• This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn more.
  • PLEASE: Read the FORUM RULES BEFORE registering!

Today's Joke

RandyM

Lead Man (Mod)
Staff member
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
Apr 12, 2011
Messages
1,803
Likes
1,346
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp... blah, blah, blah... This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that. How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?
Think of how much concrete... how much steel!! No. Think of another wish."
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women...know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment... to know why they're crying, to know what they really want when they say 'nothing' ... to know how to make them truly happy."
The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"
 

MozamPete

Active User
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
Jun 26, 2014
Messages
500
Likes
800
Not sure where I got this poem, may of been from this forum so apologies if I’m repeating someone else’s post. But it’s good.

The Designer

The designer sat at his drafting board
A wealth of knowledge in his head was stored
Like "What can be done on a radial drill
Or a turret lathe or a vertical mill?"
But above all things a knack he had
Of driving gentle machinists mad.
So he mused as he thoughtfully scratched his bean
"Just how can I make this thing hard to machine?"
If I make this perfect body straight
The job had ought to come out first rate
But would be so easy to turn and bore
That it would never make a machinist sore
So I'll put a compound taper there
And a couple of angles to make them swear
And brass would work for this little gear
But its too damned easy to work I fear
So just to make the machinist squeal
I'll make him mill it from tungsten steel
And I'll put these holes that hold the cap
Down underneath where they can't be tapped
Now if they can make this it'll just be luck
Cause it can't be held by dog or chuck
And it can't be planed and it can't be ground
So I feel my design is unusually sound.
And he shouted in glee, "Success at last!
This goddam thing can't even be cast.',
 

RandyM

Lead Man (Mod)
Staff member
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
Apr 12, 2011
Messages
1,803
Likes
1,346
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
"Well... Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
 

RandyM

Lead Man (Mod)
Staff member
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
Apr 12, 2011
Messages
1,803
Likes
1,346
A woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping center. Her basket was filled with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious that she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for yet another price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked, indignantly, "Well, at this rate, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"

"Don't worry, Ma'am," replied the clerk. "With all that wind kicking up over there and that brand new broom you have in your basket, you'll be home in no time."
 

Reeltor

Active User
Active Member
Joined
Nov 18, 2014
Messages
737
Likes
308
Not sure where I got this poem, may of been from this forum so apologies if I’m repeating someone else’s post. But it’s good.

The Designer

The designer sat at his drafting board
A wealth of knowledge in his head was stored
Like "What can be done on a radial drill
Or a turret lathe or a vertical mill?"
But above all things a knack he had
Of driving gentle machinists mad.
So he mused as he thoughtfully scratched his bean
"Just how can I make this thing hard to machine?"
If I make this perfect body straight
The job had ought to come out first rate
But would be so easy to turn and bore
That it would never make a machinist sore
So I'll put a compound taper there
And a couple of angles to make them swear
And brass would work for this little gear
But its too damned easy to work I fear
So just to make the machinist squeal
I'll make him mill it from tungsten steel
And I'll put these holes that hold the cap
Down underneath where they can't be tapped
Now if they can make this it'll just be luck
Cause it can't be held by dog or chuck
And it can't be planed and it can't be ground
So I feel my design is unusually sound.
And he shouted in glee, "Success at last!
This goddam thing can't even be cast.',

The Poem reminded me of a story that a retired engineer/designer from Lockheed (aircraft) told me. A few years after retirement he went back to visit with his buddies at work. While there a new, wet behind the ears, graduate of Georgia Tech took a phone call from the shop floor. The call got heated and drew everyone's attention. Apparently the foreman on the line called to explain that the part could not be made as drawn with the equipment on-hand. The young engineer yelled into the phone that he'll come down to the line and show how to make the part. Well, the entire design/engineering floor followed the young guy downstairs where all the machinist were gathered around to see how to make this mystery part. The young guy fiddle-farted around for awhile and took some ribbing when he realized that the machinist were right and the part could not be made as drawn!
My retired client thought it was great fun
 

RandyM

Lead Man (Mod)
Staff member
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
Apr 12, 2011
Messages
1,803
Likes
1,346
Bob, a man of few words, had evaded many a marital trap, but was now hopelessly in love with pretty young Sue. Finally he said, "Will you marry me, Sue?"
She smiled and said, "Oh yes, Bob."
There followed a long silence, till Sue said, "Well, say something more, Bob."
And Bob said hollowly, "I think I've said too much as it is."
 

savarin

Active User
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
Aug 22, 2012
Messages
1,562
Likes
1,974
Only the Brits
True life jokes as reported in prominent newspapers.

1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas
bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree that it was rather high
for the time of year. It's possible that Mr. Purdey has been charged for the
gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."
(The Daily Telegraph)

2) Irish police are being handicapped in their search for a stolen van,
because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and
they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

3) A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth, was
rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman
commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".
(The Times)

4) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and
asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied that he was sorry but he
didn't have a gauge with him. If it was any help, however, he said that the
wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)

5) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with
her reminiscences about the German prisoner of war, who was sent each week
to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He
always seemed a nice friendly chap but, when the crocuses came up in the
middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"
(Bournemouth Evening Echo).
 

2volts

H-M Supporter - Premium Member
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
Oct 20, 2014
Messages
99
Likes
301
Prompted by a thread title in the Tool Junkies section ...

Every dog has his day, but a dog with a broken tail has a weekend.
 

