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Today's Joke

RandyM

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Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles...' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'
 

RandyM

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In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:
"Will I be acquitted?"
 

silence dogood

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John went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of West Virginia. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.
However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.
John yelled and said, "Grandpa, your dog won't let me get to my car."
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, "Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!!!"
This reminds me of when I was about 10 years old. Some relatives of my mother kept inviting themselves for dinner. After about the fourth evening of this, my dad complained to my mother about this and asked her what they can do about this. The next night my mother made a very nice dinner. The relatives came and ate with us and remarked how wonderful the food was. After every one was done eating, without saying a word, my mother picked up the dishes and put them on the floor for the two dogs, three cats, and a pet rabbet to lick off. Then she calmly put the dishes back in the cabinet. The relatives immediately left after that and never came to dinner again. Right after they left the house, my mother calmly took the dishes out of the cabinet and put them in the dishwasher.
 

CluelessNewB

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This is true!

Last week I had a routine colonoscopy. A few days after the exam I received an email survey from the Gastroenterology office. Two of the questions were:

1) What did you like most about the visit?

2) What did you like least about the visit?
 

RandyM

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A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'
The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'
The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'
The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.' A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, 'Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?'
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison.'
 

GA Gyro

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A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'
The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'
The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'
The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.' A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, 'Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?'
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison.'
This is similar to an old Mark Twain quote...

Woman: If I were married to you, I would put poison in your drink...
Mark Twain: If I were married to you, I would drink it!
 

RandyM

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A minister who was very fond of pure, hot horseradish always kept a bottle of it on his dining room table. Once, at dinner, he offered some to a guest, who took a big spoonful.The guest let out a huge gasp. When he was finally able to speak, he choked out, "I've heard many ministers preach hellfire, but you are the first one I've met who passes out a sample of it."
 

.LMS.

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Words from the Cynical Philosopher (courtesy of Gene Stafford's Yucks list)
  • Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
  • I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
  • When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 percent of their body. Men are so polite that they only look at the covered parts.
  • A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
  • Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
  • America is a country that produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy and people who won’t cross the street to vote.
  • You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.
  • Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
  • My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
  • I think my neighbor is stalking me since he's been Googling my name on hiscomputer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
  • You're not fat, you're just easier to see.
  • If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
  • I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out.” ?
  • I can’t understand why women are okay that JCPenney has an older-women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”
  • My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
  • Denny’s has a slogan: “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks.
  • The pharmacist asked me my birth-date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
  • The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
  • I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
  • Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch.
  • The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T. Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara, and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
 

RandyM

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A company offered tours through the historic district, led by guides dressed in Colonial clothing. While leading a group, one of the guides, tripped and fell, breaking his wrist.
He went to the hospital, and as he sat waiting in the emergency room, a policeman walked by. Doing a double take at him in his 18th-century garb he asked, 'Just how long have you been waiting?'
 

RandyM

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After reading the morning headlines about the recent stock market downturn, a high-powered executive trying to impress a client in his office, flipped on his intercom switch and barked to his secretary, "Miss Hunter, get my broker!"
The client was impressed until he heard the secretary's clear voice saying, "Yes, Sir, stock or pawn?"
 

RandyM

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There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of a sudden he sees a shark in the water, so he starts swimming furiously towards his boat.
As he looks back, he sees the shark turn and head towards him. He's scared to death, and as he sees the jaws of the great white beast open, revealing its horrific teeth, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"
In an instant, time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"
Confused, and knowing he can't lie, the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"
The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracts back into the heavens. The man feels the water move once again.
As the atheist looks back, he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.
Shocked, the man watches as the huge beast closes its eyes, bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food which I am about to receive..."
 

RandyM

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A small town prosecuting barrister called his first witness to the stand in a trial - a attractive middle aged lady. He approached her and asked, "Ms. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "I do know you Mr. Leigh. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defence attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Knowles since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both barristers to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
 

RandyM

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Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: Are you the owner?
The pharmacist answers, Yes.
Jacob: We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?
Pharmacist: Of course we do.
Jacob: How about medicine for circulation?
Pharmacist: All kinds.
Jacob: Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?
Pharmacist: Definitely.
Jacob: How about Viagra?
Pharmacist: Of course.
Jacob: Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?
Pharmacist: Yes, a large variety. The works.
Jacob: What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinsons disease?
Pharmacist: Absolutely.
Jacob: You sell wheelchairs and walkers?
Pharmacist: All speeds and sizes.
Jacob: We would like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.
 

Groundhog

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A man left work one Friday afternoon. Because it was payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and ended up spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally, his wife stopped and simply said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”
To which he replied, “That would be fine with me.”
Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough to where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
 

RandyM

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Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

"Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."

The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.

"Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."
 

RandyM

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A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
 

RandyM

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The Life Cycle of Software
  1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
  2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
  3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.
  4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.
  5. See 3.
  6. See 4.
  7. See 5.
  8. See 6.
  9. See 7.
  10. See 8.
  11. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely pre-mature product announcement based on over-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
  12. Users find 137 new bugs.
  13. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
  14. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
  15. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
  16. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
  17. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires programmer to redo program from scratch.
  18. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
  19. See step 2
 

RandyM

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A laywoman was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking space. Looking up toward heaven, she said, “Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I’ll go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up drinking wine.”Miraculously, a parking space opened up right in front of her destination.The woman looked up to heaven and said, “Never mind, Lord; I found one on my own.”
 

RandyM

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Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And, it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
 

RandyM

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Passing an office building late one night, the blonde saw a sign that read, "Press bell for night watchman."
She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs. The uniformed men proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.
"Well," he snarled, "what do you want?"
"I just wanted to know why you can't ring it yourself."
 
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