# Do you ever argue with your spouse.



## Janderso (Dec 22, 2018)

Last night we argued.
It was about shop space and my inattenention to anything else.
We are displaced due to the California fire.
For me, a space to create and feel normal again is a big part of my daily thoughts.
Glenda, my wife, lost her home and all her stuff. I lost my shop and all my stuff.
We are still lost, sifting through the mountain of forms and decisions that need to be made.
Today, I am looking at property available to us that has a 20x30’ building I may be able to rent as a shop. 
The property owner is allowing us to park our trailer there rent free.
The location is on the way to and from work. There is a 50 Amp 220 service. If it is a workable space, We may begin to heal.
Wish me luck!


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## Boswell (Dec 22, 2018)

Janderso said:


> Wish me luck!


Good Luck. Sounds like a workable space if you can get it.


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## Ken from ontario (Dec 22, 2018)

You are both frustrated and overwhelmed, you are most likely not the source of the her anger but the only one who could understand and show patience, I'm sure having lost all memories of the old life  must feel like you've lost a part of yourself with the fire, give each other the outlet to express  sadness, , just ride it out.


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## jdedmon91 (Dec 22, 2018)

I can relate it’s have to be a bit overwhelming for both of you to loose your whole life’s memory’s and the little things. It’s a pain to replace a house, and furnishings but it can be done. I had to assist my Mom on repairing her home after a fire. It had to be totally rebuilt from the inside. Trying to get back as close was a challenge because of the memories. That is what your understanding has to kick in. 

We can replace possessions but memories and attachment that was made is hard. I feel for both of you, there is no way any of us can feel the sense of loss your family has lost. 

My sympathies are with you. I’d like to send you a couple of my spill proof oil cups to help you out. PM a mailing address so I can send them. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Ulma Doctor (Dec 22, 2018)

everyone deals with loss in different ways.
whatever feelings you both have, are OK and normal
there is no handbook outlining the proper etiquette on how to act when your life gets flipped upside down.
you deal with tragedy the best way you can

all you can do is break large problems into smaller more manageable issues and deal with them one at a time
count the blessings and know that people care


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## Bob Korves (Dec 22, 2018)

I never argue with my spouse -- never married!

I must admit however, that at 68 years old, my SO and I are planning to get married...  It is OK, I have known her for more than 35 years, and I know exactly what I am getting into.


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## Aukai (Dec 22, 2018)

Hope you can get the space you need, and are able to take it a day at a time. I've had to recover after hurricanes, been through 5 in my life, it's never easy, but you get through it. There's not much choice really, wishing you the very best.


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## projectnut (Dec 22, 2018)

I guess I would look at rebuilding the shop the same way you did when you originally built it up.  I'm betting the original build was done long after all the living quarters were completed and furnished.  When you had spare time and when finances would allow.  

Personally I didn't start to accumulate the bigger machinery until I was about the age you are now.  Until that time (I took an early retirement) I had more responsibilities with work and helping out relatives than I had time to complete.  Granted I did have access to all the machinery I would ever care to use at work, but in reality little time to use them.  Even when I retired it took a couple years to catch up on everything before I could put time into building a shop. 

At this time I would concentrate on getting everything in order as far as a new house and property are concerned.  You already know what you would like, and have a chance to purchase the property and buildings.   Once a bit of that confusion is settled you can put more attention to finding acceptable machinery.  I have always found it's best keep an eye open, but not rush into these kinds of purchases.  Patience and perseverance are the key.


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## FOMOGO (Dec 22, 2018)

Glad to see your starting to bounce back. As said above there is no normal for what you and your wife are going through. Just try to be kind to each other and take one day at a time, and take a little time to celebrate when you scratch something off the list. My wife and I rarely fight, as we have a system that has worked for us for over 30yrs. I tell her exactly what to do, and she does exactly what she wants. Cheers, Mike


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## Aaron_W (Dec 22, 2018)

I've been married for 19 years, we've had an argument or two... 

Most were related to long term stress. Not to go all Dr Phil, but in most cases the arguments and irritation with the other was largely a lack of communication, and not considering the feelings / concerns of the other.

If you've studied any psychology you've probably heard of Maslow's Hierarchy of needs. The short version of the theory is that all of us have a core set of needs to be happy and healthy.




Whether or not you believe in this stuff, you and your wife have had the whole foundation of your pyramid kicked out from under you. It isn't business as normal, and won't be for quite some time. You need to be patient with each other, and go out of your way to make sure you are not ignoring the other. 

