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Grumpy Gator
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While searching for some cutting tools for a friend.
*HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive
machined parts not far from the object we are trying to throw at.
*MACHINIST'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door;
works particularly well on boxes containing plastic gallon jugs of coolant or sheets of plexiglass.
*ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it
also works great for drilling Digital readout mounting holes in the table of a milling machine just above the oil line that goes to the Ballscrew.
*HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
*VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat
to the palm of your hand.
*OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting those stale shop cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the
Whitworth socket drawer (what wife would think to look in there?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the
Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.
*ZIPPO LIGHTER: See oxyacetelene torch.
*WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older Cincinnatis and Kearney & Treckers, they are now used mainly for hiding
six-month-old Salems from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.
*DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you
in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the drill and tap chart
over the bench grinder.
*WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light.
Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Django Reinhardt."
*WOODEN MULE JACK: Used for lowering a milling machine to the ground after you have installed a set of Leveling pads
with springs, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front of the mill.
*EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2x4: Used for levering a mill upward off a Wooden Mule Jack .
*TWEEZERS: A tool for removing brass splinters.
*PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another wooden mule jack.
*SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for
getting dog-doo off your boot.
*E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
*TEN-TON CEILING CRANE: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and 1/4-20 bolts
you may have forgotten to disconnect.
*CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large Die Set prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip
on the end without the handle.
*AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
*TROUBLE LIGHT: The machinist's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D,
"the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found in machine tool cabinets. Health benefits aside,
its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say,
the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge.
More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
*PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids off of 55 gallon way oil drums and splash oil on your shirt;
can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
*AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms
it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty Giddings and Lewis
Ballscrew bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Fond du Lac,Wis and rounds them off.
Thanks Archcity.
******************G******************
******
*HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive
machined parts not far from the object we are trying to throw at.
*MACHINIST'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door;
works particularly well on boxes containing plastic gallon jugs of coolant or sheets of plexiglass.
*ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it
also works great for drilling Digital readout mounting holes in the table of a milling machine just above the oil line that goes to the Ballscrew.
*HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
*VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat
to the palm of your hand.
*OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting those stale shop cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the
Whitworth socket drawer (what wife would think to look in there?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the
Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.
*ZIPPO LIGHTER: See oxyacetelene torch.
*WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older Cincinnatis and Kearney & Treckers, they are now used mainly for hiding
six-month-old Salems from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.
*DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you
in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the drill and tap chart
over the bench grinder.
*WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light.
Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Django Reinhardt."
*WOODEN MULE JACK: Used for lowering a milling machine to the ground after you have installed a set of Leveling pads
with springs, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front of the mill.
*EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2x4: Used for levering a mill upward off a Wooden Mule Jack .
*TWEEZERS: A tool for removing brass splinters.
*PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another wooden mule jack.
*SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for
getting dog-doo off your boot.
*E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
*TEN-TON CEILING CRANE: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and 1/4-20 bolts
you may have forgotten to disconnect.
*CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large Die Set prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip
on the end without the handle.
*AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
*TROUBLE LIGHT: The machinist's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D,
"the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found in machine tool cabinets. Health benefits aside,
its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say,
the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge.
More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
*PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids off of 55 gallon way oil drums and splash oil on your shirt;
can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
*AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms
it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty Giddings and Lewis
Ballscrew bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Fond du Lac,Wis and rounds them off.
Thanks Archcity.
******************G******************
******
