# Heard A Good One Lately ?



## mmcmdl (Feb 26, 2016)

We all need some belly laughs occasionally , so if you have a joke or funny story to share , please do so .

PLEASE NOTE ! This is a worldwide website viewed and enjoyed by ALL ! Keep everything suitable/appropriate for each and every member , visitor or viewer . Please understand this and we can enjoy some humor while also learning the trade we love .


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## T Bredehoft (Feb 26, 2016)

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted.


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## mmcmdl (Feb 26, 2016)

T Bredehoft said:


> Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted.



OMG ...........I said FUNNY !!!! LMAO . That was good start !


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## CluelessNewB (Feb 26, 2016)

Funny Robot Videos:


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## alloy (Feb 26, 2016)

You never really learn to swear until you get a CNC Machine.

After your hands become coated with coolant
your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

(at my work)
Our engineering department said it was an easy part to make.  We just ordered a $58,000 5th axis to make it.


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## TOOLMASTER (Feb 26, 2016)

...........


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## FOMOGO (Feb 26, 2016)

What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?      see below












Damn.


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## Bill Gruby (Feb 26, 2016)

That makes two posts now that I have had to delete. This is not a bar nor a place of work. Off color jokes will be immediately deleted. No notification  will be given. The Original Poster asked you all to keep it clean. Please do as he wishes.

"Billy G"  Global Moderator


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## jpfabricator (Feb 26, 2016)

What do you call a boomerang that wont come back??










Stupid stick!

Sent from somewhere in East Texas Jake Parker


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## Techie1961 (Feb 26, 2016)

Bill Gruby said:


> That makes two posts now that I have had to delete. This is not a bar nor a place of work. Off color jokes will be immediately deleted. Nor notification  will be given. The Original Poster asked you all to keep it clean. Please do as he wishes.
> 
> "Billy G"  Global Moderator


I sincerely apologize. I thought it was a cute joke and not off colour.


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## TOOLMASTER (Feb 26, 2016)

.........


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## kvt (Feb 26, 2016)

What is worse, the virus called Microsoft, or the Antivirus that is on it to get rid of everyone else's virus that's attacking it.


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## hermetic (Feb 27, 2016)

Sorry Bill, genuinely didn't think that anyone would think that was off colour, but if you have had to delete two after only five posts, maybe the bar is a little high?

Phil
UK


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## Bill Gruby (Feb 27, 2016)

I am the middle man here. If a post is reported, and they were, it is up to us to make a decision on that report. They both had vague  sexual content and were deleted for that reason.
 The bar remains where it is. How would you have felt if your young Grand Daughter was reading it over your shoulder unseen? Case closed.

 "Billy G"


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## jpfabricator (Feb 27, 2016)

What do you call a fly with no wings?





A walk.               Bada bumm bum..... stshhhhh!

Sent from somewhere in East Texas Jake Parker


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## jpfabricator (Feb 27, 2016)

I got a boatload of cornny jokes! 
Yall stop me if need be! 

Sent from somewhere in East Texas Jake Parker


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## Ben Nevis (Feb 27, 2016)

I wondered why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger.... then it hit me.


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## CluelessNewB (Feb 27, 2016)

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.


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## Grumpy Gator (Mar 2, 2016)

_Old but true :_
_*God created the dog*


	

		
			
		

		
	
 On the first day, God created the dog and said: “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.” 
The dog said: 
	

		
			
		

		
	



	

		
			
		

		
	
 “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?” 

So God agreed. 
	

		
			
		

		
	




On the second day, God created the monkey and said: “Entertain people, do tricks and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty year life span.” 

The monkey said: 
	

		
			
		

		
	



	

		
			
		

		
	
 “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?” 

And God agreed. 
	

		
			
		

		
	




On the third day, God created the cow and said: “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this I will give you a life span of sixty years.” 

The cow said: 
	

		
			
		

		
	



	

		
			
		

		
	
 “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?” 

And God agreed again.
	

		
			
		

		
	




On the fourth day God created man and said: “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.” 

But man said: 
	

		
			
		

		
	



	

		
			
		

		
	
 “Only twenty years? Could you possible give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay:” 

“Okay,”
	

		
			
		

		
	



	

		
			
		

		
	
 said God, 
	

		
			
		

		
	



	

		
			
		

		
	
 “You asked for it.” 



	

		
			
		

		
	
 So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
	

		
			
		

		
	




Life has now been explained to you.
	

		
			
		

		
	



*G*
_


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## TOOLMASTER (Mar 16, 2016)

..............


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## Grumpy Gator (Mar 17, 2016)

_I found this a few years ago on the net. Enjoy._
_Gripe sheet.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,
and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are
some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots

(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance
engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.


P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
*G*
**************************************
	

		
			
		

		
	



	

		
			
		

		
	
******************************






_


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## ELHEAD (Mar 17, 2016)

Good ole boy speeding  down I-75 in Georgia, trooper pulls him over, asks " Son do you have any ID ?"
Good ole boy asks trooper " Bout what ?"
Should you be from somewhere North of the Mason-Dixon Line you might not understand.


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## higgite (Mar 17, 2016)

A lawyer gets pulled over by the local constabulary for rolling through a stop sign. As the officer is writing the ticket, the lawyer is giving him an earful about what a poor job LEOs do and how he defends “innocent victims” in court everyday from the “Gestapo” cops, yada, yada, yada.

He ends his tirade with, “What’s the big deal anyway? No other cars were even close, so what’s the difference if I stopped or just slowed down?”

The officer, who has behaved most professionally and with admirable patience, hands him his citation and says, “Sir, please step out of the vehicle.”

The lawyer utters some more insults and gets out of the car, at which time the officer pulls out his night stick and starts wailing away on the lawyer. As he is doing so, he asks, “Sir, would you like me to stop or just slow down?”

Tom


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