2017 Archive

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A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He asked the guy, “How much money do you make a week?”
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, “I make $400 a week. Why?”
The CEO said,”Wait right here.”
He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, “Here’s four weeks’ pay.
Now GET OUT and don’t come back.”
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked,
“Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?”
From across the room a voice said,
“Sure – he was the Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s and was just waiting to collect the money!”
 
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Joey standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque.
It was covered with names and had small United States flags mounted on both sides of it.
The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, “Good morning, Joey.”
“Good morning Father,” he replied, still focused on the plaque. “Father, what is this?”
The pastor said, “Well son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Joey’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, “Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:30?”
 
After years of working for others and being passed over for promotions, Blonde John and his wife, Blonde Mary, decided to go into business together. After examining the classifieds, they bought a small candy stand, paying thirty cents for each box of candy and then selling it for thirty cents.
At the end of the day they were astonished to find that they had sold every box of candy – yet had exactly as much money as when they started.
“You see?” John snarled at his wife. “I told you we should have bought a larger stand!”
 
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next poop could spell disaster.
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.
 
A woman is getting ready to take a bath when the was a knock at the door.
Kay put on a robe, and went to answer to door.
it was her husband Rick's friend Jerry.
Jerry asked if her husband was home, Kay said he was out running errands.
Jerry said, wow- you look amazing, i have always thought you were very beautiful.
i feel real bad, but i gotta tell you that i'd pay $100 to see a hooter.
Kay was shocked, but figured what could it hurt?
instantly, she whipped one out.
thankful, Jerry handed over the $100
then Jerry said, i'll give you another $100 if i could see them both.
Kay figured what the heck and put them both on display
Overjoyed, Jerry handed over another $100 and said thank you, i won't say anything to anyone !
he said that he had to be going, but he really appreciated the show, and then left.
Kay goes back to bathing
a short time later Rick returns home.
Kay said, hey your friend Jerry came over today looking for you.
Rick said good.
did the SOB bring the $200 he owes me???
 
The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms and kissed her.

She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said.

"I've never tried to kiss a model before," he swore.

"Really?" she said, softening, "How many models have there been?"

"Four," he replied, "A jug, two apples, and a vase."
 
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