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- Feb 1, 2015
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That's quite a tale, David! lmaoFYI guys it's well off topic ........
When I purchased our ideal house which was an 1864 ex railway gated crossing keepers house some 20 years ago the " Strange guy with long hair , lisp , mincing walk & a wet handshake " ,who sold it to us asked me if I would ,"Please Please" dig up his buried pet dogs and take them to his new isolated property .
I asked him how long they'd been , "ex dogs " and he said at least five years ,with " Jingo " being the eldest and being buried over 11 years ago .
No probs I thought, I've had to go corpse digging /looking for bits once or twice and found them without too much grief.
He gave me the rough locations in the 1 & 1/2 acre plot that was now well over grown with nettles , thorny brambles , briar roses & a couple of hundred cheap job lot trees he planted 17 yerars previously , but never given much thought to as to how big they grow etc.
The first couple of months were spent felling trees and getting the brambles & briars out .
Then in the heat of late Summer I decided to go dog looking with the rotor tiller as now was the time to cultivate & sort things out for a massive quality grass lawned area. .
I found most of them the same day , unfortunately each mutt had been wrapped in a silk shroud then wrapped in a genuine lace shawl and put in a new suitcase the only little problem with all this is that he wrapped each body in yards & yards of food wrap plastic film effectively making them into mummies but with out the advantage of the air helping bacteria & worms to decay things .
Each body had turned into a khaki green slime with the hairs still showing and bits of pink bones sliding around inside that rotor tiller had opened up the very first sodding one I found . I hooped my toe nails up several times .. It got so bad I had to go and have a swig of neat gin to clean my mouth out & bolster me up before I could fully excavate it & dump the suitcase on the trailer down the yard.
Over the next few days I found the remainder of them all packed & parceled up in the same manner , with the same result of me doing up chuckies , save for the last one which whilst the suitcase had been caught on the tines of the tiller it hadn't opened up the internal package.
I chucked the last one on the trailer and a wicked thought occurred to me ..I had to go through the local town to get to the guys place.
YUP ! I sliced open all the suitcases with a new blade in my box cutter ,opened the contents to the air, having a few more regurgitation's whilst doing it . Then after vomiting a few more times whilst connecting the trailer to the car , gave Michael a phone call to say I was bringing his boys & girls home , I drove off to his place ....... through town .
In town I had to stop at several traffic lights and as we all know most small market towns on a Saturday are fair crawling with shoppers & it's often faster to walk that travel in a car .. I saw three people that threw up & suspect that there was more .
On getting to Michael's place he came skipping out full of joy with tears in his eyes as soon as he got a whiff of the mess in my trailer he threw up all over his car putting plenty in through it's open window. he ran away then a few minutes later pleaded with me to, " Dig a hole and bury them , over there , I'll pay you £50 ".
" Make it a hundred & your on " ,I said . " Yes Yes I'll give you a hundred " he replied.
That was the easiest £100 I've ever earnt , I had a few more attempts at vomiting but hadn't anything left inside to throw out . On the way back home I stopped off at the ,local chippies & enjoyed a feast of golden hand cut chips (thick french fries ) and a nice piece of golden fried cod in a beer batter along with mushy peas.
batter.
It brought back memories of a tale told by Garrison Keillor, somewhat of an icon here in the upper Midwest. The gentleman appears every Saturday evening on out national public radio in a show called "a Prairie Home Companion" The highlight of each show is the "news from Lake Woebegone", a mythical community of largely Norwegian heritage in Minnesota where "where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average."
In one episode, it seems that a septic tank which had been made from a re-purposed 1937 Chevy had failed and had to be replaced. The car was duly dug up and loaded on a flat bed wagon. Rather than spoil the ending here is a link to the tale in all its glory. Enjoy!
Bob
