up, first question the manager asks what was wrong with the original handle, was it broken, the customer says no it wasn't razing the window, second question who diagnosed that the handle is at fault, the customer answers me, then our part is not defective, and the conversation took more than an hour and the customer still could not understand the he needs an mehanizam not a handle, some people.
 
A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says, "Give me all the money or you're geography!" The puzzled teller replies, "Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'" The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
 
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."
 
There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.
 
An incompentent counterfeiter spent all day making his funny money. At the end of the day he realizes he spent all his time making $15 bills.

He figures that the only way he's going to get anything from this batch of money, is to find a place where the people aren't too bright and change his phoney money for real cash.

He travels to a small town and walks into a small Mom and Pop grocery store. He goes to the old man behind the counter and asks him, "Do you have change for a $15 bill?"

The old man replies, "I sure do...How would you like that? An eight and a seven or two sixes and a three?"
 
Hey RandyM, I heard one about a guy that swam 3/4 across a lake thought he couldn't make it so he swam back.
 
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A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his fiftieth birthday, so during this party he grabs the mic and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. "I will give anything they desire of mine, to the person who swims across that pool."

So the party continues with no events in the pool, until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened, and in the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the fins come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, wet and soaked!

The millionaire grabs the mic and says, "I am a man of his word, anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?" the millionaire asks.

The guy grabs the mic and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the guy that pushed me in!"
 
A wealthy rancher from Texas invited his friend from Rhode Island to visit his home. As the Texan was driving his friend down the road. The Rhode Islander mentioned that this was quite a long road. The Texan said that it was his driveway and things are big in Texas. The guest noticed herds of cattle grazing on the land. The Texan said that he was just seeing part of his ranch, which was 50,000 acres. After all things are big in Texas. When they got to the house, it appeared to cover 3 city block. Again the Texan stated that things are big in Texas. When they walked through the house and out on the patio, the guest suddenly fell in the pool screaming, "DON'T FLUSH IT, DON'T FLUSH IT'!!
 
While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days."

Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"

"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.

"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.

The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took the misses to Tucson. For our 50th, I'm thinking about going down there again to pick her up."
 
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