2017 Archive

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In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:
"Will I be acquitted?"
 
RandyM said:
John went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of West Virginia. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.
However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.
John yelled and said, "Grandpa, your dog won't let me get to my car."
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, "Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!!!"
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This reminds me of when I was about 10 years old. Some relatives of my mother kept inviting themselves for dinner. After about the fourth evening of this, my dad complained to my mother about this and asked her what they can do about this. The next night my mother made a very nice dinner. The relatives came and ate with us and remarked how wonderful the food was. After every one was done eating, without saying a word, my mother picked up the dishes and put them on the floor for the two dogs, three cats, and a pet rabbet to lick off. Then she calmly put the dishes back in the cabinet. The relatives immediately left after that and never came to dinner again. Right after they left the house, my mother calmly took the dishes out of the cabinet and put them in the dishwasher.
 
This is true!

Last week I had a routine colonoscopy. A few days after the exam I received an email survey from the Gastroenterology office. Two of the questions were:

1) What did you like most about the visit?

2) What did you like least about the visit?
 
A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'
The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'
The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'
The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.' A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, 'Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?'
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison.'
 
RandyM said:
A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'
The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'
The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'
The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.' A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, 'Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?'
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison.'
Click to expand...

This is similar to an old Mark Twain quote...

Woman: If I were married to you, I would put poison in your drink...
Mark Twain: If I were married to you, I would drink it!
 
A minister who was very fond of pure, hot horseradish always kept a bottle of it on his dining room table. Once, at dinner, he offered some to a guest, who took a big spoonful.The guest let out a huge gasp. When he was finally able to speak, he choked out, "I've heard many ministers preach hellfire, but you are the first one I've met who passes out a sample of it."
 
Words from the Cynical Philosopher (courtesy of Gene Stafford's Yucks list)
  • Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
  • I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
  • When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 percent of their body. Men are so polite that they only look at the covered parts.
  • A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
  • Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
  • America is a country that produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy and people who won’t cross the street to vote.
  • You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.
  • Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
  • My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
  • I think my neighbor is stalking me since he's been Googling my name on hiscomputer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
  • You're not fat, you're just easier to see.
  • If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
  • I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out.” ?
  • I can’t understand why women are okay that JCPenney has an older-women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”
  • My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
  • Denny’s has a slogan: “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks.
  • The pharmacist asked me my birth-date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
  • The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
  • I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
  • Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch.
  • The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T. Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara, and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
 
A company offered tours through the historic district, led by guides dressed in Colonial clothing. While leading a group, one of the guides, tripped and fell, breaking his wrist.
He went to the hospital, and as he sat waiting in the emergency room, a policeman walked by. Doing a double take at him in his 18th-century garb he asked, 'Just how long have you been waiting?'
 
After reading the morning headlines about the recent stock market downturn, a high-powered executive trying to impress a client in his office, flipped on his intercom switch and barked to his secretary, "Miss Hunter, get my broker!"
The client was impressed until he heard the secretary's clear voice saying, "Yes, Sir, stock or pawn?"
 
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