2017 Archive

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Only the Brits
True life jokes as reported in prominent newspapers.

1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas
bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree that it was rather high
for the time of year. It's possible that Mr. Purdey has been charged for the
gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."
(The Daily Telegraph)

2) Irish police are being handicapped in their search for a stolen van,
because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and
they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

3) A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth, was
rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman
commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".
(The Times)

4) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and
asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied that he was sorry but he
didn't have a gauge with him. If it was any help, however, he said that the
wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)

5) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with
her reminiscences about the German prisoner of war, who was sent each week
to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He
always seemed a nice friendly chap but, when the crocuses came up in the
middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"
(Bournemouth Evening Echo).
 
Prompted by a thread title in the Tool Junkies section ...

Every dog has his day, but a dog with a broken tail has a weekend.
 
Owner of a aircraft manufacturing company stopped by the aircraft testing airfield to check on the newest test pilot.
He asked the supervisor how the new guy was doing. “Terrible! He has already crashed four planes this week!”
Owner replied, “How is this possible? Where did he work before coming here?”
Supervisor said, “He designed Windows software for Microsoft.”
 
A small boy named Gavin lived in the local village . None of his
classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his
teacher, who was always yelling at him
"You are driving me crazy Gavin!!!!!"

One day Gavin's mother came into school to check on how he was doing.
The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a
disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb
boy in her entire teaching career!!!!

The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from the
school & even moved to another town!!!!!

25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio
disease! All the doctors strongly advised her to have an open heart
operation, which only one surgeon could perform......
Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was
successful......

When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor
smiling down at her! She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her
face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him
something but eventually died!

The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong,
when he turned around he saw Gavin , working as a cleaner in the
clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment to connect his vacuum cleaner !!!!!

Don't tell me you thought that Gavin became a doctor!
 
The wife chewed out her husband at the company picnic awhile back.
“Doesn’t it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times?”
“Not a bit,” the husband replied. “I just tell them I’m filling up the plate for you!”
 
Sixteen Logical Reasons Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave lots of things on the floor.
4. Dogs' parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go, instantly, 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. Dogs won't wake you up at night to ask: "If I died, would you get another dog?"
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper sell 'em.
11. When you drop a silent one, dogs don't run around frantically with room spray.
13. Dogs never tell you to stop scratching your balls. Instead, they sit pondering why you don't lick 'em.
14. Dogs will let you put a studded collar on, without calling you a pervert.
15. If a dog smells another dog on you, it won't kick you in the crotch; it just finds it interesting.
16. If a dog runs off and leaves you, it won't take half your stuff.
To verify these statements: Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour.
Then open the door, and observe who's happy to see you!
 
Joe takes his dog into a bar. He says "I will bet anyone here that this dog can talk". One guy says "OK, I'll bet $10 he can't". Before long, everyone in the bar has placed a $10 bet. He tells the dog "OK - say something." The dog just sits there, not making a sound. After a couple of minutes of trying to get the dog to talk,the crowd starts wanting Joe to pay up. Afraid of the angry mob, Joe pays them their bets. Joe takes the dog outside and says "You just cost me $400! Why didn't you say anything? You better have a good excuse or you're not eating for a week! The dog says "Just think how high the odds will be tomorrow night!"
 
One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller; You don't love me any more..."
"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you just cook better now."
 
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