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Today's Joke

RandyM

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I was in a couple’s home trying to fix their Internet connection. The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password. “Start with a capital S, then 123,” she shouted back.
We tried S123 several times, but it didn’t work. So we called the wife in. As she input the password, she muttered, “I really don’t know what’s so difficult about typing Start123.”
 

RandyM

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My four year old daughter had a terrible case of the flu, she was achy, had a high fever, and was terribly hoarse. After waiting in the waiting room at the doctor’s office for over an hour we were finally admitted to see the Doctor.

After the usual routine of listening to her breathing and checking her ears, the Doctor looked my daughter in the eye and said, “so what would you say is bothering you the most?”

Without skipping a beat my daughter promptly answered, “Billy, he always breaks my toys!”
 

GoceKU

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One of my job is selling second hand car parts, and i get couple of stupid requests over the phone about once a week, i'll share the one, yesterday i sold an window winder handle for manuel window, i ask all the questions, year, model, number of doors, color of the interior, and i got only one question, is it in good condition and working, i replayed yes excellent cosmetic and working condition, today a college gets an angry customer call requesting the manager and his complaint is: i've changed the handle but the windows still doesn't go up, first question the manager asks what was wrong with the original handle, was it broken, the customer says no it wasn't razing the window, second question who diagnosed that the handle is at fault, the customer answers me, then our part is not defective, and the conversation took more than an hour and the customer still could not understand the he needs an mehanizam not a handle, some people.
 

RandyM

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A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says, "Give me all the money or you're geography!" The puzzled teller replies, "Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'" The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
 

RandyM

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A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."
 

RandyM

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There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.
 

RandyM

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An incompentent counterfeiter spent all day making his funny money. At the end of the day he realizes he spent all his time making $15 bills.

He figures that the only way he's going to get anything from this batch of money, is to find a place where the people aren't too bright and change his phoney money for real cash.

He travels to a small town and walks into a small Mom and Pop grocery store. He goes to the old man behind the counter and asks him, "Do you have change for a $15 bill?"

The old man replies, "I sure do...How would you like that? An eight and a seven or two sixes and a three?"
 

jtrain

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Hey RandyM, I heard one about a guy that swam 3/4 across a lake thought he couldn't make it so he swam back.
 
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RandyM

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A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his fiftieth birthday, so during this party he grabs the mic and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. "I will give anything they desire of mine, to the person who swims across that pool."

So the party continues with no events in the pool, until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened, and in the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the fins come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, wet and soaked!

The millionaire grabs the mic and says, "I am a man of his word, anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?" the millionaire asks.

The guy grabs the mic and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the guy that pushed me in!"
 

silence dogood

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A wealthy rancher from Texas invited his friend from Rhode Island to visit his home. As the Texan was driving his friend down the road. The Rhode Islander mentioned that this was quite a long road. The Texan said that it was his driveway and things are big in Texas. The guest noticed herds of cattle grazing on the land. The Texan said that he was just seeing part of his ranch, which was 50,000 acres. After all things are big in Texas. When they got to the house, it appeared to cover 3 city block. Again the Texan stated that things are big in Texas. When they walked through the house and out on the patio, the guest suddenly fell in the pool screaming, "DON'T FLUSH IT, DON'T FLUSH IT'!!
 

RandyM

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While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days."

Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"

"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.

"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.

The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took the misses to Tucson. For our 50th, I'm thinking about going down there again to pick her up."
 

RandyM

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A young woman brings home her fiancée to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his study for a drink.

"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.

"A Torah scholar. Hmm." the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in as she's accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring such as she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancée.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, honey?"

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
 

jpfabricator

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A man celebrates his 80th birthday at the bar with a scotch and 2 drops of water.
The man to his right offers to buy him a birthday drink, and the birthday boy orders a scotch and 2 drops of water.
Another patron buys him a birthday round, and again he orders a scotch and 2 drops of water.
The bartender is overcome with curiosity and asks why only 2 drops? He replied,"At my age I have learned to hold my liqueur, but holding my water ain't that easy."

