# Mothering my mother



## Janderso

Hey all,
I know many of you are in the golden years or lingering around them. Many of you have gone through or are going through what we are dealing with. Dad's gone now.
My mother is 88.
My wife took her to the emergency room last Friday. She lost the ability to walk and was having trouble with her hands and her speech is affected.
Long story short, she is now in a good aggressive rehab. facility near our home.
She is complaining they are working her too hard. She tells my wife one thing and me another.
My wife observed one of her PT sessions. Mom seems to be avoiding doing the work by asking the PT, personal questions. Avoiding the work.

She was living by herself in a nice apartment near us.
I'm not so sure she is going to be able to return.
That just breaks my heart.

She is not a woman that will do well in a skilled nursing home or even a facility where they offer services while she has an apartment.
This is difficult. Fortunately she has a good investment portfolio we can draw from.
Thankfully we have the trust all squared away, I am a co-trustee with power of attorney, health directive agent etc.

Mom always said, when I get too old to live on my own, just take me out fishing and push me in. We always laughed.
I can't do that.


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## DavidR8

I get your situation Jeff. My dad at about the same age was exactly the same. Fiercely independent from the age of 16 after being shipped to Canada from an orphanage in England. Survived the Depression and the Second World War. Wasn't having anything to do with any kind of assisted living, no way no how!


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## Aukai

Maybe suggest that if she wants to be independent, that the PT will keep her out of a care home, or we can just put you in one now. It might let her see the advantages of some exercise. My mother went to a care facility after the hospital perforated her bowel during a colonoscope. She got too weak laying in bed healing.


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## BGHansen

Sorry to hear that Jeff.  My sister and I are dealing with a similar situation with our mom.  She was diagnosed with stage 1 lymphoma on 12/1/2020.  Those who practice medicine can be extremely frustrating to work with.  There are doctors who get A's and doctors who get C's, both end up practicing.  My mom is in a rehab facility with a G-J (gastro jejunum) tube for feeding plus TPN (total parenteal nutrition).  She was doing GREAT a couple of days ago, talked to me for 90 minutes and still had fuel in her tank.  Something went south the last couple of days.

Our thoughts and prayers are with your mom and your family.  I know first hand what runs through your mind.  My sister is retired and has been doing 99% of the work.  I feel guilty I haven't retired to help her out.

Bruce


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## Shootymacshootface

Sorry to hear Jeff_. If she does end up living in a nursing home from here on, make sure you visit as often as possible. The level of care is vastly different when a resident seldom has any visitors. 
Sad but true._


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## tjb

You are not alone.  Here is a great resource:









						Atul Gawande’s ‘Being Mortal’ (Published 2014)
					

Atul Gawande believes that the medical profession’s job is to “enable well-being,” not just strive for survival.




					www.nytimes.com
				




Regards,
Terry


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## C-Bag

I too am sorry to hear it. I know this process all too well.

Lost my mom to a super long protracted bout with lung cancer in the early 90’s. Then around 2k lost 8 relatives and my dog in rapid succession over 2yrs one right after another. 6mo later my FIL. Last May my dad passed. He was gone in about 3wks.

Everybody is different but nobody wants to be in a home. But most folks just can’t do the round the clock care and deal with the grief to do it at home. Especially if you’re still working. It IS a hard place to be.


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## mikey

Tough situation, Jeff. We just went through this with my mother in law. She was fiercely independent but developed pneumonia and had to be hospitalized. We took that opportunity to transition her to an assisted living facility and it was the best thing we could have done. She has a private room, attendants that help her bathe or use the toilet, help brush her teeth, help her dress and just about everything else. They keep her clean and well fed, exercise her as much as she'll tolerate and she has a doctor that sees her monthly. Labs are done on site, along with pedicures and a hairdresser. Bottom line is that she is safe and well cared for.

Just as critical is that her children are not burning out caring for her. She has the resources to fund her care and her children are not fighting about who does what, etc. For us, this is the ideal scenario. You might consider an assisted living facility; if you find the right one, she'll adapt and be safe and surrounded by her peers. Good luck!


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## jbobb1

I know your situation very well. It can be tough. My Mom was living alone and driving when she was 90. Had to move her out of her home of 66 years and move to a small apartment. At about 11 months of that, her health took a sharp nose dive and she wound up living with my wife and I for a short time. My wife cared for her and our neighbor who was the same age (that's another story) until her health was too much for my wife to safely handle.


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## kb58

Welcome to the club, and it's a huge club. Reading what others are going through, and have gone through, is a great way to maintain your mental strength, but it won't be easy...


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## Aaron_W

Sorry to hear that, we went through similar with my mother a few years ago but with dementia. She was living on her own but got a bladder infection and had to be admitted to the hospital in 2016. She was never right after that, and could no longer live alone. My brother and I both tried to take her in for a short time, but she was even beyond that. She needed full time supervision and we ended up having to put her into an assisted living place. By the end of 2018 she was gone. It was only 2 years but it felt like 20, not a good time.

The biggest piece of advice I can offer to someone facing a similar situation you have already dealt with. Get the legal documents in order while she can sign them. If we had been able to get her to sign a power of attorney when she was still competent it would have made things so much easier, but things progressed much faster than we expected.



