2022

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Definitions:

DRILL PRESS: A machine useful for snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flies across the room to dent the freshly painted project you set in the corner where nothing could get to it.


WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers.


ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes.


SKILL SAW: Portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.


BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool used to convert minor touch up jobs into major refinishing jobs.


BAND SAW: A large stationary power tool used primarily to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that fit more easily into the trash.


HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.


AVIATION TIN SNIPS: See hacksaw.


PLIERS: Normally used to round off bolt heads, though also useful in the creation of blood-blisters.


VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to further round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.



OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside wheel hubs while removing bearing races.


TABLE SAW: Stationary power tool useful for testing wall integrity by firing wood projectiles across the room.


HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after brake shoe installation, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.


ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.


DROP LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at at the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells were used during the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.


PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.


STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool usually used to open paint cans, but frequently used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable security screws while butchering your palm.


PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding the clip or bracket you needed to remove.


HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.


HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object you are trying to hit.


BOX CUTTER: Tool used to slice through the contents of cardboard cartons. Also useful for cutting work clothes while in use.


BENCH GRINDER: A motorized tool used for testing the integrity of safety glasses or face shields.

LATHE: A large stationary machine normally used to convert bar stock into scrap.
 
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