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Today's Joke

Groundhog

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Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.
They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.”
They throw the switch and nothing happens. The executioners all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. “I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.”
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”
 

RandyM

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There once was a man who was so proud of the fact that he had six kids that he insisted on calling his wife "mother of six."
His wife hated this name and asked him repeatedly not to call her that, but he was a stubborn man and was very proud that he had six kids.
One evening they were at a dinner party for his company and it was getting close to the time that they should be leaving. The husband yelled from across the room over to his wife, "mother of six, are you ready to go?"
Annoyed with his question, she responded, "In a minute, Father of four."
 

.LMS.

Lathe Noob
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EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 60

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.





After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
 

RandyM

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Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."
"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, getting up from the table and going out the door to the office.
At 10am, the doorbell rang. When the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long-stemmed red roses. At 1pm, a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.
The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. When he did, she exclaimed, "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress! I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"
 

Groundhog

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A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom:
“Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax… OH, MY GOD!”
Silence followed and, after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”
A passenger in business class yelled back, “That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine!”
 

RandyM

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An old man was a witness in a burglary case.

The defense lawyer asked Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"

"Yes," said Sam, "I saw him plainly take the goods."

The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"

"Yes, says Sam. "I saw him do it."

Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam, listen, you are an 80-year-old, and your eyesight is probably bad. Just how far can you see at night?"

Sam says, "I can see the moon. How far is that?"
 

Groundhog

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A man was invited out for a night with “the boys.”
He told his wife that he’d be home by midnight, “Promise!”
The hours passed and the beer went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, he headed home. Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times.
Quickly, he realized his wife would probably wake up, so he cuckooed another nine times.
He was really proud of himself, coming up with such a quick-witted solution, even when completely trashed, to escape a possible conflict.
The next morning his wife asked him what time he got in, and he told her 12 o’clock. She didn’t seem disturbed at all. Whew, the man thought, got away with that one!
She then told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock.
When he asked her why she said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said ‘oh ****,’ cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
 

Groundhog

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Three elderly women are talking about their troubles.
“Sixty is the worst age to be,” said Ruth, the 60-year-old, “You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens.”
“Ah, that’s nothing,” said the 70-year-old, Maxine. “When you’re 70, you don’t have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens.”
“Actually,” said Gilda, the 80-year-old, “Eighty is the worst age of all.”
“Do you have trouble peeing too?” asked Ruth.
“No, I pee every morning at 6 a.m. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all.”
“Do you have trouble with your bowel movements?” Maxine questioned.
“No, I have one every morning at 6:30 a.m,” Gilda responded.
Puzzled with this, Ruth said, “Let’s get this straight. You pee every morning at 6 a.m. and poop every morning at 6:30 a.m. So what’s so tough about being 80?”
“I don’t wake up until 7."
 

RandyM

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Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time.The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally,the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper.Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.
The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today.It was you, wasn't it son?"
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."
 

RandyM

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A very shy guy goes into a pub on Valentine's Day night and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I brought you a drink?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the pub is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table totally red faced.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm really sorry if I embarrassed you just then. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
The man responds, at the top of his lungs, "No I will not pay $200!"
 

RandyM

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Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone.
He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first. One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived.
As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking...
"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million..."
"Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support..."
"Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details..."
This sort of thing went on for almost 5 minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions.
Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man.
"I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"
The man replied "I'm from the phone company...I came to hook up your phone."
 

Groundhog

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A brunette goes into the doctors office and says that her body hurts everywhere that she touches it. "Impossible," the doctor says, 'Show me."
She takes her finger, presses on her elbow and screams in agony. Pushes on her knee and screams, pushes on her ankle and screams; and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain.
"Your not really a brunette are you?" the doctor asks.
"No. I dyed my hair. I'm naturally a blond.".
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
 

Groundhog

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A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place.
The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable for the farmer and his new bride.
While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, “The women would say, ‘What a terrible tragedy,’ and I would nod my head and say ‘Yes, it was.’
The men would ask, ‘Can I borrow that mule?’ and I would shake my head and say, ‘Can’t, it’s all booked up for a year.’”
 