Janderso said:


> Mom always said, when I get too old to live on my own, just take me out fishing and push me in. We always laughed.
> I can't do that.



Not to get dark, but honestly at my lowest point I serious contemplated taking her for a nice drive out to the coast and reenacting the end of Harold and Maude, one of her favorite movies (and mine). I would have had to borrow a Jaguar though, that damn Volvo would have been survivable.

Make sure you take care of yourself and your wife, it can be brutal to become responsible for a parent and watch someone lose their independence.


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## Nutfarmer

We found out it was less expensive to have help come to mom's home until it was to the point she needed 24 hour care. The care home was 9200.00 a month. That can hire quite a bit of help. There does come a time when it does become necessary for a nursing home, but the longer we could keep mom in her own home the better it was for her and cost wise. It's hard. There are no easy answers. If I can be of any help just call.


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## Janderso

Thank you for the kind words.
It is nice to know we aren’t alone.
It must be frightening when we get to that place where we can’t tak care of ourselves anymore.
We penciled out in home care with my financial guy.
That won’t work. A quality independent care facility is our fallback position.
Hopefully she will make some progress this week.
She is just getting weaker every month. Now with this new development.
Looks like our fallback may become reality.


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## tjb

Janderso said:


> A quality independent care facility is our fallback position.


If you haven't already done so, read that book, Jeff, if you get the opportunity.  That is precisely the issue it addresses.

Regards,
Terry


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## matthewsx

90 year old mom i care for in our California home. Im getting a small respite in Michigan the next week or so, a friend of hers is staying there while I’m gone. My wife lives here, but it’s great when she’s out west with us. 

Its not easy but know you have friends here that will listen. One of the best things for me is i have a friend who I walk with often and we can vent about our situation since she has an elderly father and cared for her mom many years.

Having money helps but the hard work is still up to you, take care of yourself and your wife, you’re probably in for a time you never wanted or anticipated, but family is all we have in the end.

Wish her a happy Mother’s Day from all of us. 

John


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## kb58

Me and my siblings have been through all the above, losing our dad to dementia, and now mom's heading the same way. Dementia is a terrible way to go, and for those that are left, it's like watching a loved one slowly drown just out of reach, with no way to help.

I hope that doctor-assisted suicide is a thing for when I get to that point, because the rest home industry is very happy to completely drain all your savings, causing financial grief for the remaining family, and all you get for the money spent, is another few months or a year of misery for everyone involved. Someday medicine will fix dementia, but oh well. If I sound a little cold or callous, yeah, well, the experience makes you that way, frustrated at not being able to fix the problem. Someday there'll be a cure, but not for now.


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## Ulma Doctor

I'm very sorry to hear this news Jeff.

my maternal grandmother had broken her hip in her mid 70's
her hip never healed correctly.
due to proximity, my aunt and uncle took care of her.
they did, as long as possible, but their advancing ages were diminishing the care they could offer
my grandmother ended up in an assisted care facility that had the appearance of pleasant surroundings and a professional staff
for whatever reasons, her heath declined rapidly
in the span of 4 months, it was her time to join those who before us come.

i think about mortality often. my view is of acceptance as a part of this gift we are given.
i too soon, will be dealing with these things.
i'm fortunate that both my parents are in good health, so i don't feel immediate strain.
everyday is a gift, spend them with those you love most.


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## Aukai

I did a 4 month, LOA from work to take care of my mother in law with stomach cancer. Please find ways to care for loved ones that give the care givers a break. Because of my "medical" background I did 24hr care for her in her last months. The CNAs came in a few times a week and did their thing, and I did not realize how it was affecting me. I'm the type of person to put my head down, and get it done. In the end it had a greater impact on me than I ever thought possible. Sorry this is long, but I just want to share, and hopefully get someone to plan ahead, and make sure everyone involved with caregiving something to think about. Don't do it by yourself. 
Jeff I hope your mom gets back her strength, and can still enjoy her independence.


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## Janderso

tjb said:


> If you haven't already done so, read that book, Jeff, if you get the opportunity.  That is precisely the issue it addresses.
> 
> Regards,
> Terry


I just ordered it-Audible. I can listen on the way to and from work!


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## Janderso

Aukai said:


> I did a 4 month, LOA from work to take care of my mother in law with stomach cancer. Please find ways to care for loved ones that give the care givers a break. Because of my "medical" background I did 24hr care for her in her last months. The CNAs came in a few times a week and did their thing, and I did not realize how it was affecting me. I'm the type of person to put my head down, and get it done. In the end it had a greater impact on me than I ever thought possible. Sorry this is long, but I just want to share, and hopefully get someone to plan ahead, and make sure everyone involved with caregiving something to think about. Don't do it by yourself.
> Jeff I hope your mom gets back her strength, and can still enjoy her independence.


Thank you!!


