# A Man Walks In To An Electronics Shop



## Dawner

A Man walks in to an electronic shop, Eyes white as white,  face was  blacken with soot,  hair is all blown back like he just got off a motorcycle with no helmet  and looking like he might have been caught in a small forest  fire.  An Asked the guy working behind the counter , "Do You have any more 50 Amp fuses?"


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## timvercoe

Self image?  Or have you been following me around?

Tim


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## savarin

I walked into a bar last week,  Jeez it hurt.


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## davidh

years ago i jogged around the corner of a building and turned into a shelf.  it took hours to find me. . .


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## Dawner

A roman walks into a bar holds up two fingers and said give me five beers


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## Dawner

if you like the last one ..
The mailman delivered some photos and left them on my front porch. It took me three hours trying to figure a way out pick them up... It said  DO NOT BEND.


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## Dawner

timvercoe said:


> Self image?  Or have you been following me around?
> 
> Tim


Yeah one year my parents got me a bath tub toy for Christmas , ...it was a toaster!


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## Ben Nevis

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, buddy, why the long face?"

A Buddist walks up to a hot  dog stand and says "Make me one with everything."


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## savarin

A white horse goes into a bar and the barman says "Gee, we've got a drink named after you"
The horse says "What? Eric?"


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## savarin

A blind man walks into a bar, orders a drink and says, "Hey! Does anyone want to hear a blonde joke?" Then the woman next to him taps his shoulder and says, "Listen mister, I'm a bodybuilder, 5 foot 9 of pure muscle, and I'm blonde. The bouncer over there, he's a martial arts expert and his hands are registered as lethal weapons! He's blonde too! And the bartender, she's 6 foot 2, is a roller derby star and is also a blonde! So do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?" To which the blind man replies...
"Well not if I gotta explain it three times!"


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## savarin

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his belt. The bartender asks, "What's that for?" The pirate responds, "Aarrr, I dunno but its driving me nuts".


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## savarin

A hundred kilopascals go into a bar.
Seriously, its true.


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## jim18655

A set of jumper cables walk into a bar and the bartender says "I'll serve you but I don't want you to start anything."

A panda walks into a bar and orders a meal and a beer. When he gets done he starts shooting and walks out of the door. The bartender runs out and asks him why he did that. The panda replies "you knew what I was when you served me." The bartender looks looks in the encyclopedia and finds: Panda -  eats shoots and leaves.


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## MarkStephen

What do you call a cow with no legs? - - - Ground beef!

What do you call a dog with no legs? - - - Doesn't matter, he won't come anyway.


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## RJSakowski

savarin said:


> I walked into a bar last week,  Jeez it hurt.


Not as much as walking into an anvil.  Get the point?


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## Dawner

savarin said:


> A blind man walks into a bar, orders a drink and says, "Hey! Does anyone want to hear a blonde joke?" Then the woman next to him taps his shoulder and says, "Listen mister, I'm a bodybuilder, 5 foot 9 of pure muscle, and I'm blonde. The bouncer over there, he's a martial arts expert and his hands are registered as lethal weapons! He's blonde too! And the bartender, she's 6 foot 2, is a roller derby star and is also a blonde! So do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?" To which the blind man replies...
> "Well not if I gotta explain it three times!"



A blind man walks in to  Kmart with his seeing eye dog. The dog leads the man to the middle of the store. Once there the blind man reaches down and grabs the dog by its tail swings the poor dog over his head. The dog starts barking and growling and yipping creating a scene . The store manager goes to investigate the noise and asks the blind man "Sir Can I Help You ?"   To which The Blind man Replies   "No just Looking around"

not a blond joke.. But this joke was told to me by a blind friend of mine.  It took me about 2 weeks of intense training to tell it with out laughing my ass off.
 By the way do you know how a blond turns the lights out after her first date ?  She Closes the car door.


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## Dawner

savarin said:


> A hundred kilopascals go into a bar.
> Seriously, its true.


Any bar I have ever gone into they all were way over 100 lbs trust me.
(and I've been in a lot of bars)


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## Boswell

There are 10 types of people in the world, those that understand binary, and those that don't.


