# Found This



## Grumpy Gator (May 25, 2016)

_While searching for some cutting tools for a friend._
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*HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive
  machined parts not far from the object we are trying to throw at.
*MACHINIST'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; 
 works particularly well on boxes containing plastic gallon jugs of coolant or sheets of plexiglass.
*ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it
  also works great for drilling Digital readout mounting holes in the table of a milling machine just above the oil line that goes to the Ballscrew.
*HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, 
 unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
*VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat
  to the palm of your hand.
*OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting those stale shop cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the
  Whitworth socket drawer (what wife would think to look in there?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the
  Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.
*ZIPPO LIGHTER: See oxyacetelene torch.
*WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older Cincinnatis and Kearney & Treckers, they are now used mainly for hiding 
 six-month-old Salems from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.
*DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you 
 in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the drill and tap chart
  over the bench grinder.
*WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light.
  Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Django Reinhardt."
*WOODEN MULE JACK: Used for lowering a milling machine to the ground after you have installed a set of Leveling pads 
 with springs, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front of the mill.
*EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2x4: Used for levering a mill upward off a Wooden Mule Jack .
*TWEEZERS: A tool for removing brass splinters.
*PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another wooden mule jack.
*SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for 
 getting dog-doo off your boot.
*E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
*TEN-TON CEILING CRANE: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and 1/4-20 bolts 
  you may have forgotten to disconnect.
*CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large Die Set prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip
  on the end without the handle.
*AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
*TROUBLE LIGHT: The machinist's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, 
 "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found in machine tool cabinets. Health benefits aside, 
 its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say,
  the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge.
  More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
*PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids off of 55 gallon way oil drums and splash oil on your shirt;
  can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
*AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms
  it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty Giddings and Lewis 
 Ballscrew bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Fond du Lac,Wis and rounds them off.
Thanks Archcity.
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## ogberi (May 25, 2016)

You forgot a few:

Coaster:. An expensive set of drawings or irreplaceable book used by visitors of the shop to prevent leaving coffee rings on a worse-for-the-wear workbench.

12 point box end wrench: a tool used primarily to round off bolt heads and cause you to forcefully punch a sadistically placed, sharp metal bracket.

Engine hoist:. Rated at 4000 lbs lifting capacity, it is designed to tip forwards under a load of roughly 1/4 of that.

Rubber mallet: A striking tool that is softer than butter, yet leaves absolutely indelible marks on anything it strikes.

Spade bits: Allegedly a tool to be used in a drill to make holes in wood, but in actuality a sadistic midevel torture device used to sprain wrists without warning.

Angle grinder: A tool designed to cut through anything, provided it is less than the 1/64th of an inch thick, which is the maximum difference in size between a new 4" grinding wheel and the smallest diameter of the right angle drive housing.

Plasma cutter: A metal cutting tool that cuts extremely precise notches and slots in the angle iron you clamped as a guide to the workpiece to be cut.

Flux core gasless wire welder:. A tool that joins two pieces of metal with a weld that has the tensile strength of wet toilet paper, yet deposits splatter on finished surfaces that requires an angle grinder to remove.

Belt sander:. Should always be bought in pairs, so that you and your drunk buddy can race them across the shop floor.. They are also useful for making slightly too thick pieces of wood much too thin.

Arbor press: A shop tool used to firmly wedge the inner race of a bearing onto a shaft, destroying the bearing in the process.

Hydraulic press:. A more powerful version of the arbor press used to crack walnuts, smash random items, and not only wedge a bearing's inner race to the shaft while destroying the bearing, it also bends the shaft.

Brake cleaner: A vicious solvent made to clean baked on cruder from parts, but is primarily used as wasp spray or charcoal lighter.

Brass bristled brush: A non-marking brush designed to pick up steel grit and scratch the crap out of the pristine stainless steel sheet you needed to get some crud off of.

Dykem: A product produced by the most sadistic and douche-baggy of chemists, it has the dual ability to leave an easily removed film on metal, yet is indelible on anything else.

Scraping/spotting paste:. Concentrated Dykem, a blob the size of a pea can be spread to cover the inside of a two car garage without loosing any of the depth of color.  A smudge on your fingertips the size of a pin will spread to cover more than 70% of your body.

Sulphur based cutting oil:. Rumored to be distilled from Satan's sweat, this oil produces a mirror perfect finish on nearly any material.  The downside is that you get spattered with it, and smell like you oiled the hinges of Hell. A condition of using it is that it soaks into your fingers, rendering any hand-held food incapable of not tasting like the devil's sweat.


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## Bob Korves (May 29, 2016)

I thought an air compressor was a device for turning money into obnoxious, mind numbing noise... (?)


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## higgite (May 29, 2016)

Carpenter's hammer: A precision fitted parts assembly tool when not being used to bend nails or smash fingers holding nails soon to be bent.

Tom


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## chips&more (May 29, 2016)

Garage: An area that has sooooooo much crapola (my toys) in it, the spouse does not get any room to park the car in it since day one.


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## jpfabricator (May 30, 2016)

Impact wrench, an accessory of the air compressor, designed to launch "testical or eye seeking" sockets at mach 3 velocitys!

Sent from somewhere in East Texas by Jake Parker!


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## 4GSR (May 30, 2016)

I though box end wrenches were torque multipliers for Allen wrenches...


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