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## Cheeseking

Wow guys. I feel for all of you going through various versions of the same movie with aging parents. My turn is coming very soon as well. Dad passed in2013 and mom is 80 and starting the dementia thing. Nothing officially diagnosed yet but it’s coming. Luckily we sold her home few yrs ago and got rid of 90% of the “stuff”. Now she’s going back and forth between me and my sisters houses. We both have spare rooms so it’s not a problem yet. But we all see the decline in cognitive abilities accelerating and it’s shocking. Ive already had to go get her after getting the call that she somehow drove into the worst area of Chicago got lost and then locks her keys in the car..Like some of you mentioned we have started the process of monitoring her finances, online access, set beneficiaries etc and getting POA set up. 
Sucks getting old. Can’t imagine what our kids will have to deal with all us machine shop guys. 10’s of 1000’s lbs of machines and tools!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## kb58

A friend said that his mom cared for his dad his last year at home, 24/7. He said that in that year, his mom visibly aged about 10 years. Point being, it'll be probably the hardest thing you've ever done, so getting help from others is - in my opinion - not an option past some point, if it's at all financially possible.


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## Aukai

KB, that was the point I was hoping to get across.


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## Just for fun

Jeff,   Sorry to read about your mom,  I have no advice that hasn't already been said. 

Prayers for your family 

Tim


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## pdentrem

Likely all of us will go through this stage of life. 
     Mom was diagnosed with Parkinson in the late 70s. The meds helped for as long as they could, but as time moves on so did the disease. Dad and I took care of her needs and in the last couple years with help from outside nurses on part time basis. She had a big step down at 83 and dementia shortly after that. I was spending 30 hours a week helping out after work and weekends. 
     Dad was going down hill with all the night time needs and just as he mentioned about placement, mom entered hospital with some issues that we could not resolve. Sadly she passed in 2 weeks. 
     Both of us were wiped out. Took both of us months to recover. Dad has not really come back as his health had taken a hit.
      I mention this because, even though mom was home and this was good for her, it took a huge toll on us. We were looking at live in care as it is better for all and really can be not as expensive as LTC homes but dad place was not set up for what care mom would of needed. It is good you have a plan with some options, review as conditions do change which changes the plan.

Pierre


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## RandyWilson

Lots of good stuff in this. Every situation is different. We have been through this twice. The FiL five years ago. And now the MiL passed away this last Thursday. You do what you can with what you have available. You plan ahead based on what info you have, but often conditions change faster than you can execute a plan. I will not go into details of what we did right and wrong, as it does not apply to anyone else. However, I will say this. Do not regret any decision made. This, more than anything else, caused much anguish with my wife when her dad passed.


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## Janderso

Just had our one week team meeting.
Poor old mom. We had a good cry.
When you watch the PT help or teach us how to transfer mom from a walker to the car and she isn’t sure if she is coming or going?
She is not going home.
That breaks my heart.
Maybe I just need another little cry.


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## pdentrem

It is tough. Got a call from my sister. Dad had a fall, but nothing broken. At 90, anything can be a problem.
Pierre


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## Aaron_W

Janderso said:


> Just had our one week team meeting.
> Poor old mom. We had a good cry.
> When you watch the PT help or teach us how to transfer mom from a walker to the car and she isn’t sure if she is coming or going?
> She is not going home.
> That breaks my heart.
> Maybe I just need another little cry.



Sorry to hear that, I was hoping things might start to improve after a few days.


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## Janderso

Mom said today, I think I need to move to an assistive living facility.
I am so glad she made this decision on her own.
Taking the week off to find a new home for mom.


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## pdentrem

That is huge! Trying to move a parent into a home without their wanting to is a major issue. My girlfriend did near 20 years of home visits and seeing how some families dumped their parents into homes was a downer for her.
Pierre


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## DiscoDan

Jeff, the first part of your message talks about your mom being in the hospital and doing rehab. My mom went into the hospital because of back pain and ended up transitioning from the hospital to rehab and never made it out. What I found is that they are so sedentary when they're in these facilities that they may only get out of bed once a day. You just can't keep your muscle tone when you're only getting out of bed once a day. It's imperative that they get more exercise than they want to give them. Because once you've lost muscle tone it is super difficult to get it back. My dad and I were both around and I thought we were being good advocates for her but the system just makes it extremely difficult to do. You have to be watching every minute when you're there. My brother and father went in one day and my mom was unresponsive and almost died at the rehab facility. Needless to say she didn't go back to that place. But she went to another place and never made it out of there either. I was just thankful to have seen her earlier the day that she ended up passing. Best of luck to you my friend

Dan


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## DavidR8

That is a real blessing Jeff. 
My mom also realized that she could no longer care for herself. 
All the kids breathed a high sigh of relief. 
We moved her to a facility that was quite lovely, and was in my brother’s commute. He saw her twice a day every day for at least two years.


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## Janderso

We have three facilities we are looking at today.
She has $2,000 a month SS and a sizable investment portfolio.
I guess mom is going to nibble away at my inheritance.Good for you mom!


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## matthewsx

Best to you and mom. What @DavidR8 said about visits will make all the difference for your mom.