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## Tony Wells




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## MarkStephen

An elderly gentleman walks across the street from the old folks home into the local bar with a parrot on his shoulder and orders a drink. The bartender serves the guy and asks, here in the world did you get that. The parrot replies,  Oh, just across the street, they have a bunch of 'em.


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## higgite

There’s a knock on the door. The man of the house goes to the door and finds a young blond lady standing there.
Man: “Hi, can I help you?”
Blond: “I’m a student at the community college and I’m looking for odd jobs to help pay tuition.”
Man: “Well, I was going to paint my porch. Do you think you can do that? I already have the paint, brushes, rollers, etc.”
Blond: “Oh, yessir. I’ll do it for $25.”
Man: “Wow! Sure! The paint and stuff is in the garage.”
Man tells wife what just occurred and wife says: “Wow! That’s cheap. Did she notice that the porch wraps around the side of the house?”
Man: “I don’t know, but I’ll tip her anyway.”
Twenty minutes later, the blond rings the door bell again and the man goes to the door.
Blond: “I’m finished.”
Man: “Already?! The whole porch?!”
Blond: “Oh, yes, it was easy. I even put on 2 coats. And, by the way, it’s pronounced Por-sha.”


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## Tony Wells

Now do you want the Rolls done?


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## PatMiles

Why don't cannibals eat clown?
They taste funny.


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## savarin

I went to the Docs last week
He said open you mouth and say ahhhh!
I asked why?
He said "my dogs just died
Then he said stand by the window and stick your tongue out.
Why I asked
I dont like my neighbors was the reply.
I said I've really come here because every time I touch my shoulder it hurts and every time I touch my wrist it hurts and if I press hard on my head the pain is excruciating.
You silly bugger he said you've broken your hand.
Then I told him I cant stop singing the song Delilah.
He said I had Tom Jones syndrome.
I said is it rare?
He said its not unusual


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## Ben Nevis

Did you hear about the man who's left side of his body was crushed in an auto accident?

He's all right now....


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## Dawner

PatMiles said:


> Why don't cannibals eat clown?
> They taste funny.


You know why cannibals don't eat divorced women?
Too bitter


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## higgite

A woman walks into a bar and orders a shot with a beer chaser. The bartender serves her and then says, "You're single, aren't you?" 
Woman says, "Why, yes, I am. You could tell that from what I drink?" 
Bartender says, "No. You're ugly."
----------------------------------------------
Woman walks into a bar with a duck under her arm. Bartender asks, "Where'd you get the dog?"
Woman says, "That's not a dog, it's a duck."
Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."
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Man walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash and asks the bartender, "Do you serve Irishmen?"
Bartender says, "Of course we serve Irishmen! What'll ya have?"
Man says, "I'll have a beer and give my gator an Irishman."


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## Pmedic828

A Cajun farmer goes into a Co-Op and asks for 60 baby chicks.  The person behind the counter tells him that they will be in on Monday.  The Cajun returns on Monday picking up the baby chicks.  On Friday, the same Cajun gentlemen comes back and orders 100 baby chicks.  The Co-Op person says that they will be in on Tuesday.  The gentlemen returns on Tuesday picking up the 100 baby chicks.  The next week, the gentlemen returns and orders 200 baby chicks.  He states that he will pick them up toward the latter part of the week.  
When the gentlemen returns to pick up his chicks, the Co-Op manager makes the comment to the Cajun, you must have a good chicken farm.  Looking perplexed, the Cajun tells the manager that he really has a problem and he is not sure what is the problem.  When the manager of the Co-Op asks the old farmer what is the problem the Cajun is having, the Cajun tells him, "I'm really having a problem with the chickens, they just won't grow".  He continues to tell the manager, "I have it narrowed down to 2 problems though, I don't know if I am planting them too close, or too deep!"


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## mws

Since Elmo was mentioned  I have to share this:  My boys received a Tickle Me Elmo for Christmas one year. After a month or so it went silent, which frankly wasn't such a bad thing for Mom and I, so we left it that way.  But he still shook vigorously as he should, so we named him Epileptic Elmo instead.


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## Dawner

What stands on a ladder and goes "Snap Crackle Pop"  An apprentice electrician


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## VaBob

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?


Dam!


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## awander

A dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Can a talking dog get a drink in this bar?"

Th bartender looks at him for a scond, then gestures and says, "Sure! The men's room is in the back...."


