2017 Archive

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Credit for this one goes to Lou Holtz, not word for word, but best as I can remember it:

Lou came home late one night to find his wife waiting up for him. She immediately commenced to read him the riot act about being out late, not paying enough attention to her, all the usual stuff. He held up his hand, stopping her in mid rant, and said, “It might behoove you to know that I lost you in a poker game tonight.”
She says, “You did what?!”
“I lost you in a poker game. I was low on cash, so I put you up to call the bet and lost. Now you belong to one of my poker buddies.”
She was incredulous. “I don’t believe it! How could you lose me in a poker game?!”
Lou said, “Well, to be honest, it wasn’t easy folding with 4 aces.”

Tom
 
The old sailing ship captain would always wear a red shirt when he went into battle. One day his first mate asked him why a red shirt. The Captain replied "when we fight and I get injured the men don't see me bleeding and they don't worry that we are loosing the battle." The mate thought that was a very good idea.
One day the ship was surrounded by several ships and a battle was imminent. The mate ran to the Captain and told him the were surrounded and would probably be over run and loose. The Captain said "bring me my brown pants."
 
At the doctor's office, Tom was getting a check up. "I have good news and bad news," says the doctor. "The good news is you have 24 hours left to live." Tom replies, "That's the good news?!" Then the doctor says, "The bad news is I should have told you that yesterday."
 
A man applied to the CIA and was called in for an interview. He was told to bring his wife along for a background check. The husband and wife were put in separate rooms. The interview agent told the man he had an extremely important job for him and he would be paid millions if he could do the job, but first he had to pass a test. The man thought for a moment and said "OK." The agent gave him a gun and told him he had to kill his wife. The man again thought for a minute and then went into the room with his wife and closed the door. There were 6 shots and then a terrible commotion from the room. Furniture was thrown and walls were shaking. Finally the man walked out of the room and the agent asked him what happened in there. "Some idiot put blanks in the gun" was his reply.
 
The Doctors at my local hospital have gone on strike.
Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!
 
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Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies.

The undertaker tells the American Diplomats accompanying him, 'You can have him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land for just $100.

The American Diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a few minutes.
They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Donald shipped home.
The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?'
The American Diplomats replied, 'Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk.'
 
Tom was at the hospital visiting with his best friend Larry who was dying. Tom asked, "If there is baseball in heaven will you come back and tell me?" Larry nodded yes just as he passed away. That night while Tom was sleeping, he heard Larry's voice in a dream, "Tom..." "Larry! What is it?!" asked Tom. "I have good news and bad news from heaven." "What's the good news?" "There is baseball in heaven after all, but the bad news is you're pitching on Tuesday."
 
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