John


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## Janderso

Four is a charm.
No place is perfect, but we found a good place close to us.
$5,750 a month. 
She has a one bedroom unit with a small living area, refrigerator and dinette.
All her meals and needs will be included.
I slept ****ty last night with all the things to do.
She has a two bedroom apartment full to the gills with her stuff.
Our boys are going to help on Friday to move what little she needs to make it her new downsized home.
The rest? What a PITA


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## Janderso

You know, we have a lot to be thankful for.
I see these patients in the rehabilitation hospital, some young with some pretty severe physical and neurological limitations.
I am once again reminded to take every day as a blessing. Our world can change so fast.
Mom says to me, boy, I'm doing a lot better than some of these people!!
At 88 with low functioning kidneys, just had a stroke, needs help going to the toilet but yeah, she is right.


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## Janderso

DiscoDan said:


> transitioning from the hospital to rehab and never made it out


We got lucky, the local hospital rehab dept. accepted her. They usually only accept those they feel they can help. She has two PT, OT and speech therapy sessions per day. 45 minutes each.
They work her like a dog.


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## kb58

Our situation is different in that mom insisted that she could continue to live alone at home, but facts said otherwise. Not bathing in over a month, never changing her clothes, and eating poorly. It became gallows humor to ask how she'd been eating, because we knew that she'd always say "Oh yes, I'm eating like a horse", and yet the refrigerator remained nearly untouched. The delusions got to a point though that the writing was on the wall, where she'd be accusing everyone of ridiculous things, but to her were as absolute truths. (I suspect that things get to a point where she is unable to differentiate dreams from reality.)

Anyway, we took her, unknowing, to a home nearly a year ago, and she has no concept of how long she's been there, but keeps asking when she can go home... sigh.

Perhaps the worse of this is that she's become either hard of hearing, or has trouble comprehending what's being said, probably both. Sadly, it effectively cuts her off from being able to converse with others. I remember a blind person saying once that they were glad that they weren't deaf, for the same reasons.


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## Janderso

Oh man, that would be tough. When they just want to go home.
My dad was in a place for memory care. he had a brain tumor that was really messing with his critical thinking.
He just wanted to go home.
It broke my heart. Thankfully he only lived a couple months that way. He caught a cold and died of a heart attack due to his breathing difficulties.


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## DavidR8

I often wonder if at advanced ages your thoughts become how they are if you have a high fever and are delirious.


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## Aukai

I told my mom that she worked hard for her money, and she should use it for herself. I also told her that if she died with a dollar to her name she should fire her accountant for not having spent it all.... 
 I came into this world with nothing, and still have most of it left


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## Suzuki4evr

Janderso said:


> Hey all,
> I know many of you are in the golden years or lingering around them. Many of you have gone through or are going through what we are dealing with. Dad's gone now.
> My mother is 88.
> My wife took her to the emergency room last Friday. She lost the ability to walk and was having trouble with her hands and her speech is affected.
> Long story short, she is now in a good aggressive rehab. facility near our home.
> She is complaining they are working her too hard. She tells my wife one thing and me another.
> My wife observed one of her PT sessions. Mom seems to be avoiding doing the work by asking the PT, personal questions. Avoiding the work.
> 
> She was living by herself in a nice apartment near us.
> I'm not so sure she is going to be able to return.
> That just breaks my heart.
> 
> She is not a woman that will do well in a skilled nursing home or even a facility where they offer services while she has an apartment.
> This is difficult. Fortunately she has a good investment portfolio we can draw from.
> Thankfully we have the trust all squared away, I am a co-trustee with power of attorney, health directive agent etc.
> 
> Mom always said, when I get too old to live on my own, just take me out fishing and push me in. We always laughed.
> I can't do that.


It is sad but true and old age is waiting for us all. Good luck to you and your family


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## Janderso

Aukai said:


> I told my mom that she worked hard for her money, and she should use it for herself. I also told her that if she died with a dollar to her name she should fire her accountant for not having spent it all....
> I came into this world with nothing, and still have most of it left


We have never included inheritance money in our retirement planning.
I am proud of my parents for providing for their long term expenses.
I hope we won’t be a burden to our kids.


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## Janderso

tjb said:


> You are not alone.  Here is a great resource:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Atul Gawande’s ‘Being Mortal’ (Published 2014)
> 
> 
> Atul Gawande believes that the medical profession’s job is to “enable well-being,” not just strive for survival.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> www.nytimes.com
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Regards,
> Terry


tjb,
I just wanted to thank you for recommending this book.
I haven’t finished it yet, but so far I appreciate the valuable insight of the aging process and how we go through it.


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## tjb

Janderso said:


> tjb,
> I just wanted to thank you for recommending this book.
> I haven’t finished it yet, but so far I appreciate the valuable insight of the aging process and how we go through it.


You're welcome, Jeff.  It was a real eye-opener to me as well.  I've been following your progress on this thread, and it sounds like you've worked diligently to choose the optimal facility for your Mom.  You are to be congratulated.

Glad to hear that book is helping you out in this difficult segment of her life.  Clearly, she was a great Mom.  She raised a good son.

Regards,
Terry


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## Janderso

tjb said:


> You're welcome, Jeff.  It was a real eye-opener to me as well.  I've been following your progress on this thread, and it sounds like you've worked diligently to choose the optimal facility for your Mom.  You are to be congratulated.
> 
> Glad to hear that book is helping you out in this difficult segment of her life.  Clearly, she was a great Mom.  She raised a good son.
> 
> Regards,
> Terry


We’ve been working our buts off and have mom’s apartment ready for her arrival on Tuesday.