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## Dawner

Pmedic828 said:


> A Cajun farmer goes into a Co-Op and asks for 60 baby chicks.  The person behind the counter tells him that they will be in on Monday.  The Cajun returns on Monday picking up the baby chicks.  On Friday, the same Cajun gentlemen comes back and orders 100 baby chicks.  The Co-Op person says that they will be in on Tuesday.  The gentlemen returns on Tuesday picking up the 100 baby chicks.  The next week, the gentlemen returns and orders 200 baby chicks.  He states that he will pick them up toward the latter part of the week.
> When the gentlemen returns to pick up his chicks, the Co-Op manager makes the comment to the Cajun, you must have a good chicken farm.  Looking perplexed, the Cajun tells the manager that he really has a problem and he is not sure what is the problem.  When the manager of the Co-Op asks the old farmer what is the problem the Cajun is having, the Cajun tells him, "I'm really having a problem with the chickens, they just won't grow".  He continues to tell the manager, "I have it narrowed down to 2 problems though, I don't know if I am planting them too close, or too deep!"



I've got the attention span of a gnat. When I tell a long jokes make me sound "more stupider normal" so stay away from them I'm more of a hit and run punster. I like your joke but I'll never remember it. 

What do you call the "Drummer" in a rock & roll band, if he doesn't have a girlfriend?
Homeless!

Where do watermelons go on vacation?
John Cougars Meloncamp


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## cathead

Two vehicles meet in the center of a one lane bridge in North Dakota.  
One fellow jumps from his vehicle and hollers:  I NEVER BACK UP FOR FOOLS!
The other fellow responds: I ALWAYS DO!


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## jpfabricator

What do you call a fly with no wings?







A walk.
Sent from somewhere in East Texas Jake Parker


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## Dawner

A man walks into a diner and sits at the counter and ordered a "Bowl of chilli and a cup of coffee. please"from the waitress.  The waitress said "I'm so sorry sir, but the gentleman beside you just got the last bowl, you still want the coffee?"  The man replied" yeah." While sipping on his coffee he noticed the other man was reading a newspaper hadn't even touch his Bowl of chilli.   Striking up  a conversation with the man with the chilli "Hey buddy,  I noticed you haven't even touched that chilli would you mind if have it?" To which the man still reading replied  "Yeah sure, help yourself" he replied "Thanks" and slides the chilli over started eating.  While  he was eating about 1/2 way down on this fantastic chilli lifts his spoon up for the last time and found a dead mouse on it.  This caused him to immediately threw up  into the chilli bowl.  The man still reading his newspaper lowers it down a bit, looks over the top and directly at  ill stricken man and said. "Yeah, That's about how far I got too."


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## jpfabricator

What do you call a boomerang that wont come back?





........ another £#¢&in stick!!!!!

Sent from somewhere in East Texas Jake Parker


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## aeroHAWK

When you die, you're dead....
You don't know you're dead....
It only affects the people around you....



Stupid is the same....


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## turnitupper

A horse walks into a bar, the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies "I'm a gelding".


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## Dawner

jpfabricator said:


> another £#¢&in stick



or another "FAILED" version of the new and improved prototype  of the "£#¢&in stick"  
 Buy the way there is a reason  why " WD40 is called WD40"    hint: WD39 didn't make the cut!   You have the internet look it up....  dawner


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## Dawner

Dawner said:


> A man walks into a diner and sits at the counter and ordered a "Bowl of chilli and a cup of coffee. please"from the waitress.  The waitress said "I'm so sorry sir, but the gentleman beside you just got the last bowl, you still want the coffee?"  The man replied" yeah." While sipping on his coffee he noticed the other man was reading a newspaper hadn't even touch his Bowl of chilli.   Striking up  a conversation with the man with the chilli "Hey buddy,  I noticed you haven't even touched that chilli would you mind if have it?" To which the man still reading replied  "Yeah sure, help yourself" he replied "Thanks" and slides the chilli over started eating.  While  he was eating about 1/2 way down on this fantastic chilli lifts his spoon up for the last time and found a dead mouse on it.  This caused him to immediately threw up  into the chilli bowl.  The man still reading his newspaper lowers it down a bit, looks over the top and directly at  ill stricken man and said. "Yeah, That's about how far I got too."



