# A real heart breaker for me



## Charley Davidson (Jul 24, 2013)

Visiting my parents & helping them get the house ready for sale. My dad has dementia and my mom has a few issues & both in their 80's. 

When Benny & myself went down to their place to pick up a truck the neighbor lady gave me I found 2 tool boxes both machinist boxes. One was the first ever Kennedy tool box I ever bought new and used at my job at Mansfield Aircraft as a mill operator, the second was a tool box my dad has had since I can remember from at least 5 years old. My dad told me to take one home with me and I chose the one he had for years for sentimental reasons and to not let it fall into the wrong hands. I told my dad I wanted the other one too and to not let anything happen to it. On this trip I find the tool box missing from where it was stored and asked my dad about it, he said he never done anything with it. I found it inside his shop & to my horror he had painted it with some flat black & flat red paint, the box was in really great shape before.

The second heart breaker is a neighbor of his gave him an old Gerstner (I believe) that is in really bad shape & had a few machinist tools in it, nothing great but stuff I would love to have & would use. I ask if I can have it (He thinks it's worth $500.00) so of course I can't have it. He keeps telling me I can have anything I want but of course that doesn't include the tool boxes. I would like to have the box and restore it but the tools would be more of a need to me than the box. These are the kind of things that would be nice to pass down to my grandsons and easy items for them to hang on to for years to come.


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## Ulma Doctor (Jul 24, 2013)

Thanks for the story,
i don't know you personally, but if it's any consolation it's a heart breaker for me too.
I wish only the best for you and your family and hope you can pass down the many treasures.

mike)


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## Dave Smith (Jul 24, 2013)

Charley--one thing to maybe help your thinking is this--what your dad has is his and what he does with it is his decision. just because a person gets older doesn't mean someone else should be too concerned about what he is doing with his own stuff. he hangs onto things he feels are valuable in his thinking--that is his right. we all get older someday and we will feel the way we want to about all our possessions--some we will sell, give some to others, and hang onto what we decide to keep----just because we are getting older we will not like others to act like we are doing it the wrong way because of their thinking.--What a person decides to pass down to his children or grandchildren is his or her decision---- not his childrens -----love your parents for what they have already given to you,--not what you still want from them.----remember that maybe your desire to be a good machinist came from your dads hobby.  --Dave  )


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## Rbeckett (Jul 24, 2013)

Charly,
I feel for you and have a similar situation with my father who is well into his 90's.  He is still sharp as a tack, but having mobility issues and getting feebler as time goes by.  Unfortunately I will have to wait till he passes to distribute his tools and other belongings because he too feels they are worth much more than they actually are.  I just accept that to him they are worth that much because of the memories attached to them and will wait till the inevitable and do what is right then.  It is tough to watch a loved one go slowly down and it is heart breaking to remember when they were in the prime and capable of so much stuff when we were just kids.  We looked up to them like they were superman because they could do so much neat stuff.  So, as hard as it is just be patient and wait, time will resolve all of the issues one way or another.  

Bob


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## Charley Davidson (Jul 24, 2013)

Dave Smith said:


> Charley--one thing to maybe help your thinking is this--what your dad has is his and what he does with it is his decision. just because a person gets older doesn't mean someone else should be too concerned about what he is doing with his own stuff. he hangs onto things he feels are valuable in his thinking--that is his right. we all get older someday and we will feel the way we want to about all our possessions--some we will sell, give some to others, and hang onto what we decide to keep----just because we are getting older we will not like others to act like we are doing it the wrong way because of their thinking.--What a person decides to pass down to his children or grandchildren is his or her decision---- not his childrens -----love your parents for what they have already given to you,--not what you still want from them.----remember that maybe your desire to be a good machinist came from your dads hobby.  --Dave  )



I think your taking what I'm saying as I think I deserve my dad's belongings. Not my intent. My parents are selling their home in the mountains of North Carolina because of health issues (Dad has Dementia, Mom has I believe the same & some other physical conditions) they have been selling at auction some of their collections or things they can not keep as they must downsize at a minimum & most likely move into assisted living. There is no way my dad can keep or use these items along with most of the rest. I just don't want to see it go by way of auction for $20. I know my dad needs to be able to tinker somewhere and wherever he & my mom moves to we siblings or myself will make somekind of arangements for that but it will be limited in space and he won't be able to hoard.

My mom has offered us kids to take anything she has before going to auction & told us to take whatever we want in my dads shop (Which I won't do). It all pretty much has to go though.

I have a shop my dad can come visit me for a few days when he wants and can tinker, my brother has a woodshop in his garage Ohio or at least he did that my dad can use anytime he wants and his son-in-law has a home shop he can use to piddle in plus he is an avid carver & retired.


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## DMS (Jul 24, 2013)

My grandmother was like this towards the end of her life. She would "come and go"; some days she didn't even recognize my grandfather. It's hard to give up all your toys, especially when the worlds not making sense. I guess I'd say, having memories of your fathers is good, but keep in mind that your father is not 100%.

You may offer to keep the stuff for him. That way if he visits you to play in your shop, he will have something he remembers, and it will lessen the pain of giving everything up. In any case, my best wishes to you and your folks, it's hard times.


