# Today's Joke - 2023 Mega Thread



## vtcnc

Today's Joke Mega Thread - keep it family friendly and NO POLITICS.

Check our the past Today's Joke Mega Threads - archived by Year 

If you are wondering about our rules, you can check them out here.

Off-topic and posts that violate our rules will be removed without warning. Jokes only, no politics. Please click the report button and let the moderators take care of keeping the thread on track.


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## Eddyde




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## savarin

I was really very shocked when I heard that Dracula passed away at midnight on New Year's. It seemed like there had been a countdown.

I put a pouch full of sugar under my pillow new years eve, I wanted to start my new year with sweet dreams.

I remember last year as if it was only yesterday.

I decided to buy a 4K TV on January 1. That is going to be my resolution for this new year.


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## Marv in Minn

the Minnesota weather forecast for tomorrow looks like one of these days!


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## Just for fun




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## Truckmannorth

.


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## Braeden P




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## RJSakowski

My Dad was never one to tell jokes but here is one of few he did tell.

Lumberjacking in the Wisconsin Northwoods in the 1840's was a hard and risky job.  Lumber camps were situated in the midst of large pine forests and in the winter, the long distances to anything resembling civilization and deep snows meant that the camps were on their own until Spring.

On one of those camps, the cook suddenly took ill and died.  Left without a cook, the lumberjacks decided to draw straws and the short straw was the cook.  To keep things fair, they also decided that the first person to complain became the new cook.  

Lumberjacks have many skills but cooking isn't one.  The meals were so bad that invariably, the first person to take a bite would complain.  Lumberjacks also preferred to being out in the woods, so complaints about the cuisine were not coming as quickly.  One cook had been in the job for several weeks and although there were a lot of grimaces and gritted teeth, no one was complaining.  In desperation, he ventured out and collected up a basket full of moose droppings.  He fried them up with some bacon drippings and served them up for breakfast.  HE stood by the dining room door waiting in anticipation for the first complaint.  As one lumberjack took his first bite, he exclaimed in a loud voice, "moose sh**!  .... but is it good!".


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## Marv in Minn

My Dad grew up in logging camps and told of one old fellow bragging about how good smoking his pipe was,
until someone snuck it, loaded it with rabbit pellets and put it back.


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## homebrewed

My dad claims this is a true story.

When he was 45 years old Dad started working on a new career, Optometry.  To give students some experience working with patients the students performed examinations at the local Masonic Lodge retirement home, and one day Dad came home laughing.  He had visited the retirement home with another fellow Optometrist-to-be, who had tried & tried to perform an examination of one of the resident's eyes, but he just couldn't see anything.  He said something to that effect to the patient, who cackled, "that's not surprising.  It's a glass eye!".


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## FOMOGO




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## FOMOGO




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## FOMOGO




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## FOMOGO




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## pontiac428




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## savarin

I had some shafts come in from a machining vendor. They were oversized, so I returned them to be re-turned and then returned.


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## FOMOGO




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## FOMOGO




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## Ken from ontario




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## BGHansen

One of my dad's was a "legacy" joke from his dad.

My grandfather told my dad that the worst thing about hunting was having 2 cups of coffee in the morning, getting his hunting pants on, then having to try to pull a 2" 'member' out of 3" of clothing.

My dad added to it:  "I fortunately NEVER have to worry about fishing a 2" 'member' out of 3" of clothing.  I wear 1" of clothing.

Bruce


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## pontiac428




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## BGHansen

My dad was known for a few sayings also.

"It takes more of a man to not swear than to swear"
"In a dispute, always try to leave the other person an out with respect"
"Results count, not alibis (boy, did he preach that one to me A LOT)"
"When scrubbing out your toilets, always remember to keep your mouth closed"

Bruce


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## RJSakowski

BGHansen said:


> One of my dad's was a "legacy" joke from his dad.
> 
> My grandfather told my dad that the worst thing about hunting was having 2 cups of coffee in the morning, getting his hunting pants on, then having to try to pull a 2" 'member' out of 3" of clothing.
> 
> My dad added to it:  "I fortunately NEVER have to worry about fishing a 2" 'member' out of 3" of clothing.  I wear 1" of clothing.
> 
> Bruce


We always used a string.      Gotta be thankful for Thinsulate.


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## higgite

RJSakowski said:


> We always used a string.      Gotta be thankful for Thinsulate.


Famous line from George on Seinfeld... "Shrinkage! It's shrinkage!"

Tom


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## RJSakowski

higgite said:


> Famous line from George on Seinfeld... "Shrinkage! It's shrinkage!"
> 
> Tom


That's definitely the case for ice fishing.  Temperature 10ºF, wind 20 mph, wet hands, priceless.


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## WobblyHand

pontiac428 said:


> View attachment 432024
> View attachment 432023


When you take out the blue wrench, you aren't fooling around anymore...  Had to use it more than I would have liked on my car.  The Northeast is hard on cars.


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## pontiac428

I love Venn diagrams...


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## Just for fun

If a milk *Cow* fails to produce Milk, is it an utter failure or a Milk Dud?

Kind of screwed that up..... Corrected my mistake.


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## tjb

Just for fun said:


> If a milk fails to produce Milk, is it an utter failure or a Milk Dud?


Yes.


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## Ken from ontario




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## NCjeeper




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## snoopdog




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## Eddyde

pontiac428 said:


> I love Venn diagrams...
> 
> View attachment 432060


A good example of Correlation does not imply causation.


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## wachuko

snoopdog said:


> View attachment 432094


This reminds me that I still have to put up for sale the HF 9x20  ...


