2017 Archive

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A man died and went to The Judgment, they told him , “Before you meet with God, I should tell you — we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?”

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!”

“Wow that’s impressive, “When did this happen?”

“About three minutes ago,” came the reply.
 
A 71 year old man is having a drink in a Chicago bar. Suddenly a gorgeous 19 year old girl enters and sits down a few seats away.

The girl is so attractive that he just can’t take his eyes off her. After a short while the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.

Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone:
“I’ll do anything you’d like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn’t matter how extreme or unusual it is, I’m game. I want 100 dollars, and there’s another condition.”

Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is.
“You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”

The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He then whips out his wallet and puts 10 ten-dollar bills in her outstretched hand.

He then looks her square in the eye, and says slowly and clearly:
“Paint my house.”
 
Listen a job is a job, we all need to find away to put bread on the table don’t we? To make a long story short I’m a telemarketer that’s my job and that’s what I do.

It’s not a job everyone appreciates, but it’s a job I enjoy and am proud of.

The other day I called a house and a real nice lady answered the phone, she was really helpful and friendly, she was the type of lady that helps a telemarketer get through a long day. After some pleasantries I asked if Mr. Smith was in, “I’m sorry”, she answered “I’m afraid he doesn’t live here anymore.”

Now that was a real disappointment being that she was a nice lady and all, but I took it all in a stride, “I’m sorry to hear that ma’am. Do you happen to have his new number.”

“Sure thing!” The woman cheerfully replied, listing off his new number.

I hung up the phone and quickly called the new number and was surprised to hear a recording.

“Thank you for calling Green Acres Cemetery…”
 
A musician walked into a discount guitar store looking for an inexpensive guitar. The salesman showed him an Opporknockity brand guitar. He tuned it, started playing and it was the sweetest sound he ever heard so he bought it. Two week later he returned. The guitar sounded terrible, out of tune, and he couldn't play anything that sounded as good as the first day.
"What's wrong with it?? he asked the salesman that sold it to him.
Salesman replied "Don't you know - Opporknockities only tune once?"
 
Giuseppe excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.

He says, "Just for fun, Mama, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house, sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.

He then says, "Okay, Mama, guess which one am I going to marry?"

Mama says immediately, "The one on the right."

"That's amazing, Mama. You're right. How did you know?"

Mama replies: "I don't like her!"
 
Randy. this really happened. I got a telemarker call and the lady said," Hi, I'm Cindy. Would you like to sign up for our get-a-way tours?" I said. "thank you but not at this time since I have not robbed any banks lately". The ten second silence was just precious.
 
Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
 
silence dogood said:
Randy. this really happened. I got a telemarker call and the lady said," Hi, I'm Cindy. Would you like to sign up for our get-a-way tours?" I said. "thank you but not at this time since I have not robbed any banks lately". The ten second silence was just precious.
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Yeah, I like to play with them too. I then like how they think that their time is more precious than yours.

I had one that I baited for an half an hour. She was really mad at the end.
 
RandyM said:
Yeah, I like to play with them too. I then like how they think that their time is more precious than yours.

I had one that I baited for an half an hour. She was really mad at the end.
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Back in the mid 60's we had a young encyclopedia salesman explain the merits of ency. Americana for the best part of an hour. After that lengthy spiel I asked him how they compared to ency. Britannica. "Nothing compares to Britannica" was his reply whereupon we showed him our brand new set of Britannica. So much for "I'll only take a few minutes of your time."
 
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