2017 Archive

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A bishop, a priest, and a deacon, were about to be executed for preaching the Gospel in a foreign land.They bring out the bishop first and the guard shouts, “Ready… aim…” and suddenly the bishop yells, “EARTHQUAKE!” When everyone looks around, the bishop runs off.Next they bring out the priest. They guard shouts, “Ready… aim…” and suddenly the priest yells, “TORNADO!” When everyone ducks, the priest runs off.By then, of course, the deacon had it figured out. They bring him out and when the guard shouts, “Ready… aim…,” suddenly the deacon yells, “FIRE!”
 
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A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town. While walking through the streets on a quiet Sunday morning, he came upon a large crowd gathered by the side of the road.
Going by instinct, the lawyer figured that there was some sort of auto collision. He was eager to get to the injured parties but couldn't get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."
The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
 
Maybe you have to be an astronomy buff to appreciate this one.

You Might Be The Wife Of An Astronomer, If..........
You use a flashlight around the house at night to prepare for bed instead of turning on the house lights.
You have a hard time trying to find a flashlight without a red filter on it.
You ask your husband daily if he is "going out tonight".
You plan your date nights around the Clear Sky Chart.
You are getting up when your husband is going to bed.
You wake up in the middle of the night to cold knees in your back.
You know the difference between a comet and an asteroid.
You know way more about imaging than you ever wanted to.
Your husband refers to you as his "chief financial officer"
You know the correct use of a dew shield.
You plan your vacations around Star Parties .
You have to get home before dark so the hubby can get set up.
Your house is stocked with blankets and space heaters.
You buy a bigger vehicle even though you aren't planning on any more kids.
You have to figure out where to put the Christmas tree since the only good corner is taken up by his giant Dobsonian. (telescope)
You brag about your husband's 'equipment' and how big his aperture is.
 
A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?"
Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?"
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've a confession to make."
And she says, "So have I, love."
To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."
 
Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him,

"What is three times seven?"

"22," Rick replied.

After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he *knew* he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job.

About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious. The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."
 
The consiglieri of a famous mob boss is interviewing applicants to fill the recent suddenly and tragically vacated position of “company” accountant.

He calls the first applicant into his office and asks him, “How much is 23 times 720?” The applicant immediately responds, “16,560.” The consiglieri says, “Thanks for coming in. I’ll get back to you.”

He calls the second applicant in and asks him, “How much is 16,560 divided by 23?” Applicant immediately says, “720.” The consiglieri says, “Thanks for coming in. I’ll get back to you.”

He calls in the next applicant and asks him, “How much is 16,560 divided by 720?” The applicant immediately responds, “How much do you want it to be?” Consiglieri says, “Finally! Someone who understands accounting. You’re hired!”

Tom
 
John went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of West Virginia. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.
However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.
John yelled and said, "Grandpa, your dog won't let me get to my car."
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, "Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!!!"
 
“Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot.”

Wife’s response: “Who is Tina?”
 
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles...' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'
 
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