RandyM

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A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.
It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"
The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.
The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came.
I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"
 

RandyM

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One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
 

RandyM

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A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding.“But, Officer,” the man protested, “I can explain.”“Be quiet,” ordered the officer. “You can sit in jail until the chief gets back.”“But, sir, I just wanted to say—““I told you to stay quiet! You’re going to jail!”A couple of hours later the officer checked in on the man and said, “You’re lucky that the chief is at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a great mood when he gets back.”“I doubt that,” answered the prisoner. “I’m the groom.”
 

jim18655

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A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the basement. After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found he husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing.

"Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much.

"Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant, when you were 16? ...And your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?"

"Yes, of course," she replied.

"Well, I would have been released tonight."
 

RandyM

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."
 

.LMS.

Lathe Noob
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Some differences between men and women:

NICKNAMES
  • If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
  • If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

EATING OUT
  • When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
  • When the girls get their bill, outcome the pocket calculators.

MONEY
  • A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
  • A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
  • A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
  • The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
  • A woman has the last word in any argument.
  • Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
  • A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
  • A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE
  • A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
  • A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
  • A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
  • A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
  • Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
  • Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
  • Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
  • A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
 

RandyM

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A bishop, a priest, and a deacon, were about to be executed for preaching the Gospel in a foreign land.They bring out the bishop first and the guard shouts, “Ready… aim…” and suddenly the bishop yells, “EARTHQUAKE!” When everyone looks around, the bishop runs off.Next they bring out the priest. They guard shouts, “Ready… aim…” and suddenly the priest yells, “TORNADO!” When everyone ducks, the priest runs off.By then, of course, the deacon had it figured out. They bring him out and when the guard shouts, “Ready… aim…,” suddenly the deacon yells, “FIRE!”
 
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RandyM

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A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town. While walking through the streets on a quiet Sunday morning, he came upon a large crowd gathered by the side of the road.
Going by instinct, the lawyer figured that there was some sort of auto collision. He was eager to get to the injured parties but couldn't get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."
The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
 

ch2co

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Maybe you have to be an astronomy buff to appreciate this one.

You Might Be The Wife Of An Astronomer, If..........
You use a flashlight around the house at night to prepare for bed instead of turning on the house lights.
You have a hard time trying to find a flashlight without a red filter on it.
You ask your husband daily if he is "going out tonight".
You plan your date nights around the Clear Sky Chart.
You are getting up when your husband is going to bed.
You wake up in the middle of the night to cold knees in your back.
You know the difference between a comet and an asteroid.
You know way more about imaging than you ever wanted to.
Your husband refers to you as his "chief financial officer"
You know the correct use of a dew shield.
You plan your vacations around Star Parties .
You have to get home before dark so the hubby can get set up.
Your house is stocked with blankets and space heaters.
You buy a bigger vehicle even though you aren't planning on any more kids.
You have to figure out where to put the Christmas tree since the only good corner is taken up by his giant Dobsonian. (telescope)
You brag about your husband's 'equipment' and how big his aperture is.
 

RandyM

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A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?"
Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?"
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've a confession to make."
And she says, "So have I, love."
To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."
 

RandyM

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Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him,

"What is three times seven?"

"22," Rick replied.

After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he *knew* he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job.

About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious. The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."
 

higgite

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The consiglieri of a famous mob boss is interviewing applicants to fill the recent suddenly and tragically vacated position of “company” accountant.

He calls the first applicant into his office and asks him, “How much is 23 times 720?” The applicant immediately responds, “16,560.” The consiglieri says, “Thanks for coming in. I’ll get back to you.”

He calls the second applicant in and asks him, “How much is 16,560 divided by 23?” Applicant immediately says, “720.” The consiglieri says, “Thanks for coming in. I’ll get back to you.”

He calls in the next applicant and asks him, “How much is 16,560 divided by 720?” The applicant immediately responds, “How much do you want it to be?” Consiglieri says, “Finally! Someone who understands accounting. You’re hired!”

Tom
 

RandyM

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John went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of West Virginia. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.
However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.
John yelled and said, "Grandpa, your dog won't let me get to my car."
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, "Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!!!"
 

Groundhog

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“Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot.”

Wife’s response: “Who is Tina?”
 
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