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## tjb

Janderso said:


> We’ve been working our buts off and have mom’s apartment ready for her arrival on Tuesday.


Wow!  That looks very nice!


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## DavidR8

That looks fantastic Jeff!


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## Papa Charlie

Jeff,
So sorry to hear that you are going through this. I lost my mother to cancer at a relative young age of 74, my dad passed away from meso cancer at 85. Both went fast, it may sound horribly to say, but in both cases, I prayed that it either take them fast or they are cured. I watched my grandmother over decades fight illness and cancer. No way to live. As you and others have said, both my mother and father went through the depression, WWII and my dad fought in Korea. They were loving people but, like most of the era, independant, didn't talk about their feelings much and were the best people I have ever known.

I wish I had something that I could say to you and to all the members here that have, are or will go through this with their parents and older family members. Sadly, I don't have anything profound to share that would help or make you feel any better.

I do have my prayers and good wishes to you and your love ones, along with everyone else here going through this.


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## matthewsx

Janderso said:


> We’ve been working our buts off and have mom’s apartment ready for her arrival on Tuesday.


My wife's Oma had a similar setup in Grand Rapids that served her well for more than a decade. It's nice for older folks to be in a place where there are activities and people they can interact with. That's probably the only thing about having our mother at my house that's sub-optimal since most days she's just sitting here by herself while I'm at work. 

It's nice that things are starting to get back to normal and I've been able to take her to exercise class (outside the past few months) but hopefully the senior center will start having more activities.

Looks like you've gotten the place fixed up and she will be able to call it home....

John


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## Janderso

We pick up my mother today around noon.
She is going to spend her first night in her new smaller digs.
I think I'm more anxious than she is.
She told her sister that she is relieved to not have to try to continue life back at her apartment. It was just too hard to do everything!!
Knowing that helps.
She says things to her sister that she won't tell me.
I must be the enforcer. She knows I just want what's best for her, I want her to be happy.


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## Papa Charlie

Glad to hear your mother is doing better. 
I can understand her desire to be in control of her own life.


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## Janderso

That was tough.
She is wore out. 
I hope she bounces back but, she seems to lose a bit more spunk with each new medical event.
Pretty normal I suppose.
Thank you all for the kind words of support. It means a lot.


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## Janderso

Papa Charlie said:


> I can understand her desire to be in control of her own life.


Don't we all.


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## Janderso

matthewsx said:


> My wife's Oma had a similar setup in Grand Rapids that served her well for more than a decade.


Mom will be broke in about 12 years at $5,750 a month 
Fun Fun


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## pdentrem

Dad is paying about the same, although there are yearly increases and add ons as his capacity is getting less and less.


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## matthewsx

Janderso said:


> Mom will be broke in about 12 years at $5,750 a month
> Fun Fun


That was the good thing about the place my wife's Oma was at. It was run by the Lutheran church and basically you gave up everything (house, investments, etc) but they promised to keep you there no matter how long you lived and the tier that required more care didn't cost extra. 

Her last weeks she was in a shared room that she didn't like much but they did take good care of her (but with lots of oversight from my FIL and his daughters)....

You can worry about year 13 when you get there

John


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## Janderso

Speaking of tiered care.
Her tier 3 may go to 4 if she keeps this up.
She fell 4 times since we moved her in yesterday.
The rehab place did not train on a wheelchair, just a walker.
After the third call last night my wife went to check on her. She fell, hit her head and refused to go for a CT scan.
She was crying and told my wife, I'm afraid they'll kick me out.


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## brino

Jeff,

I have a tear in my eye right now.
It's not fair for her to feel like a burden at her new home.
She needs and deserves to feel welcome and secure!

Do they have the right staff to assess the causes of her falls?
Rugs and flooring transitions can be a problem.
So can simple disorientation, dehydration, medication changes, etc.

I wish you and her all the best!

Brian


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## Janderso

brino said:


> Jeff,
> 
> I have a tear in my eye right now.
> It's not fair for her to feel like a burden at her new home.
> She needs and deserves to feel welcome and secure!
> 
> Do they have the right staff to assess the causes of her falls?
> Rugs and flooring transitions can be a problem.
> So can simple disorientation, dehydration, medication changes, etc.
> 
> I wish you and her all the best!
> 
> Brian


brino,
Come to find out, she was not pushing her button for help. She was trying to do everything herself.
I spoke to the gal that runs the place this morning.
She said she would make a special effort to explain that she can push that button for every little thing she needs. That's why you have it. So we can help you when you need it.
She also said, we aren't going to kick her out!!
They removed the rugs even though mom thought they looked nice. (Women)??
Waiting for a call back from the Post care supervisor to determine what level of strength or function she left and why she doesn't have a wheelchair?
I hate to sound like a mooch but if she is this much of a fall risk, she shouldn't be using a walker.


