2017 Archive

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A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road, and the car became bogged.

After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.

He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted, and minutes later, the car was free.

The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."

The husband looks around at the fields, incredulously, and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?

"No," the young farmer replied, seriously. "Night is when I put the water in the hole."
 
I see it as a joke, but I will remove it if it bothers you.

"Billy G"
 
A man walks into a pet store and asks, "How much is that parrot in the window?"

The store owner answers, "$1,000."

The man complains bitterly about how expensive that is and eventually the store owner says, "Wait here a minute."

He goes into the back of the store and comes back with another parrot that looks exactly identicle to the one in the window. He says, "You can have this one for $50."

Customer: "I'm no idiot. What is wrong with that parrot that it only costs $50."

Store owner: "Look at his beak. He has a large bump on his beak."

Customer: "What a great deal. I'll just cut that bump off and I'll have a parrot worth $1,000 for only $50."

Store owner: "Wait a minute! Wait a minute!. Parrots have a large blood vein in their beak. If you cut into it, he will bleed to death."

Customer: "No problem. I'm a precision machinist. I'll just shave that bump down to within a thousandth and then I'll have a parrot worth $1,000."

They complete the deal and the machinist walks out of the store with the parrot perched on his arm. It turns out that just next door to the pet store is a second hand store and in the window is a large parrot cage.

When he enters the store to buy the cage the second hand dealer immediately says, "I hate to tell you this buddy, but you got took. That parrot has a bump on his beak."

Machinist: "That's OK. I'll just shave it off."

Dealer: "Parrots have a large blood vessel ... etc. etc."

Machinist: "I'm a precision machinist ... etc. etc."

He buys the cage and goes to a farm supply store to buy some bird feed for his parrot. The feed salesman says, "Buddy, you got took on that parrot! Etc. etc."
.....

The next day the machinist walks into the pet store and says to the owner, "Here is $1,000. Give me that parrot in the window."

Pet store owner: " I remember you. You bought that parrot with the bump on his beak. What happened to that parrot?"

Machinist: "Well, everything was going fine ... until I crushed his head in the vise."
 
An itinerant machinist was working his way across the country. He happened on a farm and thought he would ask the farmer for a some work.

"I'm a down on my luck machinist but I'm pretty handy with tools. Could you give me some work for a few days in exchange for some meals and a little traveling money?"

The farmer said "OK, I've got a mule behind the shed that needs shoes. If you do a good job with the shoeing, I think I can find some work for you. I've got to run into town now but the tools and shoes are in the shed. I'll be back in a couple of hours."

When the farmer got back he went behind the shed to inspect the shoeing job. The shoes were flawless, perfectly fit, and polished to a bright shine to boot. The farmer said "I'm impressed with your work. I don't believe I have ever seen a better shoeing job. I'm sure I can find some work for you. But tell me, why is my mule lying on his back with all four legs in the air?"

The machinist answered "I really don't know. He's been like that ever since I took him out of the vise."
 
Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how the other's husband was doing.
"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"
"Oh dear! I'm so very sorry," replied her friend. "What did you do?"
"Opened a can of peas instead."
 
Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 p.m. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 p.m. news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story of a man preparing to jump off the ledge of a large building. The blonde looked at Bob and said, “Do you think he’ll jump?”
Bob said, “You know, I bet he’ll jump.”
The blonde replied, “Well, I bet he won’t.”
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, “You’re on!” Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob. “Fair’s fair. Here’s your money.”
Bob replied, “I can’t take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 p.m. news, so I knew he would jump.”
The blonde replied, “I did, too, but I didn’t think he’d do it again.”
Bob took the money.
 
A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use (on the average) only 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day.
She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
Looking stunned, he said, "What?"
 
Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under ... you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.
Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street.
"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for tendollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
 
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