Sent from my SM-S320VL using Tapatalk
 

RandyM

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There were two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead."
They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. The bouncer at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."
The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye-dog."
The bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
He answers, "Yes, they're using them now; they're very good and protect me from robbers, too."
The man at the door says, "Come on in."
The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua?????? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"
 

Groundhog

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A blonde goes into a store and sees a shiny object on the shelf.
She asks the clerk, "What is that shiny object?"
The clerk replies, "That is a thermos."
The blonde then asks, "What does it do?"
The clerk responds, "It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold."
The blonde says, "Oh! I could use something like that!! I'll take it!"
The next day, as she walks into work with her new thermos she spots her boss and shows off her shiny new thermos, "I just got this yesterday, isn't it wonderful!
It's a thermos and it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold!"
The boss asks, "And what do you have in it?"
The blonde replies, "Some coffee and a popsicle."
 

RandyM

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The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldn't quite remember it.

She went to the pastor's study and asked for help. The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial.

After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment.Finally he looked serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently.

Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock.

The teacher was amazed. "I'm in awe at your faith, pastor," she said.

"It's really nothing," he answered. "The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling."
 

RandyM

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Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time.The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally,the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper.Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.
The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today.It was you, wasn't it son?"
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."
 

RandyM

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The village blacksmith hired an enthusiastic new apprentice willing to work long, hard hours.
He instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil.
When I nod my head, you hit it with the hammer.”
The apprentice did exactly as he was told, and now he’s the new village blacksmith.
 

brino

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An old woodsman finally decides he's too old to continue cutting his trees with simple axe and saw.

On his next trip to town he finds a new chain-based saw that is advertised to allow one man to cut several cord per day.
He lays out his cash and takes his new saw home.

The following week he is back at the dealer to complain that he was only able to cut 1/2 cord of wood per day with the new saw.
The dealer takes the saw back for an overnight service, promising to investigate.
He cleans the filters and sharpens the blade. He checks the gas and oil and the saw tests fine.

The old man reluctantly tries the saw for another week and never gets beyond his 1/2 cord per day.
He again takes the saw back to the dealer and complains.
The dealer asks him to come out back so they can try the saw together.

On the first pull of the cord the chain saw roars to life........and the old woodsman jumps back and yells "What's that noise?"
 

jtrain

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Two guys go Elk hunting, they park their truck and walk about a quarter mile, see and shoot this big male Elk with a nice big rack of antlers. So they each grab a hind leg and start pulling it back to the truck, but they are having a hard time because the antlers a catching in the under brush. So one suggests that they grab the antlers and pull, what a great idea they thought. After a while one guy says to the other, this is much easier pulling, yeah it sure is, but we are getting farther away from the truck.
 

RandyM

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A wealthy woman is giving a garden party, and several well-to-do guests attend.
While the party ensues, two gardeners are out on the back lawn working.
One guest was watching the gardeners do their thing, and while one gardener was busy weeding, the other jumped up and did graceful swirling dance movements.
Taken by his grace, the guest remarked to the host, 'That man is such a talented dancer, that I would pay him a hundred dollars to demonstrate his dancing before my aerobics class!'
When the host asked the first gardener about such an arrangement, he yelled, 'Hey Fred! Do you think for a hundred dollars you could step on that rake again?'
 

RandyM

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After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, “Mom, I’ve decided to become a priest when I grow up.”“That’s OK with us,” she said, “but what made you decide that?”“Well,” said the little boy, “I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit down and listen.”
 

RandyM

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A biology teacher wished to demonstrate to his students the harmful effects of alcohol on living organisms. For his experiment, he showed them a beaker with pond water in which there was a thriving civilization of worms. When he added some alcohol into the beaker the worms doubled-up and died.
"Now," he said,” what do you learn from this?"
An eager student gave his answer.
"Well the answer is obvious," he said " if you drink alcohol, you'll never have worms."
 

RandyM

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Ways to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer
10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Bubba".
4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.
3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
And, The Number One Way To Tell If A Redneck Has Been Working On A Computer...
The mouse is referred to as a "critter".
 

Bill Gruby

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Ya lost me bub, you say I need an A ( your words ) well there IS one. Besides that it still would need another B. BUBBY is a small BUBBA and I am rather large so it's BUBBA. Ain't I a stinker. ROTFLMAO

"BUBBA"
 
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