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## Papa Charlie

Janderso said:


> brino,
> Come to find out, she was not pushing her button for help. She was trying to do everything herself.
> I spoke to the gal that runs the place this morning.
> She said she would make a special effort to explain that she can push that button for every little thing she needs. That's why you have it. So we can help you when you need it.
> She also said, we aren't going to kick her out!!
> They removed the rugs even though mom thought they looked nice. (Women)??
> Waiting for a call back from the Post care supervisor to determine what level of strength or function she left and why she doesn't have a wheelchair?
> I hate to sound like a mooch but if she is this much of a fall risk, she shouldn't be using a walker.



There may be more to this story than has been made available. She no doubt is afraid of going to a more restrictive environment type of facility. So she may be trying to prove that she is more capable than she is. The walker may be the cause or just added to the situation that she is creating. Walking, if she can would be very beneficial to her health so I would say a wheel chair is the last resort.

I hope that she is able to begin to relax and settle in to her new home. I will say my prayers.

She sounds a lot my dad. When I went down to visit him while he was still in the hospital, they were fussing over him so much he finally answered there question of "can I do anything else for you" by responding "Yes, get the hell out of my room, leave me a lone and let me have my breakfast.". While my dad didn't have an issue with them not allowing him to stay, he wanted to go home, he did have an issue with them fussing over him. Hard to deal with for a really independent guy, that helped support his family by collecting whiskey bottles to sell back to boot leggers during the depression and left the military to take care of his mother when my grandfather left.


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## Janderso

Papa Charlie said:


> There may be more to this story than has been made available. She no doubt is afraid of going to a more restrictive environment type of facility. So she may be trying to prove that she is more capable than she is. The walker may be the cause or just added to the situation that she is creating. Walking, if she can would be very beneficial to her health so I would say a wheel chair is the last resort.
> 
> I hope that she is able to begin to relax and settle in to her new home. I will say my prayers.
> 
> She sounds a lot my dad. When I went down to visit him while he was still in the hospital, they were fussing over him so much he finally answered there question of "can I do anything else for you" by responding "Yes, get the hell out of my room, leave me a lone and let me have my breakfast.". While my dad didn't have an issue with them not allowing him to stay, he wanted to go home, he did have an issue with them fussing over him. Hard to deal with for a really independent guy, that helped support his family by collecting whiskey bottles to sell back to boot leggers during the depression and left the military to take care of his mother when my grandfather left.


Your dad sounds like my kind of guy.
I think you're right about her trying to do too much. I think you nailed it.


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## Janderso

Mom, with a walker, walked into her new assisted living apartment a week ago, she sat down and hasn't stood since.
I have to ask myself, is this due to the mental side of her outlook on her place in life or is it due to her physical health? or is it both?
She has gone downhill more and more everyday.
 She has nausea all the time and usually loses her small breakfast. She has blurred vision, she can't focus. She is becoming weaker everyday.
She is confused, has slurred speech and answers questions in one syllable words.
She has fallen several times.
She told my wife, I'm just tired of life, I just want to die.
She told me the same thing.

I know her feelings on end of life and comfort care. The trick is to know when to stop life saving drugs and when to begin comfort care. She also has to qualify for medicare Hospice for them to step in.

The home health social worker is working with her today and we have a hospice medical worker scheduled to interview her.

I did not expect her to go through this the moment she stepped into this new environment. 
We have all her things arranged nicely, she is in her bed.

Tough times for the old gal.

Make sure your kids know your end of life choices.


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## Papa Charlie

Very sorry to hear about your mother. Have you questioned the staff about what medications she is getting and if she has access to them on her own.
Hard to fathom that her health would change so quickly on upon entering her assisted living environment.
I will pray for her and the family. I know this is hard on her, but also the entire family.


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## jbolt

Jeff, just had a chance to read this thread. I am so sorry to hear what your mother and family are going through. Not a part of life any of us look forward to. 

My wife lost her father to brain cancer six months after we got married. Had you not known his situation you would not have known he was sick until the last four weeks, then it took him fast. Very hard to watch. He did radiation to shrink the tumor to try and keep lucid as long as possible but refused chemo as he knew how it can affect your quality of life. My wife and her mother, a retired nurse, took care of him until his passing.

Five years later we packed up all our stuff, put them in storage, rented our house and moved in with her mother to help her as she was dealing with emphysema. Emphysema is a terrible way to exit this world. A long slow suffocation. I didn't want to move in but she begged us for a year before we finally did. Mostly due to my wife's older brother who was making her mothers life even more miserable. We didn't really understand what we were getting ourselves into. I was working seven days a week keeping my young business alive and my wife was raising a one year old and caring for her mother. She passed two years later, three months before our second child was born. It was one of the most stressful times of our lives but we have no regrets.

I lost my mother unexpectantly five years ago one month short of her 82nd birthday. She had a heart condition but seemed to be managing it well with medication, was active and full of life. I had an unusually long and wonderful conversation with her a few days before. She passed quietly one evening while reading her bible. Her mother had dementia and she had always been terrified it would happen to her. While we miss her dearly I take comfort that she did not suffer.