RandyM

Lead Man (Mod)
Staff member
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
Apr 12, 2011
Messages
1,803
Likes
1,346
Owner of a aircraft manufacturing company stopped by the aircraft testing airfield to check on the newest test pilot.
He asked the supervisor how the new guy was doing. “Terrible! He has already crashed four planes this week!”
Owner replied, “How is this possible? Where did he work before coming here?”
Supervisor said, “He designed Windows software for Microsoft.”
 

savarin

Active User
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
Aug 22, 2012
Messages
1,562
Likes
1,974
A small boy named Gavin lived in the local village . None of his
classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his
teacher, who was always yelling at him
"You are driving me crazy Gavin!!!!!"

One day Gavin's mother came into school to check on how he was doing.
The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a
disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb
boy in her entire teaching career!!!!

The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from the
school & even moved to another town!!!!!

25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio
disease! All the doctors strongly advised her to have an open heart
operation, which only one surgeon could perform......
Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was
successful......

When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor
smiling down at her! She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her
face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him
something but eventually died!

The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong,
when he turned around he saw Gavin , working as a cleaner in the
clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment to connect his vacuum cleaner !!!!!

Don't tell me you thought that Gavin became a doctor!
 

RandyM

Lead Man (Mod)
Staff member
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
Apr 12, 2011
Messages
1,803
Likes
1,346
The wife chewed out her husband at the company picnic awhile back.
“Doesn’t it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times?”
“Not a bit,” the husband replied. “I just tell them I’m filling up the plate for you!”
 

savarin

Active User
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
Aug 22, 2012
Messages
1,562
Likes
1,974
Sixteen Logical Reasons Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave lots of things on the floor.
4. Dogs' parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go, instantly, 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. Dogs won't wake you up at night to ask: "If I died, would you get another dog?"
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper sell 'em.
11. When you drop a silent one, dogs don't run around frantically with room spray.
13. Dogs never tell you to stop scratching your balls. Instead, they sit pondering why you don't lick 'em.
14. Dogs will let you put a studded collar on, without calling you a pervert.
15. If a dog smells another dog on you, it won't kick you in the crotch; it just finds it interesting.
16. If a dog runs off and leaves you, it won't take half your stuff.
To verify these statements: Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour.
Then open the door, and observe who's happy to see you!
 

.LMS.

Lathe Noob
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
May 11, 2017
Messages
36
Likes
67
Joe takes his dog into a bar. He says "I will bet anyone here that this dog can talk". One guy says "OK, I'll bet $10 he can't". Before long, everyone in the bar has placed a $10 bet. He tells the dog "OK - say something." The dog just sits there, not making a sound. After a couple of minutes of trying to get the dog to talk,the crowd starts wanting Joe to pay up. Afraid of the angry mob, Joe pays them their bets. Joe takes the dog outside and says "You just cost me $400! Why didn't you say anything? You better have a good excuse or you're not eating for a week! The dog says "Just think how high the odds will be tomorrow night!"
 

RandyM

Lead Man (Mod)
Staff member
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
Apr 12, 2011
Messages
1,803
Likes
1,346
One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller; You don't love me any more..."
"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you just cook better now."
 

RandyM

Lead Man (Mod)
Staff member
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
Apr 12, 2011
Messages
1,803
Likes
1,346
A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He asked the guy, “How much money do you make a week?”
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, “I make $400 a week. Why?”
The CEO said,”Wait right here.”
He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, “Here’s four weeks’ pay.
Now GET OUT and don’t come back.”
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked,
“Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?”
From across the room a voice said,
“Sure – he was the Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s and was just waiting to collect the money!”
 

Groundhog

H-M Supporter - Premium Member
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
Jan 20, 2016
Messages
502
Likes
597
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Joey standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque.
It was covered with names and had small United States flags mounted on both sides of it.
The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, “Good morning, Joey.”
“Good morning Father,” he replied, still focused on the plaque. “Father, what is this?”
The pastor said, “Well son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Joey’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, “Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:30?”
 

RandyM

Lead Man (Mod)
Staff member
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
Apr 12, 2011
Messages
1,803
Likes
1,346
After years of working for others and being passed over for promotions, Blonde John and his wife, Blonde Mary, decided to go into business together. After examining the classifieds, they bought a small candy stand, paying thirty cents for each box of candy and then selling it for thirty cents.
At the end of the day they were astonished to find that they had sold every box of candy – yet had exactly as much money as when they started.
“You see?” John snarled at his wife. “I told you we should have bought a larger stand!”
 

savarin

Active User
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
Aug 22, 2012
Messages
1,562
Likes
1,974
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next poop could spell disaster.
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.
 

Ulma Doctor

Infinitely Curious
Active Member
Joined
Feb 2, 2013
Messages
4,295
Likes
3,495
A woman is getting ready to take a bath when the was a knock at the door.
Kay put on a robe, and went to answer to door.
it was her husband Rick's friend Jerry.
Jerry asked if her husband was home, Kay said he was out running errands.
Jerry said, wow- you look amazing, i have always thought you were very beautiful.
i feel real bad, but i gotta tell you that i'd pay $100 to see a hooter.
Kay was shocked, but figured what could it hurt?
instantly, she whipped one out.
thankful, Jerry handed over the $100
then Jerry said, i'll give you another $100 if i could see them both.
Kay figured what the heck and put them both on display
Overjoyed, Jerry handed over another $100 and said thank you, i won't say anything to anyone !
he said that he had to be going, but he really appreciated the show, and then left.
Kay goes back to bathing
a short time later Rick returns home.
Kay said, hey your friend Jerry came over today looking for you.
Rick said good.
did the SOB bring the $200 he owes me???
 
Container Above bottom breadcrumb