You've got your shop to distract you, does your wife have something to help her get her life back in order. Are you guys doing anything as a couple outside of house hunting, a nice dinner out, a movie, bull riding, bungee jumping?  Something fun and completely unrelated to recovering from your losses. I imagine everywhere you look around you there are reminders that make it hard to take a break from the stress and worry.

I don't even play a psychiatrist on TV and I didn't sleep in a Holiday Inn Express last night so take this with a grain of salt. Just some things that have helped when my wife and I were getting on each others nerves.


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## Cadillac (Dec 22, 2018)

Man that’s tuff we’re not in that scenario. One thing I can say only being married for 7yrs is it’s compromises. I have many hobbies I can be busy 247 on all types of stuff. My wife not so. She is self employed and does great but after her fourty she does nothing to relieve herself of day to day. Really no friends other than sons friends moms. I have friends I talk to since high school and hang with.she makes comments about being in the garage every chance I can get. But I fix ALL things that need it from cars to house repairs to her business machines. She does realize that the magic starts with me and I need the time to do it. I will say that a “happy wife is a happy life” and it is so true!
 It sounds like a lot of stress with the fire and relocation which is fully understandable. Maybe take some time and talk to her about her needs and wishes and see what you can do for her. Then go in the shop good luck


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## samstu (Dec 22, 2018)

We lost our Florida place to Irma last year.   Not same situation as you by any means, but lead to frayed nerves, arguments, misunderstanding, lost friends and money.  But the experience has brought us new friends, strengthened our community and offered us a chance to downsize.  18 Months later, a new normal has been established and our relationship and that of neighbors has much improved.  

For me loss of "stuff" was an opportunity to get new stuff.  For my wife, it was much more personal, more akin to loss of a pet or a friend.  She still cries.  Your wife may not bounce back as quickly as you and replacement "stuff" wont replace the other lost "stuff" which she make take very personally.  

I wish you and wife peace and understanding during one of the most difficult situations one will encounter.


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## Janderso (Dec 22, 2018)

I’m listening to Willie Nelson right now. “It’s not something you get over, but it’s something you get through “.
Good job Willie.
Good news,
I took the Honda generator and an angle grinder, cut the side out of the fire safe.
We have our Passports, marriage license, birth Certificates, jewelry, old pictures, diplomas and Morgan’s.
We lost negatives and flash drives.
The shop did not work out. Maybe the next one.
We did look at a 100 year old house, it had a 1,012 square feet with a Mother in law house. Big lot!
Only $449,000.
It’s worth about $320,000.
I’ll pass.


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## westerner (Dec 22, 2018)

Ulma Doctor said:


> there is no handbook outlining the proper etiquette on how to act when your life gets flipped upside down.


It seems to me that you and your wife have weathered this better than many, it not most,  would. MOST CERTAINLY BETTER THAN ME AND MINE


samstu said:


> a new normal has been established


And that is the foundation of your life going forward. You set a fine example for those less challenged


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## westsailpat (Dec 22, 2018)

What a bummer Janderso , i'ts gonna take some time . Stay cool bro .


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## WalterC (Jan 22, 2019)

At 41 years of marriage, we don't call it arguing, we call it reliving old disagreements. Love in a marriage conquers all obstacles, because you get to go through it together. 
 Understanding what she is "really" saying is the key. 
 Being safe and secure in a home and a husband are the two most important things- I make sure my wife has those two.


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## Janderso (Jan 23, 2019)

You are a wise fellow Walter.


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## Tozguy (Jan 23, 2019)

Bob Korves said:


> I never argue with my spouse -- never married!
> 
> I must admit however, that at 68 years old, my SO and I are planning to get married...  It is OK, I have known her for more than 35 years, and I know exactly what I am getting into.



Changing the context can change the game. Look at the initial post again.


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## Tozguy (Jan 23, 2019)

Cadillac said:


> Maybe take some time and talk to her about her needs and wishes and see what you can do for her. Then go in the shop good luck



Wise words Cadilac.

Janderso, The strengths and weaknesses of a relationship show up when it is tested. You have lost a lot but not each other. Reaffirm that you both want to be together in rebuilding (if you do want that) and agree on what you are rebuilding and how. You need each other more than ever now. Give each other space but stay in touch and share your feelings. Look to the long run and things will work out for the best. Meanwhile let your behaviour be attractive for her.

In the 52 years since she chose me I could never be happy if she wasn't. It turned out to be reciprocal. It was not always easy but it was not always easy for her either.


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## Tozguy (Jan 23, 2019)

WalterC said:


> Understanding what she is "really" saying is the key.



So true, takes patience and effort sometimes to get to the bottom of things.


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