• This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn more.
  • Untitled 1

    As promised, a formal announcement has been made regarding recent changes in the administrative staff here at H-M.

    Please take a few moments to go to our home page and review that announcement.

[4]

Today's Joke

[10] Like what you see?
Click here to donate to this forum and upgrade your account!

RandyM

H-M Supporter - Premium Member
Staff member
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
Apr 12, 2011
Messages
1,901
Likes
1,526
The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms and kissed her.

She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said.

"I've never tried to kiss a model before," he swore.

"Really?" she said, softening, "How many models have there been?"

"Four," he replied, "A jug, two apples, and a vase."
 

uncle harry

Active User
Active Member
Joined
Aug 19, 2013
Messages
658
Likes
368
The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms and kissed her.

She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said.

"I've never tried to kiss a model before," he swore.

"Really?" she said, softening, "How many models have there been?"

"Four," he replied, "A jug, two apples, and a vase."
Ah yes models, while working on gaining my degree in Industrial Design in the early 60's @ Layton School of Art (now MIAD), we had co-ed nude model drawing classes. One was as though the Michelan Man's mother, & the other was a semi-anorexic women who was arrested for having a disorderly house. Good thing they don't arrest people for having a disorderly shop !
 

jim18655

Active User
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
Nov 23, 2013
Messages
522
Likes
392
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.


The guy goes into the backyard and sees a
nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.


After the guy recovers from the shock of
hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I
discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.


In no time at all they had me jetting from
country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for
eight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a Bullshitter
. He's never been out of the yard!'
 

jim18655

Active User
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
Nov 23, 2013
Messages
522
Likes
392
Ah yes models, while working on gaining my degree in Industrial Design in the early 60's @ Layton School of Art (now MIAD), we had co-ed nude model drawing classes. One was as though the Michelan Man's mother, & the other was a semi-anorexic women who was arrested for having a disorderly house. Good thing they don't arrest people for having a disorderly shop !
My daughter had a rude awakening when she went to art school in Philadelphia. In walks an older homeless guy and just dropped his robe for drawing class. No warning, no introduction.
 
Last edited:

uncle harry

Active User
Active Member
Joined
Aug 19, 2013
Messages
658
Likes
368
My daughter had a rude awakening when she went to art school in Philadelphia. In walks an older homeless guy and just dropped is robe for drawing class. No warning, no introduction.
Perhaps that model was of similar quality to my experience. Warnings weren't given way back then as well.
 

RandyM

H-M Supporter - Premium Member
Staff member
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
Apr 12, 2011
Messages
1,901
Likes
1,526
A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans to her husband.
The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.
His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying over here and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."
"Well, how long will it take for him to get here," she asks feebly?
"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."
 

RandyM

H-M Supporter - Premium Member
Staff member
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
Apr 12, 2011
Messages
1,901
Likes
1,526
Being a teenager and getting a tattoo seems to go hand and hand these days.
I wasn’t surprised when one of my daughter’s friends showed me a delicate little Japanese symbol on her hip.
“Please don’t tell my parents,” she begged.
“I won’t,” I promised. “You’re 18 now, so I guess it’s your choice.
By the way, what does that stand for?”
“Honesty,” she said.
 

ELHEAD

Active User
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
Feb 13, 2014
Messages
199
Likes
147
Being a teenager and getting a tattoo seems to go hand and hand these days.
I wasn’t surprised when one of my daughter’s friends showed me a delicate little Japanese symbol on her hip.
“Please don’t tell my parents,” she begged.
“I won’t,” I promised. “You’re 18 now, so I guess it’s your choice.
By the way, what does that stand for?”
“Honesty,” she said.
I sure hope remains honest.
 

jim18655

Active User
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
Nov 23, 2013
Messages
522
Likes
392
"Never get a tattoo where the judge can see it" some rock star once said. I whish I could remember who it was. Claims his father told him that.
 

RandyM

H-M Supporter - Premium Member
Staff member
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
Apr 12, 2011
Messages
1,901
Likes
1,526
A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch, he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.
"Mind if I have a few?" he asks.
"No, not at all!" the woman replied.
They chat for an hour and, as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.
"I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts. I really just meant to eat a few."
"Oh, that's all right," the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."
 

