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Today's Joke

RandyM

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A married couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party. The conversation turned to Mozart. "Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius!"
The woman, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked casually, "Ah, Mozart. You’re so right. I love him. Only this morning I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to Victoria station."
There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at her. Her husband was mortified. He pulled her away and whispered, "We're leaving right now. Get your coat and let's get out of here."
As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself. Finally his wife turned to him. "You're angry about something."
"Oh really? You noticed?" he sneered. "I've never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No.5 bus to Victoria station? You idiot! Don't you know the No.5 bus doesn't go out to Victoria station?"
 

RandyM

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A man died and went to The Judgment, they told him , “Before you meet with God, I should tell you — we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?”

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!”

“Wow that’s impressive, “When did this happen?”

“About three minutes ago,” came the reply.
 

Groundhog

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A 71 year old man is having a drink in a Chicago bar. Suddenly a gorgeous 19 year old girl enters and sits down a few seats away.

The girl is so attractive that he just can’t take his eyes off her. After a short while the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.

Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone:
“I’ll do anything you’d like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn’t matter how extreme or unusual it is, I’m game. I want 100 dollars, and there’s another condition.”

Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is.
“You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”

The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He then whips out his wallet and puts 10 ten-dollar bills in her outstretched hand.

He then looks her square in the eye, and says slowly and clearly:
“Paint my house.”
 

RandyM

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Listen a job is a job, we all need to find away to put bread on the table don’t we? To make a long story short I’m a telemarketer that’s my job and that’s what I do.

It’s not a job everyone appreciates, but it’s a job I enjoy and am proud of.

The other day I called a house and a real nice lady answered the phone, she was really helpful and friendly, she was the type of lady that helps a telemarketer get through a long day. After some pleasantries I asked if Mr. Smith was in, “I’m sorry”, she answered “I’m afraid he doesn’t live here anymore.”

Now that was a real disappointment being that she was a nice lady and all, but I took it all in a stride, “I’m sorry to hear that ma’am. Do you happen to have his new number.”

“Sure thing!” The woman cheerfully replied, listing off his new number.

I hung up the phone and quickly called the new number and was surprised to hear a recording.

“Thank you for calling Green Acres Cemetery…”
 

jim18655

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A musician walked into a discount guitar store looking for an inexpensive guitar. The salesman showed him an Opporknockity brand guitar. He tuned it, started playing and it was the sweetest sound he ever heard so he bought it. Two week later he returned. The guitar sounded terrible, out of tune, and he couldn't play anything that sounded as good as the first day.
"What's wrong with it?? he asked the salesman that sold it to him.
Salesman replied "Don't you know - Opporknockities only tune once?"
 

.LMS.

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Giuseppe excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.

He says, "Just for fun, Mama, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house, sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.

He then says, "Okay, Mama, guess which one am I going to marry?"

Mama says immediately, "The one on the right."

"That's amazing, Mama. You're right. How did you know?"

Mama replies: "I don't like her!"
 

silence dogood

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Randy. this really happened. I got a telemarker call and the lady said," Hi, I'm Cindy. Would you like to sign up for our get-a-way tours?" I said. "thank you but not at this time since I have not robbed any banks lately". The ten second silence was just precious.
 

RandyM

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Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
 

RandyM

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Randy. this really happened. I got a telemarker call and the lady said," Hi, I'm Cindy. Would you like to sign up for our get-a-way tours?" I said. "thank you but not at this time since I have not robbed any banks lately". The ten second silence was just precious.
Yeah, I like to play with them too. I then like how they think that their time is more precious than yours.

I had one that I baited for an half an hour. She was really mad at the end.
 

uncle harry

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Yeah, I like to play with them too. I then like how they think that their time is more precious than yours.

I had one that I baited for an half an hour. She was really mad at the end.
Back in the mid 60's we had a young encyclopedia salesman explain the merits of ency. Americana for the best part of an hour. After that lengthy spiel I asked him how they compared to ency. Britannica. "Nothing compares to Britannica" was his reply whereupon we showed him our brand new set of Britannica. So much for "I'll only take a few minutes of your time."
 

tq60

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When home improvement calls are received there are 2 ways to get them to hang up.

If you wish to bug them then describe your home as good job for whatever they are selling then to get them upset wait until they talk financing.

Either state your rent bill is too much (renters cannot usually do anything) and or food stamp have not arrived...