Now my grandfather on my dads side had a hard life, worked everyday of his life from the time he was a child, had a fox farm, ran cattle, grew potatoes, beans and hay, was the county water master and owned a tavern in a mostly Mormon community. Outlived my grandmother and a second wife. He didn't drink but his third wife was a professional chain smoker so he might have well been a smoker himself. Ate all the wrong things and didn't take the greatest of care of himself. In his 92nd year, half blind but still driving a ratty 30 year old Datsun pickup, came home one day and announced to his wife that he had sold the tavern and the acreage, set her up a trust and said he was done. He passed three weeks later napping in his recliner. My hero.

We miss those we have lost but are grateful for the time we had together.

I hope the best for your mother, you and your family.


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## brino

Janderso said:


> Mom, with a walker, walked into her new assisted living apartment a week ago, she sat down and hasn't stood since.
> I have to ask myself, is this due to the mental side of her outlook on her place in life or is it due to her physical health? or is it both?
> She has gone downhill more and more everyday.



The problem is a little "chicken and egg"....... is she deteriorating more rapidly because she's there, or is she there because she's deteriorating more rapidly?

I hope everything stabilizes and you can enjoy some more quality time together.

Brian


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## Janderso

jbolt said:


> Jeff, just had a chance to read this thread. I am so sorry to hear what your mother and family are going through. Not a part of life any of us look forward to.
> 
> My wife lost her father to brain cancer six months after we got married. Had you not known his situation you would not have known he was sick until the last four weeks, then it took him fast. Very hard to watch. He did radiation to shrink the tumor to try and keep lucid as long as possible but refused chemo as he knew how it can affect your quality of life. My wife and her mother, a retired nurse, took care of him until his passing.
> 
> Five years later we packed up all our stuff, put them in storage, rented our house and moved in with her mother to help her as she was dealing with emphysema. Emphysema is a terrible way to exit this world. A long slow suffocation. I didn't want to move in but she begged us for a year before we finally did. Mostly due to my wife's older brother who was making her mothers life even more miserable. We didn't really understand what we were getting ourselves into. I was working seven days a week keeping my young business alive and my wife was raising a one year old and caring for her mother. She passed two years later, three months before our second child was born. It was one of the most stressful times of our lives but we have no regrets.
> 
> I lost my mother unexpectantly five years ago one month short of her 82nd birthday. She had a heart condition but seemed to be managing it well with medication, was active and full of life. I had an unusually long and wonderful conversation with her a few days before. She passed quietly one evening while reading her bible. Her mother had dementia and she had always been terrified it would happen to her. While we miss her dearly I take comfort that she did not suffer.
> 
> Now my grandfather on my dads side had a hard life, worked everyday of his life from the time he was a child, had a fox farm, ran cattle, grew potatoes, beans and hay, was the county water master and owned a tavern in a mostly Mormon community. Outlived my grandmother and a second wife. He didn't drink but his third wife was a professional chain smoker so he might have well been a smoker himself. Ate all the wrong things and didn't take the greatest of care of himself. In his 92nd year, half blind but still driving a ratty 30 year old Datsun pickup, came home one day and announced to his wife that he had sold the tavern and the acreage, set her up a trust and said he was done. He passed three weeks later napping in his recliner. My hero.
> 
> We miss those we have lost but are grateful for the time we had together.
> 
> I hope the best for your mother, you and your family.


Jbolt,
Dang man,
That’s a tough Few years you had there.
Thank you for your kind and heartfelt thoughts


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## Janderso

Trying to navigate hospice at this point.She needs a doctors referral.
She is tired, she doesn’t want to work hard to stay in assisted living, the choices are, skilled nursing or hospice.
Come on, skilled nursing, how the hell will she get stronger?
She doesn’t want to live!
Difficult times.


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## Papa Charlie

Janderso said:


> Trying to navigate hospice at this point.She needs a doctors referral.
> She is tired, she doesn’t want to work hard to stay in assisted living, the choices are, skilled nursing or hospice.
> Come on, skilled nursing, how the hell will she get stronger?
> She doesn’t want to live!
> Difficult times.


Very sorry to hear this. Very difficult for her and the family. But I can understand her point of view too, quality of life is important and for people who have been independent their entire life, it is hard to just relinquish that freedom to strangers. 
My prayers and good wishes go out to your mom and to your family.


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## pdentrem

My dad is depressed as well recently. 90 years old. See the end of the track coming and mom was the driving force to keep him moving. Now she has been gone since 2013 and we cannot get him to have interest in much. He is on autopilot. 
Pierre


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## Stonebriar

My thoughts are with you Jeff.


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## Aukai

My friends uncle was 113 yo, and still very much with it. My friend made a big deal once about how old he was, and how good he is doing, etc. The uncle told him, "boy being this old is not fun, all my friends are dead, and I don't get to do the things that I like anymore". 
We're here for you....


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## Papa Charlie

Aukai said:


> My friends uncle was 113 yo, and still very much with it. My friend made a big deal once about how old he was, and how good he is doing, etc. The uncle told him, "boy being this old is not fun, all my friends are dead, and I don't get to do the things that I like anymore".
> We're here for you....


My wife's grandmother lived to be 99.5 yo. She out lived 2 husbands and out of 11 children, she outlived all but two, all of her siblings and too many of her family. She was an amazing women who was a real life Rosey the Riveter in the Liberty shipyards in Oakland California during the war. Grew up in a share cropper family in Arkansas and Oklahoma. Also had 10 siblings that lived in a one room, dirt floor cabin and road a mule to school. 

