2017 Archive

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The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of fine Barbados Rum and a dozen Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally."

IRS AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to -- the mentally challenged one."

Boat Owner: "That would be me. What would you like to know?"
 
An old Southern gentleman sent his son off to engineering school.
Four years later, upon his son's return, he asked him what he had learned at college.
The son replied "Pi r square."
The dad exclaimed "You didn't learn nothin boy, pie are round, cornbread's square!"
 
50 Shades of Golf

Four guys have been going to the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years..

Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up!

"Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your misses into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night..

Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading �50 Shades of Grey�......

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So--- Here I am!
 
A little Easter funny,

easterbunny.jpg
 
During his physical, the doctor asked Tom, "the patient",
about his daily activity level
.
He described a typical day this way:
“Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake,
drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush,
marched up and down several rocky hills,
stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand,
jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake
and took four leaks behind big trees.”
Inspired by the story, the doctor said,
“You must be one hell of an outdoors man!”
”No,” he replied, “I'm just a golfer.”
 
A machinist walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulders,the bartender says
"Hey,that's really neat where'd you get that?"
And the parrot replies,,,
"The unemployment line,there's millions of them."
 
I Dont have a name to credit this too, sorry.


The Designer

The designer sat at his drafting board
A wealth of knowledge in his head was stored
Like "What can be done on a radial drill
Or a turret lathe or a vertical mill?"
But above all things a knack he had
Of driving gentle machinists mad.
So he mused as he thoughtfully scratched his bean
"Just how can I make this thing hard to machine?"
If I make this perfect body straight
The job had ought to come out first rate
But would be so easy to turn and bore
That it would never make a machinist sore
So I'll put a compound taper there
And a couple of angles to make them swear
And brass would work for this little gear
But its too damned easy to work I fear
So just to make the machinist squeal
I'll make him mill it from tungsten steel
And I'll put these holes that hold the cap
Down underneath where they can't be tapped
Now if they can make this it'll just be luck
Cause it can't be held by dog or chuck
And it can't be planed and it can't be ground
So I feel my design is unusually sound.
And he shouted in glee, "Success at last!
This goddam thing can't even be cast.',
 
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sergeant:
Color of hair?

Husband:
Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't
remember.

Sergeant:
What was she wearing?

Husband:
Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know
exactly.

Sergeant:
What kind of car did she go in?

Husband:
She went in my truck.

Sergeant:
What kind of truck was it?

Husband:
A 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special
ordered with manual transmission and climate controlled air
conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, which
has a matching aftermarket bed liner. Custom leather 6-way seats and
"Bubba" floor mats. Trail-ring package with gold hitch and special
wiring hook-ups. DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio receiver,
23-channel CB radio, six cup holders, a USB port, and four power
outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. It has
custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting.

At this point the husband started choking up. . .
. .

Sergeant:

Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck.
 
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