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## WobblyHand

wachuko said:


> This reminds me that I still have to put up for sale the HF 9x20  ...


Everyone should have at least two lathes.    Use one to fix the other one, or for multiple projects.


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## wachuko

BGHansen said:


> My dad was known for a few sayings also.
> 
> "It takes more of a man to not swear than to swear"
> "In a dispute, always try to leave the other person an out with respect"
> "Results count, not alibis (boy, did he preach that one to me A LOT)"
> "When scrubbing out your toilets, always remember to keep your mouth closed"
> 
> Bruce



Oh man... you reminded me of stuff my dad used to say... some are no longer politically correct, but oh well:

"Never take a **** against the wind"
"Nothing holds more than a 2x4 on its side or a woman in bed..."
"If you can't get it at 9pm... try at midnight"
"Nothing good happens after midnight"  - I don't know... this one kind of contradicts the previous one...
"If going on a date, always take a handkerchief" - another one that I never understood...




WobblyHand said:


> Everyone should have at least two lathes.    Use one to fix the other one, or for multiple projects.


Exactly... I currently have three!!  One has to go...


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## savarin

I'm not fat but I thought it would be good to visit the gym but when I tried the rowing machine it sank

I asked my personal trainer which type of machine I should use to make myself more attractive to women? He suggested, the ATM.

It used to be free to fill up your car tires with air, now it costs $1.25. Damned inflation.

I may have the cheapest dough mixing machine but it handles all my needs.


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## FOMOGO




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## FOMOGO




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## FOMOGO




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## FOMOGO




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## RJSakowski

It's a new year.  You need a new calendar.


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## ArmyDoc

wachuko said:


> "Nothing good happens after midnight"


When I used to see trauma in the ED, it always came in late at night.  I used to tell the residents, "See?  This just goes to show:  Nothing good ever happens outside the bedroom after 9PM.  If he'd have been at home in bed, this would have never happened."


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## NCjeeper




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## NCjeeper




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## NCjeeper




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## NCjeeper




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## FOMOGO




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## FOMOGO




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## Ken from ontario




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## brino

Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?


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## savarin

Nah, more like the Antonym I think.


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## Gaffer




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## FOMOGO




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## FOMOGO




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## FOMOGO




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## NCjeeper




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## pontiac428

But... It's a M12x1.25 lug nut... What do you mean make and model?  Probably Dorman or Hilmann from butter steel, knowing you guys.  Forget this, I'm going to Napa to talk to a non-idiot.


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## higgite

NCjeeper said:


> View attachment 432239


Neither front nor rear. It's for the spare. 

Tom


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## WobblyHand

For some vehicles you have to know driver side or passenger side and that also depends on which side of the road one drives on!  RH or LH threads.  How lug nuts got this complicated, I don't know.  Sometimes it is not as simple as M12 x 1.25 RH threads...


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## NCjeeper




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## Aukai




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## ArmyDoc




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## NCjeeper




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## Braeden P

I will stay in 2022 then


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## NCjeeper




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## ArmyDoc

Oh man!  I knew Thursdays pretty bad, but it gets worse!  In just two days it will be a Sadder day...


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## Gnpenning

NCjeeper said:


> View attachment 432280


I had one of those for a barn cat.  It would climb up fence posts to get on someones shoulder just to swat them.  A miracle it lived as long as it did. 

On the plus side I learned to let others stand next to the fence post and patiently wait for the show .


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## FOMOGO




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## FOMOGO




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## FOMOGO




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## FOMOGO




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## higgite

How many times do I have to say it? We need a groan emoji for certain people. You know who you are. 

Tom


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## pontiac428

higgite said:


> How many times do I have to say it? We need a groan emoji for certain people. You know who you are.
> 
> Tom


Take your pick, I know I've earned them plenty.


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## NCjeeper




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## NCjeeper




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## Gaffer




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## Aukai




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## Bone Head

Aukai said:


> View attachment 432366



....or...


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## alloy




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## NCjeeper




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## HBilly1022




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## wachuko

NCjeeper said:


> View attachment 432419


I keep adding that to the list every year…and nothing!!!   I need better friends… cheap basta**s…


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## 682bear




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## 682bear




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## 682bear




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## 682bear




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## pontiac428




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## NCjeeper




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## matthewsx

Some things just gotta be understood.


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## Aukai




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## Aukai




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## brino

okay that took me over a full minute to figure out........ lol
Brian


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## Aukai




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## EricB

matthewsx said:


> Some things just gotta be understood.
> 
> View attachment 432494



But it makes it easier to sell!


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## pontiac428




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## hman




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## WobblyHand

pontiac428 said:


> View attachment 432530


61 years since the Jetson's aired, and still no widespread flying cars.  
If only taps were unbreakable...


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## FOMOGO




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## snoopdog




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## NCjeeper




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## Ken from ontario




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## Richard King 2

I heard this one a couple of days ago. 

"What days of the week are the strongest ones? " 

Saturday and Sunday as they are not on a weakday......lol


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## pontiac428




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## Ken from ontario




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## NCjeeper




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## NCjeeper




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## Gaffer




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## pontiac428




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## NCjeeper




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## NCjeeper




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## FOMOGO




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## FOMOGO




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## FOMOGO




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## FOMOGO




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## ArmyDoc




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## hman

How good it WAS!


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## alloy

I recently spent $6,500 on this registered Black Angus bull.
I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.
I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.
Anyway......I had the Vet come and take a look at him.
He said,, the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
The bull started to service the cows within two days……. all my cows!
He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows!
He's like a machine!
I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ... but they kind of taste like peppermint.


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## NCjeeper




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## Braeden P




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## pontiac428




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## Just for fun




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