2017 Archive

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A man is stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he’s going.
“I’m on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body.”
The policeman asks, “Really? And who’s going to give a lecture at this time of night?”
“My wife”, he replied.
 
A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?" "Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer. "Nope," replied the man. "OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you," said the lawyer. "But it's only $500," replied the man. "Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!"
 
Not sure if this one has been said already but here goes !!

A mushroom walks into a bar , bartender says
"We don't serve your kind here !!"
Mushroom looks at him and says
" but I'm a Fungai "
 
A devout Australian cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a kangaroo walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the kangaroos mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the kangaroo. "Your name is written inside the cover."
 
A guy goes into the Public Service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and you might as well plan on starting at 10:00 am every Day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in You coming in for that."
 
Keep them coming guys, that's the first time I've laughed in quite a few days now. Savarin, I don't know if you make these up, or get them from somewhere else, but they're great. Thanks, Mike
 
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got this from Batman : The Killing Joke

There were two inmates in an Insane Asylum , and one night they decided they didn't want to be in an Insane Asylum anymore so they hatched a plan that night and made it out onto the roof, as they looked out they could see roofs stretching across the city, the one inmate exclaimed " come on we can just across to FREEDOM !!" jumping as he said it , he landed safely on the roof across the way , but the second inmate fearing for his life said " no , I cant make it.. Ill fall !"
"Wait " said the first inmate " I have a flashlight, Ill shine it across to you and you can walk on its beam of light !!!" confused the second inmate said " no , you'll just turn it off while I'm half way across !"
 
ooh ooh here's an old one I have ,

A Blonde is driving down the road and sees another blonde in the middle of a field rowing a boat in the dirt, so she pulls over on the side of the road , gets out and yells " ya know it's blondes like you that make blondes like me look bad "
" and if I could swim , Id go out there and kick your @#$ "
 
There's a blond and a brunette in a car. The brunette is driving while the blonde is in the passenger seat. They're going down a steep hill when the brunette realizes that the brakes don't work. The brunette tells the blonde that the brakes don't work and they will drive off the side of the cliff because they failed to stop. The blonde then replies, "Don't worry! There's a stop sign ahead."
 
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