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I337Z using Tapatalk
 

GoceKU

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Randy, i've been reading the post of yesterday and today and wanted to add my own about a telemarketer i dated some time ago, i usually don't like talking to telemarketer and more often just say i'm busy please don't bother me again, but one day i had to wait on someone in my car for three hours and got a call on my burn phone so i thought i'll have some fun it will make the waiting less boring, so i started talking, making jokes and after hour and half passed the call got disconnected and i left it at that, a week later a friend wanted to grab coffee and brought with her a friend and the friend started talking about a guy who she talk to thru work and she wanted to meet but she was too shy, i ask her what did you two talk about so he left such an impression and after the second sentence i know that she was the telemarketer i spoke to and the person she was referring was me, i let her finish describing the phone call we had, and tell her do you have the number she said yes, then call him, me and your friend are here for moral support, so she dial my number and when she heard my voice looking me straight in my eyes, her face changed color to red in a second, it took both of them couple of second to realize exactly what happened and we all started laughing, the world is such a small place.
 

silence dogood

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Here's another one with a telemarketer that really happened. This fast talking guy calls me and 10 seconds later in the middle of his spiel he tells me to hold. Yeah, right. Two days later the same guy calls and 8 seconds later, he does the same thing. So I thought, what the he!! I was in the middle of reading so I waited. He came back on, so I said, "hey, hold please" and put the phone down. Five minutes later, pick up the phone and the guy was really holding! So said no, I don't think so. The guy hung up on me. Imagine that.
 

jim18655

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I once went off on a telemarketer and her boss called me a minute later wanting to know what "my problem was." I told him "my problem" was the phone is for my convenience not a way for him to make a living bothering people. He hung up on me - imagine that!
 

ELHEAD

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Not much of a talker on the phone. So telemarketers get little of my time. Life is too short for that non-sense.
Did have one call a few yrs back, that I cut short and hung up on . He calls back almost immediately, dressing me down for being rude. I kept my cool an proceeded to explain to him that he was the one that had, in effect, knocked on my door, and when I opened the door, ( answered the phone), and then told him to leave, (hung up the phone), he was not welcome. So now he has intruded into my home, unwelcomed. I then told him to leave my house immediately.
He couldn't hang up quickly enough.
 

jim18655

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I had a salesman stop at my house once trying to sell me a barbecue service. All the while he talked, my golden retriever was barking at him through the screen door. She was the friendliest dog you could want but he didn't know that. Barking was her way to get attention. I told him I wasn't interested but he kept talking so finally I told him I was giving him 5 seconds to get off the porch before I opened the door. He was gone in 3 when I put my hand on the knob.
 

RJSakowski

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More illogic: I am always right. I thought I was wrong once but I was mistaken.
 

Groundhog

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An Irishman walks into a bar in London, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
“You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it,” the bartender tells him, “and it would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
The Irishman replies, “Well, you see, I ‘ave two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m ‘ere in London. When we all left home, we promised we’d always drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o’me brothers and one for meself.”
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and gives him his three pints.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them all together, one sip each.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”
The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains, “It’s just that me wife ‘ad us join that Baptist Church and I ‘ad to quit drinking. ‘asn’t affected me brothers though.
 

RandyM

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Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people, to remember the same thing.
 

Groundhog

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Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too... I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her... what does she look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall,
with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts.

What does your wife look like?'

To which the old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours."
 

RandyM

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“Hey guys who wants to hear a blonde joke?” Said a blind old man after settling himself down on a stool in the bar. The question was met with dead silent After a few second pause, the bartender walked up to the blind fella and put his face right up to his nose and said in a deep menacing voice. “I’m blond and I don’t appreciate blonde jokes! My wife is right next to me, she’s blonde and she doesn’t either appreciate blonde jokes. And best of all, on your right is a blond bodybuilder who I’m pretty sure doesn’t like blonde jokes either! Would you still like to say that joke?”

“NO WAY!” Said the blind fella, “NOT IF I’M GOING TO HAVE TO EXPLAIN THE JOKE THAT MANY TIMES!
 

RandyM

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During a recent power outage my PC, Laptop, TV, DVD, IPAD, and a new surround sound system were all shut down. Also, my cell phone battery was dead. To make matters worse it was raining and I couldn't play golf.
So I go to the kitchen to make coffee, OOPS, the coffee maker requires power,
so I sit down and talked to my wife for a couple of hours.
You know, she seems like a nice person.
 

12bolts

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George and Mabel have been married for 60 years. Eventually it happens and Mabel passes away. George survives her by a few more years until eventually life catches up with him and he also passes away. Waiting for George at the Pearly Gates is an excited Mabel. "Oh George, she cries out. I've missed you so much! You have to see this place. Its unbelievable! The things we can do together! I've got a big reunion planned for tonight with all our old friends. George looks her in the eye, and says firmly, "It was in the contract, Until death do you part.........."
 
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