She was an amazing women and I loved her to death. But she confided in me that she was very tired and more over tired of outliving all of her family and friends. 

Sometimes, we want them to stay around forever, not for them, but for us. We often forget what they have and are going through. Not saying that is the case here, but your post got me thinking about Granny. I miss her very much and hope she is young, healthy and with all her loved ones now.


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## DiscoDan

Jeff, have them check her for a urinary tract infection. My mother-in-law who is only in her 70s was having some issues and turns out that it was all caused by a UTI. It can cause some of the same symptoms that it sounds like your mom is having.


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## Janderso

pdentrem said:


> My dad is depressed as well recently. 90 years old. See the end of the track coming and mom was the driving force to keep him moving. Now she has been gone since 2013 and we cannot get him to have interest in much. He is on autopilot.
> Pierre


Pdentrem,
”Failure to thrive”, is a term I have become aware of. “A time to discuss end of life options to prevent needless intervention that may prolong suffering “.

Mom is much better today. The PT came in, my wife got her dressed and helped with makeup and hair.
She is in a much better place mentally.
She said, I wanted to die yesterday but wants to try to get stronger today. Hurrah!!
We will see what tomorrow brings.


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## matthewsx

There will be good days and bad, but each one is precious.


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## brino

Janderso said:


> She is in a much better place mentally.
> She said, I wanted to die yesterday but wants to try to get stronger today. Hurrah!!



.......another tear, but this one with a smile!

Brian


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## Aukai

Another friend of mine had the whole family from abroad home as his mother was terminal, and not expected to go on for too much longer. In the late afternoon Mom got on her good clothes, put flowers in her hair, and announced that it was going to be soon. the family gathered to pay respects, she wanted to take a nap and be left alone in her bedroom, the family was gathered in the living room for an hour or so, and mom comes down the hall, back in her normal house clothes, and exclaimed "I don't think it's going to be now, I'm hungry" LOL.....


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## Buffalo21

It’s not just limited to the elderly, in the last 3 months, my wife has gone from working 40-50 hrs a week, to being basically bed ridden. While the cancer has been physically disabling, the mental though of a second bout of a more severe form of cancer has basically taken the wind completely out of her sails. We have been helping take care of my wife’s mom, now I’ve gone to caring for the wife.

when your growing up, the thought of caring for your parents is a distant thought in the back of your mind, but caring for a child or partner is almost unthinkable. My respect and sympathy goes out to everyone, who cares for their love ones.


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## Papa Charlie

Buffalo21 said:


> It’s not just limited to the elderly, in the last 3 months, my wife has gone from working 40-50 hrs a week, to being basically bed ridden. While the cancer has been physically disabling, the mental though of a second more severe form of cancer has basically taken the wind completely out of her sails. We have been helping take care of my wife’s mom, no I’ve gone to caring for the wife.
> 
> when your growing up, the thought of caring for your parents is a distant thought in the back of your mind, but caring for a child or partner is almost unthinkable. My respect and sympathy goes out to everyone, who cares for their love ones.


My prayers and good wishes to your wife and your family.

Having gone through this with my wife's father, mother and grandmother, I can appreciate how difficult it is to care for a love one day in and day out. We do it because we love them and care, but that does not make it any easier. My wife, because I was working did most (99%) of the work. But it is tasking on everyone. Towards the end of her grandmothers time, my wife would be lucky to get an hour of sleep at any one time. Her grandmother was afraid of being alone and would constantly call my wife to come in and sit with her. Sadly, my wife got little to no help from her siblings.

P.S. I have a lot of respect for caretakers that deal with this on a daily basis.


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## Janderso

My mother is doing very well!
About 3-4 days after she started taking 7.5mg of *Mirtazapine*-Hexal.

"" It's used to treat depression and sometimes obsessive compulsive disorder and anxiety disorders.""

She turned the corner. She had no interest in participating in life anymore. My wife and I discussed this with her doctor. He prescribed a low dose of this medication.
Interestingly enough, it also deals with anxiety and helps with appetite. She is eating again!
She has always been a bit OCD. =Win Win


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## Janderso

Papa Charlie said:


> Sadly, my wife got little to no help from her siblings.


Charlie,
Unfortunately this seems to be the case with many families.
In my case, I have a brother that calls to tell me about his horse, new barn, his wife's new implants (teeth, what else is there?) and never asks about his mother.


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## matthewsx

Janderso said:


> Charlie,
> Unfortunately this seems to be the case with many families.
> In my case, I have a brother that calls to tell me about his horse, new barn, his wife's new implants (teeth, what else is there?) and never asks about his mother.


It is sad, I moved our mother out here from Michigan but my sister only comes by every few months despite living in the same neighborhood. We did have to go through a lengthy process to buy her half of the home we're in, and she may have some lingering issues around our parents divorce but I still don't understand not wanting to be a bigger part of her life.

When our dad was in his final years I came out whenever I could from Michigan and spent time with him even though it was less than comfortable for me. Our relationship wasn't always the greatest but I'm glad I spent the time I did and wouldn't trade it for anything.

John


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