Now damn it, I thought this one was really funny!   guess not ;(


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## Dawner

My photo is not "Photo Shopped" I was  in New Orleans, LA. on vacation.  This was all that remained of this  "Bicycle Crime" at least they still have the lock!!!


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## jpfabricator

Dawner said:


> My photo is not "Photo Shopped" I was  in New Orleans, LA. on vacation.  This was all that remained of this  "Bicycle Crime" at least they still have the lock!!!



What photo?!?!?!?

Sent from somewhere in East Texas Jake Parker


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## turnitupper

A bloke is sitting in a pub having a drink when he sees the barman returning from out the back with a live chook on a plate and sitting them on the end of the bar. After a while he notices that the fowl is dancing! . He thinks "This bird could make me a few quid". When the barman comes over to refill his glass, the punter asks,"How much for the chicken", to witch he replies,"10 Dollars'. The patron slaps $10 on the bar, grabs the bird and leaves. A couple of days later the man returns and says to the barman,"This chicken you sold me is a dud, it won't dance for me!'. The barman replied, "What! for ten bucks you want the electric hotplate as well?".
John.


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## Dawner

jpfabricator said:


> What photo?!?!?!?
> 
> Sent from somewhere in East Texas Jake Parker


The one where the photo of me was suppose to go. 
 And when did they get internet in East Texas ? I guess you learn something new every day


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## jpfabricator

Dawner said:


> The one where the photo of me was suppose to go.
> And when did they get internet in East Texas ? I guess you learn something new every day



They have to ship us internet via truck.

We are so backwoods we dont get Monday night football until Tuesday.

Satelite signals has to be brought in by rail.

I have a cell phone with a rotary dial on it!

What do you get if you squeeze the bull $#1+ out of a Texan?
A man about 3" tall!




Sent from somewhere in East Texas Jake Parker


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## savarin

higgite said:


> Man walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash and asks the bartender, "Do you serve Irishmen?"
> Bartender says, "Of course we serve Irishmen! What'll ya have?"
> Man says, "I'll have a beer and give my gator an Irishman."



After a few more rounds of the same he went back and ordered a whiskey for the road and another Irishman.
The bartender "sorry mate only got a dwarf left, that do?"
Man says " Better not, he gets really vicious on shorts".


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## jpfabricator

A bit tacky but humorus too.
A man told me he walked into the kitchen one morning and found his wife unconscious and not breathing.
 He said "I totally freaked out I did not know what to do? The feeling of helplessness did not last long as I remembered McDonalds serves breakfast till 10:30!"


Sent from somewhere in East Texas Jake Parker


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## Dawner

jpfabricator said:


> They have to ship us internet via truck.
> 
> We are so backwoods we dont get Monday night football until Tuesday.
> 
> Satelite signals has to be brought in by rail.
> 
> I have a cell phone with a rotary dial on it!
> 
> What do you get if you squeeze the bull $#1+ out of a Texan?
> A man about 3" tall!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from somewhere in East Texas Jake Parker



Good Ones ! I will use them all somewhere. 
 Did you here about the Texan who bought some Odor eaters for his boots.
He installed them,  took five steps .... and then disappeared.  
Your turn to pick on someone in California


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## savarin

I found my way to San Jose and went to a wife swapping party.
Picked up an almost new drill press for her.


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## higgite

Another version of:

Last Christmas, I got a new set of golf clubs for my wife. 
Not a bad trade, eh?

Tom


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## jpfabricator

Dawner said:


> Good Ones ! I will use them all somewhere.
> Did you here about the Texan who bought some Odor eaters for his boots.
> He installed them,  took five steps .... and then disappeared.
> Your turn to pick on someone in California



We dont have to pick on people who live in California............because they live in California!

Sent from somewhere in East Texas Jake Parker


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## savarin

I went for a job on a building site.
The foreman stated that he only employed Irish laborers.
I told him I was Irish.
He wanted to know what my name was and when I said Dare he said it didnt sound Irish.
I said if he asked any Irishman on the site he would know me.
He said OK, pick anyone you want.
I went out and shouted up to a tiler on the roof.
"Hey Paddy"
He leant over the edge and shouted back "Hello dere"


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## roadkillbobb




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