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## Uglydog (Jul 24, 2013)

Charley,
I think I understand....
I have a few of my fathers fewer of my grandfathers tools.
Most are mismatched and tired.
Whenever I pick them up it reminds me that if I am going to attempt a job, it is better to do it right than it is to do it quickly. Moreover, it is even better to enjoy the job for its own sake.
Its a little bit like having them in the shop with me.
Similarly, I have always attempted to teach this to my daughters. 

Daryl
MN


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## rafe (Jul 24, 2013)

Charley, I don't know you but, if your Dad has dementia , listen to your Mom. I don't normally give advice but, if my Dad had had Dementia before he died (fortunately he didn't) and was giving away or selling cheap his collections, possesions or whatever. I do believe I would feel that stepping in would have sat well with his former self....But it's a tough call ....Talk to him when he has a moment of clarity ....Best of luck and regards


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## pdentrem (Jul 24, 2013)

I am in your shoes but it is Mom instead of Dad who has the dementia. Mom ran the house while Dad worked now at 82 Dad has to take over with my help around the house. She is 85, Parkinson with dementia, but wants to run things when she is there. Tough times for anyone in cases like this. 
Pierre


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## Bill Gruby (Jul 24, 2013)

Been there Charlie. Pop was a machinist. Lot's of stuff went for little or nothing when my sisters stepped in. Before I could get there a lot was gone. Dad gave a lot away to. He passed before Mom and she sold a lot for just enough to get by.  My heart goes out to you Bro, it's not easy.

 "Billy G"


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## FanMan (Jul 24, 2013)

My mother in law has Alzheimers and pretty much doesn't recognize anybody any more, but that doesn't matter to anybody here, I mention it only to say I know what it's like to deal with.

My father, OTOH... he passed away a few years ago (cancer, his mind was sharp up to the end).  He wasn't a metalworker, woodworking and R/C modeling was his thing, but he sure was a tool junkie.  When he died (he was always clear that "everything in the shop" should go to me), I filled the largest U-Haul trailer available with all the stuff in his shop.  Lots of the stuff was like old friends, tools I used and remember from my childhood, some were replacements he bought for older tools that he gave me before he died (I think he did that a lot, replace a perfectly good drill or saw just so he could give me the old one), and some stuff was just oddball, stuff he saw somewhere and just bought because it looked cool.  And lots of parts, nuts and bolts, and unfinished projects.

Now I work in my shop, and some days I feel like he's still there with me when I pick up one of his tools.  But I sometimes wish I could ask him, "Hey Dad, what did you have in mind here?" or "What were you going to use this for?"


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## Bob1947 (Jul 25, 2013)

This is a touching post with potent meaning for all us sons.  I vote with "rafe" above on the practical matters you face.  Of course, in your loosing his cherished objects, the objects you wish to also cherish and keep close, you naturally begin to grieve the loss of the man you wish you could hold onto.  It is heartbreaking -- and pretty much universal.


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## Bill C. (Jul 25, 2013)

Charley Davidson said:


> Visiting my parents & helping them get the house ready for sale. My dad has dementia and my mom has a few issues & both in their 80's.
> 
> When Benny & myself went down to their place to pick up a truck the neighbor lady gave me I found 2 tool boxes both machinist boxes. One was the first ever Kennedy tool box I ever bought new and used at my job at Mansfield Aircraft as a mill operator, the second was a tool box my dad has had since I can remember from at least 5 years old. My dad told me to take one home with me and I chose the one he had for years for sentimental reasons and to not let it fall into the wrong hands. I told my dad I wanted the other one too and to not let anything happen to it. On this trip I find the tool box missing from where it was stored and asked my dad about it, he said he never done anything with it. I found it inside his shop & to my horror he had painted it with some flat black & flat red paint, the box was in really great shape before.
> 
> The second heart breaker is a neighbor of his gave him an old Gerstner (I believe) that is in really bad shape & had a few machinist tools in it, nothing great but stuff I would love to have & would use. I ask if I can have it (He thinks it's worth $500.00) so of course I can't have it. He keeps telling me I can have anything I want but of course that doesn't include the tool boxes. I would like to have the box and restore it but the tools would be more of a need to me than the box. These are the kind of things that would be nice to pass down to my grandsons and easy items for them to hang on to for years to come.



Sorry to learn about your parents.  My father had Alzheimer's when he passed away, he was in his 70's. He was a maintenance-man for 30 years. He painted some of his tools as well. Hopefully you can remove the new paint, if not get a can of Kennedy krinkle spray paint.  The Best of Luck to you


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## bcall2043 (Jul 26, 2013)

Charley,

Sorry to hear about your mom and dad. Also sorry we keep missing with the phone calls, I had an idea when I called you but when I got home I proved it was a bad one.

I just returned home from Texas where Judy is dealing with her parents. Her mom is 80 and her dad is 85. Her mom just got out of the hospital Tuesday and was to enter a rehab center for a couple of weeks but refused to stay for the treatments.

Judy's dad has been down sizing his shop, giving some things away at stupid low prices and asking crazy high prices for other things.  Now I learn of you dad and his down sizing and it makes one stop and think about what will happen to our toys when we get older!

Good luck helping with the arrangements.

Benny


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