RandyM

H-M Supporter - Premium Member
Staff member
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
Apr 12, 2011
Messages
1,901
Likes
1,526
Eighty-year-old Bessie bursts into the recreation room of the retirement home.
She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, “Anyone who can guess what’s in my hand, can take me out to dinner tonight!”
A witty, elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, “An elephant?”
Bessie thinks a minute and replies, “Close enough!”
 

RandyM

H-M Supporter - Premium Member
Staff member
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
Apr 12, 2011
Messages
1,901
Likes
1,526
A man walks into the Friars barbershop, sits down in the chair and the barber asks, “How do you want your haircut?”
The man says, ” I would like the sideburns one high and one low, a few long hairs sticking out of the back and a few chunks on the side and top.”
The barber looks puzzled and says, “I’m not sure I can do that.”
The customer says, “Why not, you did it that way last time.”
 

RandyM

H-M Supporter - Premium Member
Staff member
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
Apr 12, 2011
Messages
1,901
Likes
1,526
The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.

"Need some help?" a secretary asked.

"Yes," he replied. "How does this thing work?"

"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.

"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"
 

RandyM

H-M Supporter - Premium Member
Staff member
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
Apr 12, 2011
Messages
1,901
Likes
1,526
Two hikers were walking through central Pennsylvania when they came upon a 6 foot wide hole in the ground. They figured it must be the opening for a vertical air shaft from an old abandoned coal mine. Curious as to the depth of the hole, the first hiker picked up a nearby rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened... and heard nothing.
The second hiker picked up an even larger rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened... and still heard nothing. Then they both picked up an old railroad tie, dragged it to the edge of the shaft, and hurled it down. Seconds later a dog came running up between the two men and jumped straight into the hole. Bewildered, the two men just looked at each other, trying to figure out why a dog would do such a thing.
Soon a young boy ambled onto the scene and asked if either man had seen a dog around here. The hikers told him about the dog that had just jumped into the hole.
The young boy laughed and said, "That couldn't be my dog. My dog was tied to a railroad tie!"
 

RandyM

H-M Supporter - Premium Member
Staff member
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
Apr 12, 2011
Messages
1,901
Likes
1,526
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
 

RandyM

H-M Supporter - Premium Member
Staff member
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
Apr 12, 2011
Messages
1,901
Likes
1,526
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"
To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"
 

RandyM

H-M Supporter - Premium Member
Staff member
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
Apr 12, 2011
Messages
1,901
Likes
1,526
Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph.
"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do.
"Darn!" cursed the brunette. "Are his flashers on?
The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope....yup....."
 

Groundhog

H-M Supporter - Premium Member
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
Jan 20, 2016
Messages
544
Likes
628
A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, “Are you ready to find Jesus?”

The drunk shouts, “Yes, I am!”

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks, “Brother, have you found Jesus?”

The drunk replies, “No, I haven’t found Jesus.”

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, “Have you found Jesus, brother?”

The drunk answers, “No, I haven’t found Jesus!”

By this time, the preacher is at his wit’s end and dunks the drunk again – but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, “For the love of God, have you found Jesus?!”

The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
 

RandyM

H-M Supporter - Premium Member
Staff member
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
Apr 12, 2011
Messages
1,901
Likes
1,526
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies...
... "You just happened to catch my eye.
 

terrywerm

HM Shop Foreman
Staff member
H-M Supporter - Sustaining Member
Joined
Oct 21, 2012
Messages
3,569
Likes
995
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies...
... "You just happened to catch my eye.
Wah, wah, wah, waaaaaahhhh. :grin:
 

RandyM

H-M Supporter - Premium Member
Staff member
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
Apr 12, 2011
Messages
1,901
Likes
1,526
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, which said: 'Rest in Peace.'
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied:
'Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this - somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying: 'Congratulations on your new location!''
 

RandyM

H-M Supporter - Premium Member
Staff member
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
Apr 12, 2011
Messages
1,901
Likes
1,526
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!
 

Groundhog

H-M Supporter - Premium Member
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
Jan 20, 2016
Messages
544
Likes
628
'They're watch dogs'! . . .
Where is that "groan" button?
 

savarin

Active User
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
Aug 22, 2012
Messages
1,606
Likes
2,093
Grandpa

The Tax Department decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the Tax Office.
The Tax auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his lawyer.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Tax Office finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye..
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the lawyer. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and **** all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
 
[6]
[5] [7]